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Real Housewives of New Jersey: Let’s Be Grateful that Milania Isn’t Turning 12 or Gia’s Song Could Still Be Going On

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I’m not sure what happened to this train-wreck, but it’s certainly not the same show I remember and loved where tables were flipped and everyone was afraid that Danielle Staub was going to kidnap their kids and enter them into a life of prostitution (whore).  This season is filled with Kat’s desserts and Caroline’s kids.  I can’t think of anything worse.  Therefore let’s talk about the only 2 things worth discussing from last nights crapisode which is, of course, Milania getting ready her for 5th birthday party and two beautiful songs from Gia (z-snap).

Milania, oh Milania.  What a real treat she is on her 5th birthday.  She’s like a truck driver in heat and I wouldn’t want her any other way.  Tre-bagger is busy trying to comb her Tasmanian Devil hair and Milania wants no part of it.  This includes ripping the comb out of Tre’s hand and throwing it on the bed followed by your standard tantrum over her not wanting to wear the Punky Brewster outfit that Tre is making her wear for her birthday party.  She, instead, wants to wear some pink puffy Little Bo Peep dress that she’s already worn once and she wants to wear it now.  I firmly believe she wants to wear the Little Bo Peep dress because she wants to go out into the meadow and slaughter dozens of sheep with her bare hands.  By the way, if you ever wondered what Sam Kinison looked like with a tan and in a dress, well, wonder no more.  RHONJ makes all of our dreams come true week after week.

After Milania throws a fit over the dress I was figuring we’d have to add her picture to the back of a milk carton because she went missing in the Guidice mansion.  Which room could she be in?  There’s not enough time to check all the rooms so just cut your losses and know that you have about 16 other daughters to choose from elsewhere in the house.  Alas, Tre did end up finding Milania who was half-under the desk which I assumed was an unsuccessful suicide attempt.  With her legs sticking out from under the desk she looked like the witch from the Wizard of Oz but, you know, meaner and scarier.  I jest.  Me gusta Milania (which, by the way should definitely be the name of her spinoff show…think about it, Bravo).

I’m also not sure how these kids learn anything because Teresa can barely get a grasp on the English language herself.  At one point she calls Milania’s crown her “cray-own” and then later she says that Milania looks like a princess and says, and I quote,”You look like a princess.   Princess Milania at your servant.”  I’m sorry, what?  Can your next book be a dictionary?  And, since the Guidice’s are “sans money” they’re having Milania’s 5th birthday at Barney’s pizza place.  To make things worse the camera man just keeps getting close-up shots on a stack of paper plates that have a huge $0.99 sticker on the front of it.  The scandal!  Gia got the pink limo from hell on her birthday, but for my favorite’s birthday she’s basically forced to walk through the streets of New Jersey until she gets to the pizza place and has to have a slice and stare at the balloons that were probably left over from the “grand opening.”  Poor kid.  Literally.

After trusting Milania with a mini roller and making her own pizza, which I believe she made with human blood and blond weave from some b*tch she fought in the parking lot, it’s time for Gia (z-snap) to sing her two songs that she wrote for this special occasion.  I’m actually already suffering from secondhand embarrassment as I type this.  Gulp.  How old is Gia?  I’m concerned because I can’t figure out if she’s young enough that these “songs” are supposed to be “cute” or if she’s old enough that she thinks these songs will land her a record deal a la Kim Zolciak.  Maybe her first song will be “Money Can’t Buy the Guidice’s Mortgage Payments, I’m Serious We Need Help, Please Send Money” but with, you know, like a catchy dance beat to it.  Until then, we’re left with her first song which I believe is titled “Milania.”  Fitting.  First off, Gia is singing it like she’s belting out a rendition of the Star Spangled Banner at the Superbowl.  I, myself, want to open up my apartment window and jump the F out and take my chances at night on the mean streets of NYC.  The song, says things like, “Milania, Milania, I remember when you were first born.  First you were one, then you were two, then you were three, then you were four, now you are five…”  Dear Jesus Claus, help us all.  The terrorists have officially won.  Then she’s Mariah Carey’ing her way through some deep lyrics about Milania doing gymnastics and resting her toes.  At one point, Caroline just has to turn her head because she’s laughing.  Please, if Lauren was singing a song she wrote to Vito whilst they made “Mozzarel” in the kitchen, Caroline would be tearing up and designing them bracelets to wear.  However, I agree with Caroline and start to laugh myself.  Then I cry because my life has come to this on a Sunday night.

I’m proud of Milania for not knifing Gia during the first song.  However, things take a..uh…serious turn during the second song.  I first thought it was called “Ugly Cry” because that’s what happened after she belted out the first note.  Then I realized the song was this cry for help about her mom and “Zio Joe” and their made-for-tv situation.  I was wondering how Gia was going to find words to rhyme with “Doozer” but then began to understand that this song would have no rhyming words at all.  In fact, it oddly sounds like this other sing I recently heard called “Milania.’  You may be familiar with it already.  Seriously, this song is terribly sad and, well, terrible all at the same time.  Something about putting on makeup and going to school and worrying about her family.  I just wish she got to the second verse which, most likely, would have dealt with other heart wrenching topics like Chapter 11 and that one time her dad drunkenly did a flip in the hallway and broke half his front tooth.  It could have been called, “Money for Daddy’s New Tooth.”   I’d donate.

Seriously, everyone looked like a deer in headlights during the song.  I mean, Kat normally looks like that anyway but you could tell she was also effected by this “song.”  Everyone tells Gia what a great job she did and what a wonderful singer she is, which is only going to add fuel to the fire and one day force Teresa to turn into the Kris Jenner of New Jersey.  I actually think it’s depressing that a little girl is writing about how her family is a bunch of a-holes and putting it to music.  I can’t wait to buy it on iTunes.  Hopefully Gia can pave the way for Milania to record a hardcore gangsta rap album that will, God willing, be available for download by Christmas.

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