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Briana’s 16 & Pregnant Recap: The One With Selena’s Killer

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Welcome back.  It’s time for yet another crapisode of “I’m Skipping Confirmation to Make Unprotected Love.”  This week we get to take a sneak peak into the life of Briana.  Apparently this chick wasn’t overly bricks because she graduated high school a year early.  However, per usual, there’s just one catch.  She may be a smidge late to her first day of Community College because…wait for it…she’s pregnant.  Who knew?  Regardless, ole!   What I liked about this group is that they’re originally from Brooklyn but moved to beautiful Orlando, Florida to most likely advance their careers as Minnie Mouse impersonators because I’m pretty sure that’s the only reason why you’d move to Orlando.  For those of you reading this from Orlando, please send all your hate-mail directly to the Magic Kingdom.  They’ll know where to forward it.

For me, this family is what I picture Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx and her relatives to be like.  I did find myself constantly shouting out, “The Bronx!” every time the mother walked into the room.  Speaking of “the mom” I don’t want to oversell this, but I couldn’t love her any more if I tried.  Let’s see.  How do I paint this picture for you?  The mother.  The mother.  Hmmm.  The mother 102% looks like Selena’s killer, especially during her “jail cell” Connie Chung interview and I wouldn’t want it any other way.  As if she couldn’t get any better, she’s also sporting standard Snoop Dog braids, as she should.  As. She. Should.  Briana’s sister, Brittany, is also a major character in this episode.  Apparently she also got knocked to the up around the same time as Briana and so they quickly played a typical game of “Hurry to the Abortion.”  Spoiler Alert:  Brittany won.  Brittany was like, “Get this zygote out of me and get it out STAT.”  Truth be told, I’m not exactly sure what a zygote is but I did once dissect a crayfish in 5th grade science class so let’s just say I’m an expert at abortions.  Right?  Eh, either way.

The major rift between the two sisters is that one got to get the abortion and the other got to keep her baby (Papa Don’t Preach).  This is like a modern day Parent Trap but with, you know, pregnancy scares.  So, basically like the real one from what I recall. It’s a real hoot when the parents in these shows reminisce on what it was like when they found out that their future meal ticket was “with child.”  Selena’s Killer remembers that Briana was so scared to tell her that she simply passed her a note whilst sitting on the couch.  I envision she did one of those origami games that all the girls would do in homeroom.  I wonder if she also found out she’s marrying a millionaire, having 4 kids, but living in a shack.  One may never know.

Later we also get to walk down memory lane with Briana and her friend Cherry (I can’t) who looks like a younger/older version of Aretha Franklin (before the magic weight loss)  on how she got herself into quite the pickle.  Evidently Briana and her boyfriend, Devon, had sex all the live-long-day, but only wore protection a couple of time.  Awww that’s cute.  Briana was too embarrassed to ask  him to “wear one of those things.”  Um, they’re called condoms.  And if you were comfortable asking him to stick his ding-a-ling into your “gentlemen greeter” then I think asking him to wrap it up wouldn’t have given you red cheeks like the Campbell’s Soup kid.  At the least you could have passed him a note.  Speaking of her boyfriend.  How should we say this?  Remember those “special episodes” Ricky Lake would have on in the late 90’s about men who were on the “DL?”  Yeah, well I’m not saying Devon would have appeared on that panel but there’s a good chance that Devon would have appeared on that panel.  Briana would have got herself one of them there abortions too, like her sister, but Devon painted this picture of a wonderful life together with the baby so Briana decided to keep it.  However Devon, like Waldo, is really nowhere to be found for the majority of this episode.  She should have checked the carnival.  It’s always to hard to find Waldo at the carnival, obviously because of all the other red and white stripped patterns with the tents and rides and all.

