Catfish Recap: The One With the Telenovela

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It’s time for another episode of “It’s Never Once Been Who You Thought It Was, Never Ever Not Even Once:  Season 2.”  Friend the people from your Hotmail Spam folder because we’ve got a real doozie on our hands this week.  Apparently there’s a state called Arizona and it birthed some dude named Ramon.  He enjoys working the graveyard shift in the kitchen of a casino, but more importantly he loves to get his eyebrows waxed within an inch of his life.  Nev and Max are about one more hotel stay away from taking off their bras and getting into a pillow fight whilst they do cartwheels across the room in their nightgowns without wearing underwear.  These two are literally the Ernie and Bert of our generation and one can only imagine the arguments that must ensue when Nev gets crumbs in the bed.  Plus you totally know Bernice won’t have any bickering when it’s time for  little shut-eye.  Zzzzz Zzzzz.

Back to the task at hand.  Ramon is looking for the help of Nev and Max because he fell in love with some chick named Paola (pronounced “P-ow-la” but I will only pronounce it “Pay-hola” because I’m good like that) after she told him he was hot on Facebook.  You know, if I had a dollar for every stranger who told me I was hot on Facebook, I’d have $0.15.  Go figure.  Math is not my strong suit…nor is wearing suits.  Anyexcessivechesthair, Ramon has chatted it up with Paola but, go figure, he hasn’t met her in person yet and he also has barely been able to see her over a web-cam.  For real, how creepy does that word “web-cam” sound?  It’s worse than a late 90’s AOL chatroom.  A/S/L?  I’d like to think that these poor bastards would start to get a little bit smarter over time, you know, because an entire season of this show already took place, but evidently the reception must be a little fuzzy in Arizona because Ramon has been told by Paola that she is not who she said she was, but then later said she was kidding.  He believed her.  Later he finally got to Skype with her but…wait for it…wait for it…she only showed her eyes for about 5 seconds and then shut the camera off.  Ramon claims it was not the person whose pictures he has, but Paola explained that away by saying that it was really her cousin on the camera and she wanted to see if he really loved her for her.  Again, he believed her.  It gets worse.  We’ll get there.

Nev and Max immediately fly out to Randomville, Arizona to meet up with poor Ramon.  I mean that figuratively and literally.  Seriously that part of Arizona looks hotter than a cats crotch.  I’ve heard.  As Ramon is explaining away his crazy it finally hits me that they’re all sitting on my favorite piece of furniture that “the poors” seem to sport on the regular which is, of course, a puffy leather couch.  These people could be on food stamps and turning tricks in a rusted out dumpster behind a Fashion Bug, but they’ll always scrape up enough money for a puffy leather couch.  It’s glorious, really.  The puffy leather couch is the ultimate status symbol for “the poors” so that they can seamlessly separate themselves from their other poor friends.  It’s like, “Louis may have clocked-in time-and-a-half at Walgreen’s this week…but at least I still have the puffy leather couch.”  Oh, by the way, if you look closely in the above photo you’ll see a claw-machine in the background…you know…because that makes sense.  Moving right along.  Just when you think it can’t get worse, we learn that Paola is having some money troubles and, well, Ramon gave her some.  Like a tricky little  meth addict it started off really small.  First he bought her a Nintendo Wii.  I mean, if she ain’t (ai-not) working she might as well keep busy with a little Mario Brothers!  Next up he starts paying her $145 monthly phone bill.  Later he just starts sending her pre-paid credit cards worth thousands of dollars and then, just to make things easier, he gives her access to his bank account.  She must have reaaaalllly trusting eyes via Skype because this dude may be the largest pile of bricks we’ve seen since Chelsea’s IUD fell out on Teen Mom so she decided to have unprotected sex instead of putting it back in.  You know it’s bad when Nev and Max are shocked and actually laughing when Ramon is telling them all of this.  I like when Max and Nev giggle.  They’re like mini-LaToya Jackson’s getting silly off a half-glass of champagne on New Years Eve outside the gates of the Neverland Ranch.

I’d also like to go on the record now (since I assume everything I say is legally binding in a standard Judge Judy court of law) that in every picture we see of Paola online, well, she pretty much look like she’s “tuckin’ d*ck.”  I know it, you know it, and her Hanes underwear with the pee-pee hole knows it.  Nev keeps looking at Paola’s “cousin” on Instagram and thinking that it could be her, but I’m still not convinced.  So, therefore, I’m settling on the idea that Paola has the dickola.  Also, hola!  And, of course, ole!

After “researching” who Paola is, which consists of basically Googling “Who is Paola” and then clicking on “’ (it’s a non-profit) Nev and Max figure out that someone else is using some random chicks pictures and pretending to be them.  Gasp.  It’s become standard practice now that the “real” person video chats with Nev and Max and like a war hostage they make this person say on camera that they’re not the one who has been talking to said person for the past 8-months.  More importantly, why does the person on Skype never seem to really be phased by any of this?  Like this is a regular occurrence for them?  Even if this real Paola is legit, there is still something fishy about her.  Either that or she just smells like pescado.  It’s a real toss up.  Later Nev and Max show Ramon and his eyebrows the damning evidence.  Poor Ramon (literally) seems shocked for some reason and even his eyes fill up a bit after he sees the video.  Perhaps it’s just the aftermath of a rough eyebrow waxing.  Perhaps he’s just scared because under the table Nev is trying to get to 2nd base.  One may never know.

