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America’s Next Top Model: Red Unitards!

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I got a bunch of emails from people who couldn’t wait to see what America’s Next Top Model recapper, Jenny, would say about last nights crapisode of America’s….Next…..Top…..Model. Here’s what Jenny said went down:
  • The show starts with Dominique and Claire arguing over Dominique’s alarm clock going off too early. It’s now 10 minutes into the show, literally…and they are STILL arguing over the alarm clock. And what’s up with Dominique’s accent? What exactly is it?
  • Nice. The divider to the cab-hummer-limo rolls down and reveals that TYRA is the driver. What a treat for all. She tells the girls she has 5 words for them. (Tyra loves numbers) “go upstairs and get dressed” For some reason this makes the models squeal like piglets.
  • They arrive at the dance studio and don red spandex shirts, red spandex pants and black shoes. Go Chelsea.
  • Tyra gives the girls a lesson in walking. Seriously, how many times are these girls going to get walking lessons? Evidently there is a 3 second rule. Get to the end of the runway, show your outfit for 3 seconds. Is this kind of like the 2 second rule? I say if your twinkey falls on the ground, you can still eat it as long as you pick it up within 2 seconds.
  • OH HERE WE GO. Tyra suddenly acts like she has gas pains. But it’s her ankle. I say she’s trying to fake us out. OH! yes…she’s just kidding! She’s so GOOD at this! All of Tyra’s parables have point. She tells us she did this because the next segment is posing with pain. “Think pain but beauty.”
  • No lie I have no idea what’s going on right now. First she tells them to think headache. Then menstrual pain. She’s yelling for pain pills and acetaminophen. Ow I sprained my ankle! Ouch! As it turns out, when you sprain your ankle, you roll around on the floor in break-dancing/stripper moves and throw your legs over your head like a 2 dollar hooker. This is priceless. How does Tyra not have her own show? Oh wait, she has two. Good thing.
  • I wonder why they don’t do pain associated with watching this show? It’s easy, just lay down on the ground with needles sticking out of your eyes.
  • Ok, it’s another pose off. AGAIN. When all else fails, go to pose off. Each girl gets a “pain” to act out. This consists of “windburned lips”, “fingers closed in the door”, “my weave tracks are killing me”, “my neck hurts because I just got strangled”, and “my palms hurt because I was playing patty cake all day” I wonder why she didn’t have anyone do “my shins hurt because I mowed the lawn while wearing shorts and the stupid rocks kept pelting me after they got caught up in the blade?”
  • Anya wins the pose off. She wins a one on one photo shoot with Nigel.
  • For this week’s photo shoot, the girls have to act out different music genres.
  • At judging, Tyra pulls the “you did this, and you should have done thissssssss” I can never tell the difference. To me, smiling with your eyes, think beauty but pain, and acting hoochie but making it fashion all look the same.
  • Amy is eliminated from the competition. See Tyra, now THAT would have been a good “pain pose” at your class. Til next week.