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America’s Next Top Model 11: Space Camp!

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America’s Next Top Model is back and so is Jenny the resident ANTM recapper here at camp IBBB. I’ve given Jenny an 11 cent raise so she is more than happy to recap the crap out of the 11th season of ANTM. Let’s see what her thoughts are on the latest episode:
  • You wanna be on…POT???? reer reer……reer reer reer reer…….Actually, can you even be “on” pot? That’s like something my mother would say…”I think those kids over there are on pot.” Anyway, I’m not making any promises here….I mean this episodomy is 2 HOURS LONG………….I can’t imagine what this will even be.
  • This cycle is staged in L.A. and evidently the theme is futuristic and idiots. The doors open and voila It’s Jay and Miss Jay. They look like disco robots from 1975 and 1979 respectively. Miss Jay has a white bowl cut and Jay has silver Elvis hair.
  • The girls have their photo-body scans taken. Cue every girl saying that she wants this more than everyone else, and nobody knows what she’s been through. Just once, I want one girl to be like “I hate Tyra, and I can’t stand reality TV. I just want to be famous. I don’t even need the money because my parents are rich and pay for everything.”
  • Time for the GLAMINATOR 11.0. Get your asses in there girls….Jays are going to key in your data and this machine is going to spit out a model! OOOO WEEEEE! SYSTEM OVERLOAD!!!!!!!! The machine is freaking out…How frightening! What is happening?!
  • Well, it’s even worse than we thought. Tyra steps out of the machine doing all these robot moves. AND she is talking like a robot. Holy special effects….Cartoon lightning bolts start zapping and the Jays and Tyra disappear. I hope they never come back.
  • Damn. They reappear at the judges table and are ready to meet the girls. Per usual Tyra starts up with the accents.
  • Very interesting. Isis is a transgender….I’m sure all the other women in this competition will be a-ok with this. I mean, last cycle they were VERY accepting of the girl with Aspergers….
  • Ok there is another plus size model and she looks EXACTLY like the winner from last cycle. Dumb.
  • HOLY HELL. One of the girls tells Tyra that she is from Alaska and was once chased by a moose. Tyra decides that she wants to re-enact this and SHE wants to be the moose (ha-HA). Now here is something I never knew. Moose make loud screeching noises, like a half hit-by-a-car pig, half drunk-beaten horse. Even the Jays look like they can’t believe what they are seeing.
  • Tyra asks Elina if she is a lesbian. Elina answers that she is a VERY sexual person. Um, Elina that doesn’t make you a lesbian, that makes you a whore.
  • Every time I think they wheels have fallen off this show, Tyra asks another ridiculous question. Now she’s got some chick showing her cage fighting moves.
  • Here’s a girl who is making her poor and I’m sure financially strapped parents proud. A Harvard graduate, English major, who cannot name ONE heroine from English literature. Even Tyra is throwing names out there. If I was a Harvard graduate who just got schooled by Tyra I would just jump in front of the ANTM bus and hope that Miss Jay stomps all over my dead body.
  • Each girl puts her hand on a megatron (I have no idea what it’s called) and will either hear “Access Granted” or “Access Denied” in a robot voice. It’s probably Tyra-Bot.
  • Ok ladies, zip up your shiny metallic blue uni-TARD and get your makeup nice…it’s photo time.
  • Please Tyra, give it up. Is she going to talk the a robot all season long? It’s as stupid as Miss Jay’s hairdo.
  • We have our final 14 and there is still an hour left of this train wreck. This is our punishment America, for the war in Iraq.
  • Ok I know this is random, but the house these girls are living in looks like the house from “Amish in the City”…There’s an idea…Tyra should get some Amish in the house. Do they believe in modeling?
  • OH MY GOD………………IT’S FREAKING MAX FROM “THE MAX” ON SAVED BY THE BELL. Where the hell did they dig this guy up? Now here’s why I could never be on this show (aside from the fact that I don’t look a THING like a supermodel). I would be asking him a million Saved by the Bell questions. “Hey MAX, why weren’t you at the telethon to save the Max? What did you think of Jessie’s caffeine addiction? Were you for or against oil drilling at Bayside?”
  • The photo shoot is going to have a presidential election theme…voting is sex-ayyyy……Time to dress up as your favorite political issue. Why isn’t anyone wearing a meat dress and meat shoes? I miss the old disgusting days.
  • So who stays? The girl who stepped out of the Megatron and stepped into the Glamitron? or the girl who rocks a metallic blue uni-TARD like it’s her job? Looks like Shavon got the boot. You know, the girl who kept telling everyone she was America’s Next Top Model? Well, there’s 2 hours of my life gone for good. I will hold on to the hope that more 80’s sitcom extras will make appearances in future episodes. Maybe Dexter from Silver Spoons.