One other thing I’m loving about this season is when Nev calls up the person who is doing the Catfishing.  He’s always starts with the classic, “Hi.  Um.  My name is Nev and I’m doing a show called Catfish?  Have you heard of it?”  And the person on the line is always like, “Uh-huh, uh-huh I’m familiar, keep going.”  First off, I would hang up immediately.  Second, who talks on the phone anymore?!  I’d be like, text me the details or Tweet me @ibbb.  This time around Nev really strong arms Fakeola with his pipe-cleaner arms and is all like, “Can you clear your schedule for the next few days to meet us because this is about someones life!”  He’s about one more hotel apple away from a true b*tch-fit.  P.S., if he keeps rolling his eyes they’re going to stay like that one day…especially if someone slaps him on the back whilst eye rolling takes place.  For real, don’t ever do that. Fakeola decides to let them come to her section 8 housing and foreclosure to play a little game of “Surprise!  No Surprise!’  By the way has anyone noticed that Ramon seems like he couldn’t care less about being on this show and/or about life in general?  On the plane ride to Florida he looks out the window and without any emotion just looks out and says, “Oh.  The Grand Canyon.”  Yeah, I’m sure that’s the reaction God was looking for when He made it in 1952.  Geesh.

It’s finally meet-up day and I can’t even begin to do justice to the events that take place.  Also, there’s nothing I like better than a Catfisher who’s all pissed off as soon as they exit the front door.   This time around all I can say about Fakeola is that, well, she doesn’t live in a shed.  See?  That was nice of me.  She is less than psyched about this experience right off the bat and is like, “Hi Ramon.  Yeah, it’s me.  Loyda.  What else do you want me to say?”  Now earlier she mentioned to Nev that this whole situation was complicated and she was actually telling the truth.  Apparently, Ramon did know that it was Loyda the whole time because, um, she told him that before…but he didn’t want to hear it.  Oh, and they did Skype before and he did see all of her “sexy” but he didn’t want to believe it.  Seriously, Nev and Max are pissed!  They’re totally going to take it out on each other back at the Ramada.  Max almost drops the camera and Nev is stuck in a constant eye roll loop…like he’s seconds way from speaking in tongues.  They ask Ramon about this and he claims he just “forgot” he knew it was really Loyda and he also forgot that she told him that a half-dozen times.  Now I’m confused.  So did we just technically get Catfished?  Per usual, they all peace out and go back to the hotel.  Nev gets creepy and “friends” the real Loyda on Facebook and notices that she posted a picture of an engagement ring that Ramon had “bought” for her and she even posted a picture of the letter that came with the ring.  Ramon swears that he never gave her that ring, but there’s only one way to solve all this.  They’re going back to the house!

As if all this couldn’t get any more confusing, Catfish suddenly turns into a Telenovela when we get to meet the mother and the brother.  Let’s just say that the mother, like the daughter, doesn’t “live in a shed” but she could.  Oh and she’s going all 6’s and 7’s every time Nev or Max ask a question.   To make matters worse/better even she knew that her own daughter was faking who she was to get junk from Ramon.  Ay dios mios!  My favorite part, however, was when she said, “He bought her expensive gifts…like the Wii.”  I mean.  Also, I’m pretty sure the Wii has some fitness games so…well…give those a whirl, no?  At one point everyone is sitting around in a circle and yelling at each other.  Ramon is yelling at Loyda.  Loyda is yelling at Ramon.  The brother is yelling at Loyda.  Max even starts yelling at the mother and then she starts yelling at no one, but sits at the end of the couch and looks out the side of her eye.  Did I mention was a pretty name “Loyda” is?  Very whimsical.  I’d like to go on record again that I have no way of knowing if I’m dreaming any of this episode.  In the end, Loyda admits that she mailed herself the ring with the money that Ramon gave her but they decide to give things a try and be friends.  That actually means that everyone leaves the room except Loyda, Ramon and one camera man and they sit on opposite sides of the couch while guts hang over belts and slim-pickings conversation takes place.  We sadly learn that Ramon doesn’t have any friends and we learn that Loyda probably needs to be put on a 5150.  They awkwardly hug-it-out and take an even more awkward picture with Nev and Max…like everything is good?  Sadly, these two love birds never really ended up talking much after this was filmed, as Loyda has a new boyfriend.  Let me try that again. As Loyda has a new “boyfriend.”  It’s probably the mother with a combover wig.  At least she’s paying back the $3,000 that Ramon gave her.  Unfortunately we never get an answer to the most important missing piece of this entire puzzle.  Who gets the Wii?

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