Catfish: So This is Just One Giant Tracie Thoms Audition Tape, No?

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When you don’t have an online relationship that’s in the toilet, but are a struggling actress and still want some camera time, then Catfish is the place to be.  Gone are the days where you need to be 16 and pregnant, you can now be pushing 30 and looking for free press in all the wrong places.  Like back alleys.  Meet Tracie Thoms.  She’s an actress who is writing to Nev and Max because she has a “fan” who is working overtime on Catfishing her.  Nev would have responded to her earlier, but he’s too busy rapping at the beginning of this episode like he does now on the regular.  This time he’s using his hands and desk as a drum-set and trying to rhyme things like “Max” and “chest.”  It’s only a matter of time (season finale) before he’s rhyming things like “anal” and “monogamous relationship.”  I believe “orange” rhymes with both of those terms.  But what do I know?  I dropped out of 1st grade to learn the wonderful world of blog writing.

Back to Tracie.  If she looks familiar to you for some reason, you’re a liar.  Like the rest of The America, I needed to be told that she was in the movie version of Rent and appears in Death Proof.  If you like to pause your DVR like me and read her full letter, you would also have learned that she was in an episode of Cold Case (i.e., dead body 1) and The Devil Wears Prada (i.e., party goer 12).  However, the big take-away is that if her career was that kick ass she wouldn’t be wasting her time on Catfish.  So basically she should be thanking sweet nino Jesus that a fan is Catfishing her because, if not, I’m sure she’d be spending her days playing a stand-in on OMG! EMT!

Since this is basically just a 1-hour commercial for Tracie’s upcoming movie, we learn that she has a “super fan” named Sammie that she “met online.”  I’m putting that in quotes because Nev and Max air-quoted that as well and I want to be just like them when I grow up.  And by that I’m strictly referring to overgrown chest hair and holding old-timey cameras.  Tracie and her super-fan have most of their interactions via The Twitter.  Here’s the thing, Tracie keeps saying that it’s “sooo” important to have these fans because they really help promote your movies and your career and “independent films” rely on them.  I mean, really?  You mean to tell me some crazy chick with 4 followers is where you want to spend your marketing time?  Either way, Sammie was kind enough to make videos for Tracie and probably play scissors with her if that was her thing and, well, it just may be.

Related: Follow Me on Twitter and Support My New Movie Role

Per usual, the “online friend” is crazy and we learn that Sammie created an additional Twitter account by the name of Reese.  I immediately of course thought that the Della Reese was behind all of this (and my first official Catfish guess) but I was sadly mistaken.  Apparently “Reese” got cancer and quickly died and both Sammie and, in turn, Tracie were devastated.  I’m not joking when I say I didn’t really understand how any of this worked, but things got interesting when Sammie sent Traci a 10 second video of “Resse’s” casket exiting the church at the “funeral.”  P.S., can I just “air quote” this entire recap?  Just read this whole thing as if I’ve air quoted everything.  Thank you for your time. However, the best part is that it looked like Sammie was filming this whilst hiding behind a parked car.  So basically she was crashing someone else’s funeral and videoing it for Twitter.  I say “brilliant” and I want someone to do this for me as well.  Someone get on that immediately.  I plan to be dead in 2099.

As if the faux-funeral video wasn’t enough, she then Tweeted out a picture of the card you put on your car that says “funeral” when you drive in the procession.  That’s nice.  Luckily you can only fool Tracie upwards of 10,000 times before she catches on and this time she enlarged the picture of the funeral card, found a phone number, called it, and learned that there was no “Reese” that died.  I know.  I’m as shocked as you.  Tracie then turned into a real-life cartoon detective and tried to trick Sammie into sending her the obituary of Reese, but that never panned out so Sammie just basically started shutting down all her social media accounts on the double!  Tracie was really upset because she felt like she was going to hire Sammie for a real job.  I mean.  What?  Who would do that!?  I currently have almost 5,000 followers on Facebook and let me tell you something, you’re all nice, but there is no doubt in my mind that 98% of you would kill me if you could get away with it.  I jest.  96%.  Luckily, Nev and Max are going to get to the bottom of this and, hopefully, sass everyone they come into contact with in the meantime!

