Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: “I Put Him Out” is the New “We Gonna Take a DNA.”

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  • You know what international pop stars need to do on a regular basis? Take their wigs out for a nice summertime jog.  Kim and her assistant “Sweetie” and their respective wigs are trying to go for a run to stay/get in shape.  Personally I assumed Kim was running from talent, but apparently I was incorrect.  As a sidenote, Sweetie looks like she just got out of the spin-cycle and is about to be thrown in the dryer.  Anyfluffandfold, after running for about 25 seconds, they decided to try and cross the highway to get some beers from a man who is delivering them to the liquor store and take a break.  Really?  This was really needed?  You mean to tell me that Kim doesn’t have a fully stocked bar under that bleached cat on her head?  I don’t believe it.  I won’t believe.  I also won’t be tardy for the party.  That’s a mistake you only make once.
  • I love seeing Phaedra/Claire Huxtable in her office, especially when she’s trying to educate her client on the law and such things like, stop carrying marijuana around town with you, as it is illegal.  When Claire Huxtable is talking it’s like white-noise to me.  I almost start to fall into nappy-napperson land.
  • Oh hi Ne-Yo.  How’s it going?  Let me ask this.  Why is Kandi really on this show?  She can really sing, really has money, and is really doing things for real.  Do you think she’s going to drop this show as soon as her new album takes off?  More importantly, we learn that Kim made over $100,000 from Tardy for the Party and she didn’t split it 50/50 with Kandi because her lawyer told her she didn’t have to.  That is scandalous.  How much money could LuAnn have made from Money Can’t Buy You Class (my friend)?  I’m guessing $7.62.
  • NeNe and the new housewife, Cynthia, are out at some park for a nice day of talking in front of the camera.  I forgot to mention this, but Cynthia is another one that I can’t understand what the hell she’s saying during the opening credits.  To me it sounds like, “I know how to work it, NBC.”  Listen to it again.  In fact listen to it backwards and I’m sure it says, “NeNe’s boobs have assaulted me.”
  • Speaking of NeNe’s rack, it’s hanging out at the county fair and it scaring all of the small children as she walks.  She’s like dog-damn Godzilla in a whore-red dress.  Regardless, I really like NeNe though, especially when she’s laying on the lawn and telling Cynthia that she had to “put Bryson out.”  She just kept saying, “I put him out” like he’s friggin Dino from the beginning of every Flintstone’s episode.  By the way, “I Put Him Out” it the new “Close Your Legs to Married Mens” and the old “We Gonna Take a DNA.”  Personally I just want to listen to NeNe quotes all the live-long-day (typically whilst I’m working on the railroad).
  • So, Cynthia.  She’s a supermodel.  I’m sorry I meant, “she’s a supermodel?”  Has she ever appeared on America’s Next Top Model?  Has she ever walked in Tyra’s shoes?  Has she taught America how to Smyze?  No, no she hasn’t.  Therefore, according to my math she isn’t a supermodel.  Also, I had no idea that during her model shoot she was the same person who was sitting next to NeNe on the lawn in the previous scene.  Ah, the power of the weave.
  • We learn that Cynthia has been engaged 3 times.  To separate people or the same person?  Because there’s a difference.  Like, Amber has been engaged to Gary 6 times.  So does she mean like that?
  • Grab your peaches because Sheree has a blind date with a doctor scheduled.  She better put on as much She as she can because she’s going to need to dress to impress to really seal the deal.  Her date sent a car for her and the rest is priceless.  Sheree probably has on over $10,000 in clothing and is being driven to a place where they give out free abortions in the parking lot.  No joke, there were “Checks Cashed” places all over the place and her final destination is at some dance hall placed in the middle of a half sized strip mall.  Oh how the mighty have fallen.
  • I can’t love this date any more than I do.  She walks into the “dance hall” and when we see her date it’s basically like “Flava Flaaaaaaaaav!” but dressed in a suit.  I’m like where’s your clock, dude?
