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Teen Mom Reunion Recap: Two Seats for Gary

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It’s fitting that MTV would kick me in the teeth one last time with the part two of the Teen Mom reunion being about Maci for about 45 minutes.  For reasons unbeknownst to me, Maci looks like Japanimation come to life with the black streak in her hair that no one is doing anywhere.  This is one of those times that if I were Dr. Drew I would ask Maci if the carpet matches the drapes.  I mean, it’s gotta look like a ginger skunk down there, of course, with a case of “the rabies.”  We learn a lot about Maci during her segment, like how bat sh*t crazy this bricks chick really is.  Apparently Kyle has cheated on her and so she packed up her stuff, grabbed Bint-Lee and moved out of the mold-infested bungalow.  It seems that Maci caught Kyle cheating on her after she saw something “electronic” on her computer that he accidentally left open.  Um, electronic?  What in the holy hell is she talking about?  Electronic on her computer?  Is she referring to a calculator?  I’m lost.  Perhaps, Kyle wrote “boobless” upside-down the calculator app and accidentally left it open?  Or maybe it was just albino caveman porn?  One may never know.  All we do know is that after they moved out Bint-Lee never really asked any questions about where his cartoon albino bulldog was hiding or why they no longer live in Section 8 housing and foreclosure.  We also know that Ryan was extremely supportive to Maci during this difficult time.  Hopefully she allowed him to throw it in a few times, you know, for good measure.  At the least let’s hope she let him dab Proactiv with a cotton ball on her “gentlemen greeter.”  Someone Tweet her that hard hitting question.

Since Kyle has no clue where he is, what he is, or what is going on, he decides to show up to the reunion and sit directly next to Maci even though they haven’t spoken a word since the breakup.  Since Kyle is on television he’s evidently decided to feather his hair a bit and then hit the top of it with some AquaNet.  I’m not quite sure where his actual eyes are and why his eyebrows seem to match the color of his skin.  He’s like Powder version of Whoopi Goldberg.  Seriously, where are his eyes?  So this whole “cheating” thing may have been blown a little out of proportion.  According to Ky-Jelly all he really did was chat with some old girlfriends online.  Uh, really?  Chat?  Was he in like a 1998 AOL Chatroom?  AlbinoBulldogs4Sluts?  Sadly I’m pretty sure he’d be unable to answer the simple A/S/L.  And, let’s face it, there’s no way he’d ever be able to crack the Captcha Code.  Kyle claims he’s never actually cheated, but Maci seems to think he “does chatroom” a lot in the past.  I mean, this poor bastard has to help take care of your son, deal with the cameras, and try to pretend that your face isn’t going to explode at a moments notice.  Let him chat with some sluts online whilst he gives himself a handy under the computer desk.  It’s the least you can do for him.  Either way, Kyle apparently wasn’t happy with Maci for the previous 5-months and they argued all the time so he was pretty much done anyway.  Too bad Kyle didn’t give Maci that additional baby like she begged for in 4 episodes.  That would have really worked out well.  Quite the busy Father’s Day in Chattanooga.

Meanwhile, Ryan and Dalis bust onto the scene.  Ryan is dressed like a backup dancer for a Vanilla Ice video and Dalis is dressed in the same color as Maci, but just looks better, younger, fresher, smarter, hotter, sluttier.  She’s like Pinterest and Maci is like the last days of Myspace.  I just wanted to make sure I covered all the bases so you knew exactly what I was talking about.  Maci is turning all 6’s and 7’s by telling Ryan and Dr. Drew that she doesn’t understand why they can’t all hang out for an hour in front of Bint-Lee.  Seriously she keeps harping on this for a little while and is looking glum like someone who denied her friend-request.  It was refreshing, however, that Ryan didn’t yawn once during this reunion and also explained that he is actually ok with Bint-Lee attending pre-school, just not on the days where Ryan has him.  I’m sure Ryan can just “teach ’em” on those days himself.  Good luck with the second half of the alphabet, Bint!  No one uses any letters after “M” anyway.

I have to admit, Dalis is pretty well spoken, although she may be a little bit of a Pinocchio because every time Dr. Drew asks her a question about Maci she look up directly to the sky before she answers the question.  It’s ok though because hot girls are allowed to lie.  It says so in the Bible.  It’s right after the part that says you’ll burn in hell if you’re not a white man.  MTV has been airing a commercial where Maci claims to call out Dalis on some stuff that she doesn’t want to know about.  I was hoping she was pregnant with Ryan’s yawning fetus, but sadly that’s not the case.  Plus, Maci can’t get pregnant in the bum anyway.  I guess what happened was that Ryan and Dalis got into a fight so Ryan texted Maci that he wanted to go to her room and hang out with her and her friends.  So obviously he was looking for a gang-bang.  As he should.  As. He. Should.  Maci then texted back and told him he would have a better time if he was with her instead of a girl who misspells her own name on the regular.  It would be like if her name was Chicago and she spelled it Shicahggo.  It just makes no kind of sense.  Anyjunk, Maci and Dalis decide to bury the hatchet-face and even plan on getting coffee together so they can get to know each other better.  At one point Maci even says that when she’s not around, Dalis is actually the next best person in line to take care of Bint-Lee.  Dalis then says that Maci is a great mom.  Ryan looks freaked out, but I’m pretty sure he’s going to be banging them both at the same time in the green room as soon as this reunion wraps.

Later, since Amber is currently “occupado” somewhere else they bring out Gary for literally 5 minutes.  First off, he takes up legit two seats on the couch and looks like he’s about to fall off the set.  Second, he is literally dressed like a Smurf.  White shorts and a bright blue shirt.  He’s like “Obesity Smurf” which is, of course, Vanity Smurfs arch nemesis.  I was hoping drew would hand him a giant gift and it would explode upon opening and we’d all be done with this crap.  Dr. Drew decided to use Gary’s time to read a letter from Amber.  In the letter Amber takes responsibility for her actions, tells everyone she isn’t a bad person, and hopes that everyone watching will never want to be like her.  If she isn’t a live condom ad I don’t know what is.  Of course she take a little dig at Gary in the letter claiming she’s not sure if they’ll ever get back together since Gary is insecure in their relationship.  If I were Gary I would have just one word for her:  EXPENSIVE!

Dr. Drew claims he’s chatted with Amber on the phone prior to the show and she sounded like a changed person, sober, and on the right track.  Yeah, that’s not true.  Unless he was calling her in the slammer.  Dr. Drew also let’s Gary know that Amber is really nice when she is sober so you know she’s on drugs when she’s being mean and kicking the bag out of Gary on the regular.  Gary concludes is 3 minute segment by saying that Leah is really smart for her age and obviously gets that from him.  That and Type II…well, you know the rest.

In the end, all the girls come back with their children…except Cate and Ty because they sold their baby to white folk, in case you weren’t aware.  Leah is a little ham for the camera, which is quite dangerous considering that Gary really enjoys a little ham.  I’m joking.  He likes a lot of ham.  There’s a difference.  All the girls give some advice to Amber, which I believe was to do scissors as much as possible so she doesn’t get beat up in “gel.”  They all support her, but Cate supports her the most because she’s perfect.

And, well, that chapter of our lives is closed (unlike Amber’s legs in the prison system).  So why not join me on my Facebook page and all will be right with the world.