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Catfish Recap: With Special Guests Oprah and Gayle!

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What the hell happened on Catfish last night?  First off, why the hell was it on Tuesday?  And 17th of all, I honestly feel like I would have to watch it 11 more times before I actually understood what happened.  Unless they’re going to start drawing these out in cartoon format, I’m not sure any of us are supposed to follow.  Either way, here’s what I could surmise from what I believe happened last night.  Also I have no idea if I used the word “surmise” correctly as I have never used that word before but my “word-a-day” calendar heavily suggests I sprinkle it throughout my day in order to watch my vocabulary grow.  So here’s what went down….

We meet Blake who’s originally from LA but has been spending his summer in Texas since he’s an entrepreneur and has developed an app that he wants to force down southern people’s throats.  I’m sure it either has to do with guns or diabetes detection.   Since being in Texas he’s met a girl via “the Twitter” named Kiersten who looks like she’s choked on a bouquet of d*cks in all of her online pictures.  Her hair is as white as Mrs. Claus’ biggity-beaver and she looks like she has no gag reflex so, well, there’s that.  Blake is smitten with her and the two start up an online relationship that moves over to text and regular phone calls.  Since they’re both in the same part of Texas (I believe the town is called something like Cousin-Rape, Texas)  Blake decides he wants to meet up with Kiersten a variety of times but, sadly, it would never work out since there were always some horrific family emergencies that would take place.  After, LITERALLY, 50 times, Blake started to get suspicious and finally decided to Google Kiersten and realized that her pictures and, sadly, her name were not of her.  He confronted her and she came clean (which I think is a little to personal for us to know about but, hey, that’s just me).  Kiersten “admits” that the girl in the pictures was actually her good friend Sara Rose and she let her use the pictures.  Kiersten is actually a girl named Kendra and after a short period of time she sends him some Instagram pictures of herself…which ends up being some hot brunette.  Yeah, ok.

Related:  Follow Me on Twitter and Catfish ME!

Did I mention that Nev is back on crutches again this season?  WTF does he keep doing to himself?  It’s like, when Max says he doesn’t want a foot up there just listen to him for Pete sake.  No means no!  God is love, Rev Run.  Now is it just me or does Blake kind of seem like the guy who’s going to end up killing his wife and trying to cover it up one day?  Like, he’ll be on the news crying saying he’s looking for the killer and then Nancy Grace will bust him 6-months later and the cops will eventually find child porn on his laptop.  I’m right, right?  Eh, maybe I just think that because I don’t believe in people who don’t blink.  Ever.

Nev and Max start their detective work and strike out in their image search so they decide to just Facebook the real Sara Rose and ask her some questions.  A call turns into a Skype chat and we learn that Sara Rose may or may not have a busted lip and that she may or may not bob for d*ck on camera for minimum wage.  More importantly we learn that she does know “Kiersten” because Kiersten friended her on Facebook a year ago and asked her to take a picture of herself…wait for it…wait for it….holding up a sign that said “Kiersten” so she could “give it to her niece who was a big fan of hers.”  I mean.  To make it worse, Sara thought this was completely acceptable so took the picture.  Something tells me this chick also falls for triple penetration scenes when the director tells her he just wants to try something really quick for just one second.

Next up they contact the real Kendra and Skype with her.  She, too, claims she knows “Kiersten” and that she was using her pictures online to scam people.  To be honest I was overly confused by this part because she was talking about conversations that Kiersten was having with Sara Rose as Kendra and blah.  Who knows!?  All I do know is that there are a lot of girls out there that look like porn stars. This must be a new thing.  I, of course, blame everything Kardashian for this.  They  end up telling Blake all of this and, since I truly believe he’s a serial killer at heart, he’s upset…but he’s also optimistic that he and “Kendra” can have a relationship one day since she knows so much about him (probably where the bodies are buried).  This guy is nuts.  I mean, he literally solved his own Catfish mystery himself the first time and now Nev and Max solved his second Catfish mystery and he’s still hopeful for a nice outcome.  It’s like, dude, if you’re that desperate for a relationship maybe purchase one of those nice Russian women for marriage….or one of those life-like dolls that you can do sex to and dress up nicely for your stuffed animal tea party that you hold, faithfully, every second Sunday of the month.