Related:  Friend Me on Facebook and Perhaps I’ll Offer You a Job

Ok so the research portion is way over my head this week.  First it starts off with basically just clicking the “about” button on Sammie’s Twitter page (I mean), but then they start uncovering that she has other accounts and even tried to Catfish some chick who was on some Glee reality show.  No joke, I have no clue what’s going on.  This may or may not be because I had two glasses of wine at dinner and then made it home just in time to watch this train wreck.  Also, wine?  What am I the King of England all of a sudden?!  Either way, they meet up with the H-list celebrity from the Glee reality show and some producer-friend of Tracie who also was tricked by Sammie.  The Glee reject brings all her actual fan mail that Sammie wrote from some other account.  It was as creeptastic as you could imagine.  There were drawings, and long letters and even poems written in the shape of a heart.  Had this kept up for a few more months I’m sure there would have been bunny-porn of some sorts as well.  I just assume that’s how it works.  The bottom line is that they all figure out that Sammie is playing games with their hearts, with their hearts and I should have known from the start, from the start.  Also who cares!?  Where’s the unveiling!?

Again, since this is episode is one giant audition for Tracie, Nev and Max crash her warming up for some show she’s in and she’s doing a little gospel solo for the camera.  It’s like, chill, if they do a remake of “Rags to Riches” I’m sure you’ll be cast in the role of Marva.  Until then, pipe down.  Tracie is all nervous that Sammie is going to kill her in her sleep and the like, but is still willing to travel to Philadelphia (where all the best Catfishers are from) to meet her if Sammie is game.  Luckily after Nev calls her she is down to meet.  Although, she was all skittish and nervous on the phone so, well, if this ends up in one giant murder-suicide I hope the  show continues on and I hope I get cast to play the role of Nev.  I’m rubbing Miracle Grow on my chest as we speak in anticipation.  Sidenote, how great was it when Nev left his house for the airport and kissed his “girlfriend.”  Someone check for a dinky-doo under her dress on the double.  Also, the fact that the paparazzi were there to greet them at the airport just made me jealous and sad about my own celebrity status.  Eh, at least Marcy the homeless midget outside of my apartment gives me the finger when I walk by her each morning.  That’s love.

I have to say, the rest of the episode is weird…and not just because I fell in and out of sleep regularly.  Once they arrive in Philly they’re busy looking for Sammie like they’re hunting deer in the woods.  She’s actually nowhere to be found, but after a while she appears.  And, well, she appeared in the best way possible.  If, like me, you love it when the unveiling consists of a fat chick exiting a shed, you’re gonna LOVE it when a fat lesbian chicks comes out from UNDER A BRIDGE.  Like a troll!  I, of course, jumped up and just started doing the Roger Rabbit in my Hypercolor t-shirt until I broke a sweat.  For real, I love life.  God is real.

Related: Take My Catfish Quiz to Find Out Just What Character You Would Be!

Traci confronts Sammie on the street as awkwardly as one could imagine.  We do learn, however, that the funeral that was filmed was actually of her cousin who died so I’m sure the family won’t think that’s creepy at all.  They end up all chatting about why Sammie did this, but she’s just blaming it on being an only-child-lesbian-who-was-married-to-a-dude-had-a-kid-got-divorced-and-has-two-deaf-parents.  Hyphen, hyphen, hyphen.  Per usual, it’s the oldest story in the book.  I guess if her parents are deaf at least they can’t hear her scissor.  Too soon?

The conversation continues about killing off Reese and Sammie is just basically saying that if she didn’t kill her off they’d be talking about her forever.  Here’s the thing, Tracie is all into this.  It’s like, ruuuuuuuun!  The meeting abruptly ends, but then Sammie texts Nev the next day to have him come over again so she can try and explain.  The explanation the next day is basically about the whole lesbian-deaf-no-siblings thing again.  Yawn.  I mean, wasn’t that the same concept of The Parent Trap?  I have no idea.  Tracie finally oddly forgives Sammie when she tells some story of not having any friends so she created Reese to that she could “fan girl” with someone.  This actually exists?  My favorite, of course, was when she was saying that she also thought she’d get double the response from celebrities if she had two profiles.  I love a lez who knows her math!  In the end they all convince her to channel that energy into writing and producing her own movie.  Sure.  Sounds good.  How about channeling that energy into just not being crazy.  Start small.

Something seemed off about this episode….besides everything.  What am I missing?  IBBB detectives, get to work!  Share your findings in the comments.  We. Are. A. Family.

More Catfish Recaps:
The One With Lucille and Kidd Cole
The One With T-Light and Antoinette
The One With Antwane and Fat Ass Kelly Price, Honey!