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You’re Once, Twice, Three Times a Catfish

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Similar to Joyce DeWitt, each week Catfish seems to reinvent themselves.  This week we’re lucky enough to visit the island of Minnesota, where bears do sex to each other to keep warm in the winter.  Allegedly.  I don’t need bears suing me for roar money.  Deep in the woods we get to meet Miranda.  Like everyone else on this show she’s in a bit of a jam.  Actually she’s in more of a jelly.  Either way, years ago she met Cameron on the World Wide Web.  It’s a magical destination, really.  Cameron meant everything to Miranda.  They’d talk all the time and he’d send her photos of himself with different hairdos that Ellen sported in the early to mid 90’s.  Needless to say, Miranda was in love.  The only problem was that she had never met Cameron before, but since they spoke every night she was ok with lack of video chatting and the like.  As long as those lesbian hairstyles were being sent over to her on the regular, she was content.  As would anyone.

To make things interesting, thanks to the brilliance that is Catfish, Miranda got a little suspicious of Cameron since he would only talk with her over the phone, so she learned some Catfish tips and tricks from Nev and Max which consists of a little photo drag-n-drop and a minor little website called “Google.”  She immediately found out that one of the pictures that Cameron had sent her was actually from a club in Atlanta and was tagged to someone else.  Miranda was devastated because she really told him everything about her, like how her mom (with the jacked up teeth…you’ll see) suffers from Crohn’s disease.  Here’s the thing.  I don’t know much about this disease and, well, I’m sure it doesn’t tickle.  But did Miranda say it was “terminal?”  Like, is it?  And more importantly does it impact what your teeth look like?  Let’s turn this blog into a catch-all for all things Crohn’s.  Someone start writing.

Related:  Follow Me on Facebook and Catfish Me!

To make matters worse, Miranda moved from MN all the way to LA (since she loves fashion and wants to be like Lauren Conrad..but is more like Steph Pratt and she knows it) to attend school…and be closer to Cameron, but sadly he always found some excuse to not be able to meet up with her, like family emergencies and the usual bad Wi-Fi connections.  How comes no one ever blames bad Hi-Fi connections?  Maybe because it’s not the early 80’s?  One may never know.  So Miranda moved back home and then confronted Cameron about the photo evidence she found and how she knows that it’s not really him.  They stop talking for a while after he finally admits that he was pulling the gotcha-gotcha on her and how he just did it because he needed to escape the harsh reality that was his home life.  I’m pretty sure this is code for “I caught obesity.”  Apparently Cameron is really some dude named James who lives in Atlanta and this time he promises it’s really him.  Since Miranda is solely made up of bricks-salad with extra mayo she was willing to give him a second chance because at the end of the day it’s ok if someone Catfishes you once as long as they have newer stock-photos to send you the next time.

Nev and Max can’t believe that Miranda already solved her own Catfish problem the first time, but they’re there to help her the second time so when they discover that James is really an obese woman with an awkward tick, they’ll rest easier.  Personally I loved when Miranda answered the door dressed like Bea Arthur from her “Maude” days.  It was especially cool that she had fake black dead roses placed around her head like she was the ghost of a girl who died during her First Holy Communion.  Plus, bonus points for showing her FUPA to Nev and Max during one big twirl.  She’s gone with bricks fabulous.  Her mom was the balls too.  I mean her teeth alone were everything I dream of when writing these recaps.  However, since I’m not sure yet if Crohn’s is fatal I’ll take a back seat to the name calling…as I have morals and would rather do that in the comments section of this recap.  However I think this gif I created really sums up what everyone thinks about the mother in general…

Max and Nev get to work on each other on trying to figure out just who James is or isn’t.  Or is.  Honestly I forget.  There’s a bit of a change of events when they look for his images and come up empty so they just basically Google his name and up pops dozens of different James’.  I like how every time they say his last name they have to “bleep” it out and I pretend they’re saying horrific swear words, like “So we just searched for James #!*% F*ck Sh*t Balls B*tch F**k.”  Here’s the thing.  This basically turned into an episode of The Dating Game so let’s meet our contestants!  Bachelor #1 is some goofy looking dude who shares the same name as James and from the looks of his pictures he’s an alcoholic!  Bachelor #2 is a real charmer, so much so that he is LITERALLY a registered sex offender and currently serving time for trying to bang a minor!  Welcome Bachelor #2!  Finally Bachelor #3 is of Asian descent and was discovered after they Google’d the phone number and traced the family tree starting with a woman named Hung.  Honestly, I have to admit that they were a little more freaked out about the Asian possibility than the potential sex offender.  Although maybe Max was still on the fritz after Nev had his arm around him during all of this and started to pull him close even when Max told him he was uncomfortable and asked him nicely to stop.  No means “no” Nev so unless you want to start sharing a cell with Bachelor #2 I’d suggest you pour some ice down your pants and call it a day.