Related:   Join Me on Instagram and See Pictures of a Meal I Made…Once

Finally Nev and Max call up “Kendra” and she sounds just as crazy on the phone as I would have hoped for.  I was convinced she was using a fake voice machine and that she was really a dude, but only time will tell.  She’s legit put-off that Blake would ever involve Nev and Max if he wanted to meet her so badly and she really thinks they don’t need help from them.  Sure, seems legit.  However after some thinking she decides she’d like to meet him and they’ll have to fly out to Idaho to meet her.  The good news, for me, is that this reminded me that Idaho is a state that exists and not just a fictitious location that was used in my Social Studies books (Grades 1 -8).  They all agree and head to Idaho, but since her “son is sick” they have to meet up in an open park.  Every. Single. Time.  My stomach gets anxious when they’re waiting for the person to show up.  Why am I so invested in this?!

After waiting for a bit she finally shows up and…to no surprise…she’s not any of the people in her 10,000 fake profiles.  She’s an obese chick that has a hard time walking (and swings one arm, only, when she walks like the fats tend to do) towards them, but she’s sporting some Amber Portwood fake eyelashes and a Cherie Johnson headband.  Here’s the thing….at this point they all know that she’s not Kendra either, but she doesn’t know that they know. Right?  Did we ever find out her actual name?  Eh, either way.  What is so crazy about this, besides all of it, is that she continues to lie and it’s soooo awkward because she doesn’t know that we know.  She comes up with some crazy story about how she and Sara Rose and some other girls in her “clique” came up with all these fake “party profiles” so that when they were out and would meet guys they’d give them these profiles if they didn’t want to talk to them.  For real, I have no idea what “party profiles” are and what the hell she was talking about.  And when Nev and Max started asking her a lot of questions about Sara Rose and how she became friends with her, she started to shut down.  Although I do have to admit I squealed with delight when she referred to Nev and Max as “Oprah and Gayle” which just confirmed for me that (1) she reads my blog and (2) I’m gettin’ famous y’all!

Oh and did I mention this chick is CRAZY!?  She’s crying and yelling at them and saying she’s finally telling the truth but obviously we know she’s not.  After a bunch of back and forth she storms away because she can’t take it anymore.  And by “storms away” I mean she “kinda tries to walk as fast as she can but, let’s face it, she doesn’t glide when she moves.”  I mean at this point I still think Blake wants to see if this will have a nice outcome.   Per usual, they call her up the next day and convince her to meet them one more time, but that she’s in control and it’s on her terms.  She agrees.  I’m sure this will go swimmingly.

It doesn’t.  She continues to lie and that’s when Max really throws his biggest sass-induced-huff this season.  I don’t blame him as she legit starts yelling at him to shut up and that she doesn’t want to talk to him, especially after he keeps saying that they all still think she’s lying.  Max storms off the set, but not before delicately placing his camera on the couch so it can still record.  It’s like, relax, I think the actual camera crew can handle this one, but thanks for setting up your Disney View-Master before you left.  At one point she’s just crying and checking her phone in case the doctor “texts” her to let her know that they’re going to admit her son to the hospital.  It’s nice to know she has her priorities in order.

The “meeting” pointlessly ends and then something odd happens.  Blake and ‘Kendra” are outside with their mics still on, but the camera crew is inside and filming through the window.  She’s saying things like “you were supposed to be my friend” and he’s all “I am still your friend.”  WTF!?  Were we all just Catfished?!  He hugs her and says they’ll stay in touch.  One month later we learn they haven’t spoken once since the meeting.  But, ironically enough, he is now talking to the real Sara Rose on the regular.  I’m sure it’s just Kendra again playing reindeer games.  Kendra, on the other hand, claims that it was she who decided to not talk to him anymore due to his “behavior” in Idaho.  So to sum up, everyone is crazy….including me…and you, of course.  But the real takeaway is that Idaho is real.