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Catfish Recap: The First Time THIS Ever Happened on Catfish!

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I wanted to title this Catfish recap “I Can’t” and then just strap dynamite to my blog and have at it.  Just when you think that Catfish can’t get any better, well, it certainly does.  If you thought you’ve experienced the biggest pile of bricks on television last season, meet Antwane.  And, yes, it’s spelled that way.  Antwane may just be the best reality show trash bag of all time and, well, if you’re like me you’ve loved every minute of him.

This time around, Antwane’s cousin, Carmen, has written to Nev and Max because she’s concerned for him that he’s being Catfished on the regular by some guy that he…wait for it….wait for it…adjust your weave…wait for it…”met” on one of those 1-900 numbers where you can “chat” with local singles in your area.  Seems safe!  Antwane dialed up some local dumpster and met “Tony.”  They’ve been talking on the phone for three years, but have never met even though Tony has been in the Cincinnati area a number of times.  Oh and just in case your eyes and ears were broken, Antwane is as gay as the day is long.  Nev, of course, is intrigued by this case and decides to take up Carmen on her offer to gas up the MTV jet and fly on over to Cincinnati so they can solve this case…that will most likely end up on a future episode of Law & Order: SVU.  Obviously Roz from Night Court will play the role of Carmen and, in a surprise twist, Roz from Night Court will also play the role of Antwane, since I’m pretty sure that Antwane and Carmen are the same person anyway.

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When Nex and Max arrive at Carmen’s house we immediately notice she’s transformed her dining room into a home gym.  That makes sense.  I squealed with delight when she strapped on her boxing gloves and started to beat up on Nev, who looked like he wanted to squeak and shriek for an adult.  Here’s the thing.  I actually like Carmen.  She’s like a less “in your face” version of Precious.  Plus she has half the face as her, but with twice the personality.  The point is that there’s a lot of math involved.  Either way, she walks Nev and Max through a dry-run of how you call up these “chat lines” and talk to local singles.  She dials up, listens to voice recording of some dude and then leaves him a message AND changes her voice whilst doing so because she says she doesn’t want to “sound heavy.”  Slow claps all around!  And you totally know that Nev was trying his best to memorize that phone number.  Now if only he could sneak away to find a local Radio Shack to purchase a throw-away cell phone.

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They all finally head over to meet Antwane at his apartment.  Let me retype that.  They all finally head over to meet Antwane at his apartment?  Punctuation is everything.  Antwane lives upstairs from what I can only assume is a coke-den, which really reminds us all that this actually exists.  Antwane seems like a lot of fun because right off the bat he mentions that his legs hurt because his pants are too tight and then mentions that he has stick on Brazilian hair.  I can’t believe that was a wig!?  Was it just me or were you constantly hearing, “Hated it!” in the background every time he finished speaking?  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.

Antwane explains to everyone how he met Tony over the “chat line” but here’s the thing…they never met and he’s never seen a picture of him before, but he does want to spend the rest of his life with him because he’s in love.  To make things worse he doesn’t own a computer, have Facebook and can’t video chat with him via his phone because, in his own words, he has an “Obama phone” which means the government gave it to him and literally all you can do is talk on it.  Thanks Obamacare?  I’m kidding.  I, of course, have no idea what that is.  What I do know is that Antwane doesn’t have Tony’s phone number so the only way he can talk to him is when Tony decides to give him a ring on his government issued phone.  Per usual, makes sense.  The good news is that Tony calls once per day, but can unfortunately never meet up with him because he’s always “working construction.”  So either Tony is actually “Carmen” doing a new voice or he’s in prison and this is literally his one allowed phone call per day.  I’ve watched “Orange is the New Black” so I’m quite familiar with the prison system.

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Nev and Max get to work immediately (after I’m sure some heavy over-the-sweater-petting took place) on trying to figure out just who Tony may be.  Since they don’t really have any information on him they basically just shake a Magic 8-Ball and throw some salt over their left shoulder.  “The Google” wasn’t able to help too much since all they had was one phone number, which showed zero results.  They were, however, able to track down a Diana Thomas who had a son named Anthony who lived in the area.  After 20 minutes of Nev explaining to Max how “Anthony” can also be known as “Tony” they then Google his name and the first result is a local area mug shot.  Jackpot!  Although I’m pretty sure it goes without saying that your online or over-the-phone relationship person will typically have a mug shot.  And I love how now Max and Nev are convinced that this guy is in prison and calling Antwane from the slammer.  It’s really the oldest love story in the book.

Since they don’t have anything else to go on, they decide to head over to Antwane’s crack house and break the news to him and Carmen that he may only be eligible for conjugal visits for the next 20-25 years.  He’ll probably have to check his Brazilian stick-on with security.  To no surprise, Antwane is devastated and seems actually shocked that his “chat line” lover may be pulling the gotcha gotcha on him.  If you thought the only logical next steps was for Antwane and Carmen to run down the street with a stolen bucket of chicken, you’d be wrong.  The most logical next step is for Nev and Max to take them around to three houses where alleged “Anthony Thomas'” live and just knock on the door and see who answers.  See, now they’re forced to do this because Google basically provided them no help.  Rookie mistake.  This is why you always use Ask Jeeves.

For real, every house is in the ghetto and I’m nervous every time they knock on the door.  I, of course, pause my DVR and go and lock my door and grab my baseball bat.  Now I’m ready to watch. The first two houses are a bust and I’m pretty sure that if there weren’t cameras the guy in the first house would just start shooting from his second floor window.  In the second house a woman answers the door and doesn’t seem phased at all that Nev and Max are there with said camera crew.  Finally the third house has been condemned by the Board of Health and has a padlock on the front door.  I was like THIS is totally where he lives.  Sadly, he didn’t live there even though Nev refused to give up and walked to the back of the house where was this little rusty shed.  I was shocked that a fat chick didn’t roll out of that gasping for air and yelling “I am Tony!”

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You know something has to be up when we’re close to the Catfish unveiling time and yet there is no Catfish and no real leads.  And that’s when it hit me.  My above guess had to be right!  And, well, I was!  Ring some bells because all of a sudden Carmen just blurts out “I’m Tony!”  Whaaaaat!?  Antwane immediately freaks, but his reaction isn’t overly surprised which makes me think that all this was staged.  What was awesome was how on cue Carmen changed her voice to sound like Tony and Antwane just got into the car and began to talk to himself for the remainder of the scene.  As if this couldn’t get any better (!!) Carmen immediately explains why she has done this to Antwane for 3 years which is…are you ready?  No really, are you ready?  She claims she’s done this because 3 years ago Antwane called her a “fat ass Kelly Price” in front of all their friends.  I mean.

Per usual Carmen isn’t sorry at all and what was kind of interesting was how she just kept saying to Nev and Max that they have all the footage they need for the show and don’t need a conclusion to this episode.  All I know is that the real Kelly Price must be pissed!  Carmen continues to explain that she Catfishes everyone in her life and is really good at it.  It’s nice to have and achieve goals!  She also explains how people just want to be on television no matter what and, well, I agree with her.  At least that’s my dream.  Nev was z-snapping all over the place and yelling at Carmen and making fun of the words she was using until the producers had to cut in and tell Nev he was sabotaging his own show.  Again, whaaaaat!?  I love when they break the fourth wall!

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In the end, Antwane is pissed and we barely hear from him.  He claims he won’t talk to Carmen anymore and she claims she hasn’t spoken to him since the “unveiling.”  I say good for them!  I hope they both make it onto Dancing With the Stars….or on food stamps.  Whichever comes first.