Harriet Carter and The Sex Strap

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Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday. Let’s get down to cheap white-trash business. This week Harriet tries to sell us products that keep us from having sexual times, tries to bring back slavery for the elderly, and continues to confuse the hell out of us with ridiculous t-shirts. Grab your junk and let’s go!Product # 1 – Hey there sexy pants! Are you sick and tired of having people hit on you and you are so sick of having sexy times that you can barely muster up enough energy to leave your house? Well what would you say if I told you that Harriet Carter can help you stop ever being hit on or having sex again! You’d probably say, “But IBBB? How can this be?” I would ignore your dumb question, but would tell you the rest anyway. All you really need to do is put on this very elegant and fancy chin strap. Ooo la la, I bet it’s imported from Paris! Now, this striking little beast obviously couldn’t afford her own chin strap. I mean, after all, what is she the Queen of England? If you, too, can’t afford a chin strap feel free to make one on your own. All you basically need to do is place your face through your nana’s old underpants leg. Sure it will smell like Werther’s Originals and cat piss, but at least people won’t be bugging you any more for sexual fun reindeer games. Is it just me or is this what you think that maxi-pads would look like if they became human? Just me? I assumed so. Thanks Harriet for bringing back sexy chin straps. Grrr!
Product # 2 – Ding ding ding! Ther’s the dinner bell! Now get out of your old-age home recliners and come get your dinner served to you by your very on Harriet Carter slave! Are they kidding me with this? What seems like a very innocent blow up buffet serving table (because that makes sense) now comes equipped with racial undertones strong enough to scare Harriet Tubman out of hiding. And you totally know that these elderly folk are all reminiscent of their days at the old southern farm house when they used to rule the roost and poor mammy was forced to take care of the kids, the house, the animals, and the cleaning. I mean this lady serving dinner to the white folk really is just two choruses away from putting on the skillet, putting on the lead, because mammy’s really gonna be forced to make that shortenin’ bread. And look at them all looking at each other all proud with those sick smiles on their faces. They’ll smile as she serves them and then they’ll be planning their march on Capitol Hill once they can break free from their old age compound. And look at the old white lady in the middle. She’s totally asking her why she isn’t in a maids outfit. Ah racist elderly. You can’t live with em you can pull their plug. Thanks Harriet for the being a filthy racist. Actually, no thanks.
Product # 3 – I love me some t-shirts that make no sense at all. I mean half of the IBBB site doesn’t make any kind of sense, but at least I’m not printing this crap on a t-shirt. This time around Harriet has come up with a real doozey. It says, “You Laugh Because I’m Different…I Laugh ‘Cause I Just Farted!” Um, huh? What does that even mean and who exactly are you talking to if you’re wearing that? Is this going to make people like you more? I’m confused. This has, however, inspired me to come up with some similar t-shirts with even more confusing messaging:

“You Laugh Because I’m Different, I Laugh Because Peppers with Butterflies Never Swim on a Sunday Car Wash.”

“You Laugh Because of Green 7’s, I Laugh Because That One Time That Dog Danced with a Tea Cup Spanish Toads and Oreo Sponges With Gem Stones and Smiles.”

And then there’s my personal favorite:

“That is Not from What I Laughed, but Then You Laughed Jump Rope and Tiny Candy Devils on a Shoe String Budget.”

Thanks Harriet for continuing to inspire me.