It’s the last crapisode of the season and I can honestly say I don’t know one thing that actually happened in the last 8 episodes. Well, Jill got a whole new face, so there’s that. This final episode of Real Housewives was basically like watching Teen Mom in reverse. But, before we get to Ramona becoming a mother again at 72 we need to check in with The Countess, ladies and gentlemen! We’re back in the studio with LuAnn’s alleged Level II sex offender and music producer who is both two old for an albino faux-hawk and for wearing sunglasses indoors at all times. He’s busy trying to “master” LuAnn’s song and basically fix it so that it doesn’t sound like Vera De Milo, drunk, and at a karaoke bar in Russia. All of a sudden we get the surprise of a lifetime (oh, read this part again but with a sarcastic overtone) when none other than Natalie Cole walks into the studio! Can you believe it? It couldn’t believe it. I mean, Natalie Cole. Well, this is the best last episode ever. I mean, how did they land Natalie Cole especially considering that I thought she had been taking a dirt nap since the Y2K scare of, well, Y2K. She’s alive, however, and LuAnn looks like she’s so excited that she’s about to buy coke off of her. I’m sure when the cameras went down a transaction was discussed.
Natalie Cole claims that she loved Money Can’t Buy You Class and LuAnn was flattered, but then she said that the song was “hysterical” and it was at that moment that I realized that Natalie Cole thinks that LuAnn is like the “Weird Al” of the Housewives franchise. It was also at that moment that I noticed that Natalie Cole appears to be swallowing her tongue every time she speaks. After LuAnn invited Natalie to her 1-year anniversary party with Sad Ross, Natalie decides that she will attend and will also sing a song with LuAnn at the party. What an honor. To me, this would be just as good as Kim Zolciak singing “I Love Your Smile” with Shanice at Big Papa’s arraignment.
Later, Ramona is having a snoozefest dinner party where she’s already planting the seed that she would possibly like to have another baby because, apparently, she wants to renew her “gentlemen greeter.” Avery comes home and informs all of us that she too would like Ramona to be “with child” and she can still have a baby because she still gets her period. Uh, just because you open your Pinto Grigio bottle with your vag and the glass cuts you, doesn’t mean the blood is from “time of the month.” Either way, Ramona tells everyone that she has such great skin because she still gets her period. She also has great skin because she shoots up her face with enough fillers to fix the Liberty Bell. By the way, is that just cracked or is that just an old wives tale? Or a whale tail? One may never know. Meanwhile whilst they’re having dinner, LuAnn calls Alex to invite her to the anniversary party, but Alex can only talk to her for a few quick seconds because she claims she’s at this dinner party with “so many people” there. Yeah, there’s a ton. Ramona, Sonja, Mario, Avery. The people are endless. She must be counting the boom mic operator, camera crew, and Andy Cohen who is in the corner dry-humping Jill Zarin.
Speaking of Alex and scenes that make me want to deny my US citizenship, it’s time for a photoshoot! Alex has been hired by the adult version of Highlights Magazine to have her picture taken. As she’s getting her hair and makeup done she’s awkwardly telling them how bad her face is broken out right now and how she doesn’t think she’s “cool enough” to be in their magazine. Way to sell yourself. I know she’s part Native American so I would only assume her Indian name would be “Fishes for Compliments.” See what I did there? Did you also see how I still referred to them as “Indian?” What? I’m 59 years old, I’m allowed to do that. Alex continued to do that creepy laugh the whole time. You know, the one where she sounds like she’s suffocating, hyperventilating, and “in heat” the whole time? Yeah, that one. Simon shows up ready to pick up his model of a wife, but she hasn’t even begun the shoot yet so he basically throws a passive aggressive fit, but not before letting us all know that Alex was named to some magazine’s Worst Dressed list. She was named right after Lady Gaga and Rihanna, so Simon thinks this is an honor. What a real shame that guy is. Imagine what his children are going to think of him when they grow up? I’m sure Francois will one day be telling his father to pick up his dress and grab his balls and act like a damn man for once and stop trying to be a housewife. Also, get a real job. Punk. (That was me giving Simon a stern talking to)
In other crazy news, Sonja and Cindy met up at some flower shop so they could, once again, try to find ways to be relevant on this television show. So, of course, they’re going to still try to run with the storyline of “Cindy being rude at Sonja’s house during breakfast.” Really? We’re still trying to make this happen? The whole time Cindy is sitting there listening to Sonja recapping the entire dramaticless event you could totally read on her face, “What the F am I even doing on this show?” At one point when Sonja starts “playing all the parts” of each person at the breakfast, Cindy just starts laughing. It may have been the part when Sonja was telling her that “The Churchill’s” would have never treated her like that. Then Sonja says, “Or I can’t imagine Lord…” and then she stops. Lord who? Like “the” Lord? Jesus Christ Himself? Because, if so, I beg to differ. I totally think the Lord would have taken a business call during Sonja’s white trash breakfast from hell. But that’s just me. Cindy ends up storming off on Sonja never to be seen of or heard from again! So long, man hands!