Before we continue, I have one more question.  So if it’s not the sex offender or the Asian dude, um, can’t they get in trouble for using their images on a national television show?  Or is it because you’re a registered sex offender they can do what they want with you?  And the same thing if you’re Asian?  I mean, I don’t know all the laws…just, like, 12 of them.  Either way, Nev skedaddles over to meet up with Miranda and her overly random friends at what I can only assume is either a 5*7*9 or a Fashion Bug outlet.  The point is, they all think she’s crazy for falling in love with someone she’s never met and her allegedly gay BFF is all in a huff because James may know more about Miranda than he does.  As a side note, Max should be a little jealous because I think Nev has found a new Bert to his Ernie.

Related:  The Catfish Episode That Started on Myspace

Later Nev calls up James and I have to admit, James seems like he couldn’t be more bothered by this call if he tried.   He was all “Yeah I heard of the show…uh…I don’t know if I can meet her because….uh….I got a lot of stuff going on…so…..”  Yeah nice try.  Also, fess up everyone because I totally know with 100% certainty that you were ALL trying to listen carefully to the voice to see if it sounded Asian.  Y’all are a bunch of racists.  I mean, why not just give him the math test and be on your way?  After a little/a lot of convincing James begrudgingly agrees to meet them all if they’re willing to fly to Atlanta, which they are as I assumed these tickets were purchased in pre-production.  But that’s just me.

By the time Nev and Max arrive at Miranda’s house to pick her up they’re both dressed like they’re auditioning for the role of Sandy in Grease and, truth be told, I think Miranda would be a better fit for the role of Hatchet Face in Cry Baby.  Again, maybe just me.

They finally make it to Atlanta (I assume the midnight train was running as scheduled), but the odd part is that they still haven’t heard from James even though they’ve left voicemails and text messages.  What I find even more odd is that this is all taking place at 10:30 which means that something is up and we still have a lot of time left over for a couple of twists and turns.  After waiting for hours, James finally texts Nev back with about 14 messages and says that he can’t meet Miranda because his family won’t let him go.  I’m sorry, what?  Like, is he 9 years old?  No, I don’t mean that as an easy joke.  My actual guess is that James is a 9 year old boy, potentially home-schooled.  Miranda is devastated by this update, but finally James agrees to Skype with them instead of an in person meeting.  Oh snap this has to be good!  As if it couldn’t get any better he’s demanding to only Skype with Max and Nev first and wants Miranda to get out of the room.  I swear to God if Osama Bin Laden was still alive I would make him my new official guess on who James really is!  Nevertheless I’ prepared to see a small Asian boy on the other end of the screen but I am sadly mistaken.  By the time the screen gets into focus we learn that “James” is actually an overweight African American girl named Gabby.  Miranda just cries.  Also, didn’t they talk on the phone 10 times per day?  I mean, I know all lesbians don’t sound like Greta Van Susteren so how could Miranda really not know that James was an 18 year old girl?!

Nev tries to fish around and asks if Gabby thinks she likes girls, but Gabby just replies back saying that she wasn’t sure.  I was waiting for Nev to exhale a huge sigh of relief and shout, “Phew!  Me either!”  But, sadly, he didn’t.  They don’t really get into why Gabby did any of this, but Nev did force Miranda to roll her chair over in front of the laptop and talk to Gabby.  While Miranda is sad she doesn’t seem overly pissed.  Embarrassed?  Sure, maybe a little but not like freaked out and pissed.  Which seems a bit strange.  Gabby finally agrees to meet with Miranda the following morning and I’m confused why Miranda is agreeing to this at all.  I’ll assume she’s signed some type of contract.  I have no idea.

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Finally the next morning the go to some wooded area (seems safe) to meet with Gabby…who is late…and finally texts Miranda letting her know she won’t be showing up at all and that she’s sorry.  Miranda cries again and they all leave so that she can start moving on with her life.  I actually felt pretty bad for her.  Oh wait, that is until we get to the update where one month later they check in with Gabby who says that she and Miranda still talk regularly and are in a good place.  And then they catch up with Miranda who says that, yes, they do talk and are friendly now.  When Nev confirms that they’re only friends and nothing romantic Miranda just smirks and says they do flirt a bit and she can’t help who she falls in love with…and that Gabby is coming to visit her soon!  Whaaaaat?!  Gabby officially pulled the ultimate Catfish.  The Catfished someone twice and then turned her into Lez Moonves!  So for those of you playing along at home Miranda got Catfished twice and we all got Catfished once.  There were more twists in this episode than there were in Nev’s z-snap!

More Catfish  Recaps & Photos:
The One with Beelzbub & the Creepy Casino
The One With Tracie Thoms and Her Audition Tape
The One With Lucille and Kidd Cole
The One With T-Light and Antoinette
The One With Antwane and Fat Ass Kelly Price, Honey!