Since Devon is barely around, Selena’s Killer is there to help name the baby.  Since it’s a girl and she thinks she’ll be a star, she suggests naming her Nova…just like that terrible Saturday afternoon PBS show that we all grew up with.  Why do I feel this is the same way that the girls from Destiny’s Child got their name?  Regardless, Devon comes out of the woodwork and decides he wants to have lunch with Briana to see how she’s doing.  He decides since the first name is picked out already he’d like to choose the middle name.  I hope he goes with “Scotia,”  Nova Scotia.  It has a real nice ring to it.  I like how when these two are talking to each other they both look in different directions. Now I can understand why asking him to wear a condom was too much work.  Eh, at least she’s on television and, well, that’s everyone’s end goal.  It is, isn’t it?  I just assumed.  Oh, also, Devon is a complete douche bucket.  Next time you’re outside the Magic Kingdom and going through a Taco Bell drivethru, let him know I said that.  I’m kidding.  He’s sans employment.

I have to admit, besides killing Selena, Selena’s Killer is really a good mom. She’s going to financially support Briana and Nova Scotia during the first 2 years so Briana can go to college and then by the time the baby is 5 years old, Briana will have a career…most likely in either VCR or air conditioner repair.

Later a fight ensues between the Menendez Sisters when Briana wants everyone to watch a DVD of her ultrasound and make her beans for dinner at the same time.  Apparently you never demand someone in the J Lo house make you beans because the sister will lose her mind.  Beans gives you a case of the means, apparently.  She starts screaming about how she’s not the queen and just because she’s pregnant doesn’t mean she’s disabled.  In a nutshell, I love her.  I actually felt bad for her because I feel like her mom tricked her into an abortion, but is totally cool with her other daughter having a baby and will take care of it for her, basically.  Womp womp.  A sidenote, do you know how many fights the members of Destiny’s Child got into over beans?  A lot.  A real lot.  Why do you think they kept on replacing members?  I bet the E! True Hollywood Story never told you that, did they?  See?  You learn here at IBBB.

Since Briana is about to go into labor at any moment, it only made the most sense that she and her friends went to a haunted house.  I think it’s a good idea to scare the baby out of her.  And, at the same time, when a baby starts to drop from her cooch that rest of the people at the haunted house will just think she’s part of the show.  She would have just been like, “Ugh, you wanna keep it?” and then she would have scurried to the hayride to enjoy her new found freedom.  “A modern day Harriet Tubman” no one would say (except me). To no surprise, the haunted house didn’t really agree with her so they had to go home early and hours later Briana was off to the hospital to give birth to this child.  I love how since a camera crew isn’t allowed in the hospital, we basically get to watch the labor and delivery via a cell phone camera.  After 7 hours of labor, a lot of screaming, and Briana saying she just wants to take a shower, she gives birth to a healthy baby girl named Nova Star.  I’m pretty sure Nova Star is also the same of an electric company, but who am I to judge?  My name is IBBB.

Devon actually made it to the hospital to see the birth of his daughter, but decided to peace out the next morning to go and play basketball with his friends/have sex with strangers under a bridge.  This pissed off Briana and crew so they decided not to put his name on the birth certificate.  Oh no they didn’t! Once Briana is home for a little while with the baby she decides it’s, of course, time for a makeover so apparently she cuts her hair to make her look more like Sondra from The Cosby Show during that season that she surely regrets.  Why she decided to immediately give herself a ‘mom-do’ is beyond me, but I do think it’s a great method of birth control.

For the remainder of the crapisode we only see Devon a few times.  At one point he comes over after a couple of weeks to see the baby with his “friend” and he basically sits on the couch and texts on his phone the whole time.  Jerk.  Later he invited Briana out to dinner so they can talk and then he never shows up and Briana has to call her mom to come and pick her up.  That was actually kind of sad…as sad as that haircut.  I feel like she went for Rihanna but ended up with Nancy Regan circa 1986.  In the end, Briana and her sister (who is actually being nice and helping out a lot) are sitting on the couch and wrapping things up and Briana says that Brittany made the right decision to have her abortion…and if she could do it over…she would have had an abortion too.  Awww that’s so sweet.  She really should leave that type of sentiment for Nova’s Christmas and birthday cards.  I know it’s too late for an abortion, but she could still take Nova to the sketchy part of town, staple a bunch of $20.00 bills to her diaper, and just let the chips fall where they may.  I don’t know, it’s more of a thought than a strategy.   Bidi Bidi Bom Bom.

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