I’m still not sure if anything has actually happened yet in this episode, but in Ramona’s world it has. Ramona books it over to Sonja’s apartment looking all shaky and with her boobs standing up to her chin. It can only mean one thing: Unattended Pregnant. Sonja notices that Ramona is a little jumpy and offers her some Pinot, but when Ramona says she can’t drink Sonja immediately guesses that she’s pregnant. She wouldn’t have guessed rehab first? She should have held her down, poured the bottle down her throat, and then simply said “No more baby, let’s go out.” But, alas, she didn’t and they look at Ramona and try to prove that she is pregnant due to her boobs being so big that day. I believe Ramona referred to them as “her jugs.” She’s such a classy broad. Do you think the camera crew is giving them both the side-eye? I hope so. I want to live in a world where I assume this happens.
The remainder of the episode, thank God, takes place on LuAnn and Sad Ross’ 1 year anniversary cruise. LuAnn is trying to convince us that it’s a yacht, but we all know it’s nothing more than harbor booze cruise. Jill looks like she’s testing for bed bugs and lice as soon as she walks on to the boat. When LuAnn offers Ramona some wine and Ramona just asks for a water it looks like LuAnn’s head is going to combust. She can’t even process what just happened. I hope it doesn’t make her forget the words to Chic C’est la Vie. I mean, it’s like, does Sonja bring the jellybeans? Who brings the diamonds?!?! Ramona ends up spilling the scripted beans to Mario about her possibly being “with child” and I have to admit he kinda seems psyched. As staged as Ramona’s whole pregnancy scare storyline is, Mario’s reaction seemed pretty honest. Way to pull the rug out from under him, Ramona, when you end up not being pregnant. Maybe they can adopt Sonja? Just think of all the dried out overly crunchy meals they can have from her toaster oven?! Either way, everyone is looking at Mario reacting to this possible news and you know they’re all thinking that he’s trying to bang Sonja. No one could be more on the edge of her seat wanting to know about what she’s missing out on than Jill.
Ramona and Sonja take their antics to the tiny bathroom so that Ramona can take a pregnancy test. The bathroom as a brass sign on the door that just says “Head.” It’s really nice that they label that because, honestly, you shouldn’t have to guess. Jill is fuming because she wants to know so badly what’s going on. Plus, the fact that this whole thing isn’t about Jill really gets her goat. You can just tell. For some reason the fact that Ramona and Sonja locked themselves in the bathroom makes Jill bang on the door and yell at them that it’s not the 80’s and how disrespectful it is to do this at LuAnn’s party. Huh? Are there really bathroom rules whilst on a booze cruise? Jill is intolerable. Really. I want to to like her, I really do, but it’s just so terrible. Everything Jill says and every reaction she has to things always makes me says to my tv “Eck, you’re almost 50.”
While in the bathroom Ramona doesn’t have enough liquid in her to pee on a pregnancy stick that Sonja just happens to have with her. I’m sure if you shook out her bra 12 more tests would come flying out. And, had she been wearing underpants, I’m sure the “Morning After Pill” would fall out too. I’m kidding. She’s dried up. LuAnn can’t believe that they’re trying to steal her thunder on such a “special night” (on a booze cruise) and says that she thinks that “Blanche from the Golden Girls has a better chance of being pregnant than Ramona does.” Oh really? Well, Blanche is dead you jerk. Oh wait, was that the joke? LuAnn should just stick with trying to find words to rhyme with “elegANCE.”
You know who I think hates his mother? Noel. LuAnn tries to make it seem like she really needs his help walking in Natalie Cole because no one knows she’s there and it’s such a big deal. He’s totally going to go Menendez Brothers on her one day. Just a guess. Anyjunk, in walks Natalie Cole and everyone is squealing with delight, but not more so than LuAnn. Jill cannot believe what she is seeing. This is yet another example of why Jill was too old to be in LuAnn’s music video…because you’re “jazzed” that Natalie Cole is about to sing a song on a booze cruise. She and LuAnn end up singing that terrible song “L.O.V.E” where each letter of the word “Love” means something different. You know, it’s like “L is for LuAnn’s class. O is for Ramona’s rotting ovaries. V is for the vagina that is no longer in commission. E is for enough of this season.” So yeah, that song. The whole time this song is taking place, Simon refuses to smile or dance and is just staring at them, no joke, like he’s about to brutally murder the both of them. Creepy. Sad Ross, however, was slowly dancing and swaying his head side to side to the point where I had to look away from the television.
In the end, Ramona isn’t pregnant. I know, I was shocked too. And you know this season was a bust when they do the freeze frame at the end next to each “girl” and let us know what they’re up to now and it was filled with nothingness. Cindy’s was basically like, “She’s still bejeweling shaved vaginas.” I was saying a quick prayer that next to Jill’s freezeframe we would see something like, “Bethenny finally called Jill to let her know what she thought of the latkes” but, sadly, it never happened. I guess we’ll all know once we go to Heaven…because that’s what you do in Heaven, right? Riiiight??
Well folks, that’s that. Thank Christ. Spread the word around town about this here crap blog. Call Andy Cohen and tell him to have me on his show and/or just give me money for being me. That’s how that goes.