  • Sheree’s date, Tiy-E Muhammad (I can’t), has given her flowers that Sheree thinks he picked up on the way by a supermarket, which I think is giving him too much credit since clearly he drove by a cemetery to do his shopping.  She should have just been grateful he didn’t hand her a potted plant with a sign stuck in side that said “Forever” and a small American flag sticking out of it all wrapped in some Easter color foil paper.
  • Just when you think Sheree is going to throw some She at him, we learn that she’s ok with all of this because “he’s easy on the eyes” as she claims.  Whose eyes?  Also, his laugh is awesome.  It’s not just a laugh, it’s a miracle sent to us from Jesus Claus, Santa Christ, and Mary the Red Nose Reindeer.  He doesn’t just laugh.  It sounds like he’s yelling, “Hit to the hooooooow!” every time.  That didn’t translate as I wrote it but, trust me, I’m saying it out loud in my apartment and it’s dead on.  Trust me.  Dead. On.
  • Kim just got the gig of her dreams.  She’s been contacted by some dude who runs what apparently is called “The White Party” in Palm Springs.  Well he either said that or “The Wig Party.”  All I know is that 10,000 people are going to be there and Kim looks like she’s going to have to change into her fright wig because she looks scared.  Other notable people who have performed at this party (which you can’t be tardy for) include Lady Gaga, Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx, and Ke$ha.  Kim has no clue who is Ke$ha is and this is the only time I wish I shared the same mind as Kim.
  • Speaking of Wigs Gone Wild, is Kim’s oldest daughter wearing a wig and standing there in the kitchen with her boobs hanging out?  Seriously, she’s 14.  Go put on play-clothes.  She’s like a little mini Kim.  It’s like watching Muppet Babies right now, for adults.
  • On a very special episode of Housewives of Atlanta: Bryce (Bryson? What’s his name?!) wants to come home to NeNe’s house after she “put him out.”  Seriously this scene is no joke.  NeNe tries to explain to him that he’s 20 years old, doesn’t go to school, doesn’t have a job, and doesn’t clean up after himself.  Oh, and he also got arrested for carrying marijuana with him to visit a friend in jail.  To all of this, he says he thinks that NeNe is too strict with him.  Oh no he didn’t!  This really sets NeNe off and she starts screaming/listing out all the things that she does for him, yet he thinks she’s too tough on him.  This sh*t is real right now.   Yowza.  This is like when you were little and at a friends house and their mom starts yelling at them in front of you and you just kind of sit there quiet waiting for it to be over.
  • Sidenote, whilst yelling NeNe says she works to pay all the bills around the house so that the lights are on the doorbell works.  The doorbell?  Is there a doorbell bill that I don’t know about it?  Ding-dong, your ass just got served on national television.
  • It’s time for Kandi’s performance at “da club” to debut some of her new songs.  Everyone makes it out, including Dwight and his closed nose.  Dwight, Clair Huxtable, and her husband Cliff Huxtable are all at one table and NeNe and crew are at the other table.  Dwight looks like he’s about to pass out from a huffing fit.
  • We learn that Claire’s husband served 6 years in prison but, at this point, we don’t really know why.  Kim thinks he murdered someone because “6 years is a long time.”  Yes Kim, murder only carries a penalty of 6 years.  Murder.  6 years.  We’re talking real murder.  Like killing someone.  We’re not talking about murdering a song and/or my ear-drums from said song (i.e Tardy for the Party).  That sh*t should have got you 6 life sentences.  And they don’t let you wear weave in prison…unless you’re a Lohan (Michael excluded).
  • By the way, Kandi is killing this song (but in a good way).  Is anyone with me that Kandi seems really talented and needs to drop this show and STAT?  She also needs to drop Red’s Fraggle hair but that’s possibly for another day. One step at a time.
  • Poor Kandi.  She is belting her heart out and during all their 1 on 1 interviews the rest of the cast is like, “Kandi did good, but I wasn’t really paying attention because there was so much tension between NeNe and Dwight.”  Sheree, on the other hand, claims she couldn’t understand what Kandi was singing.  Perhaps she’s still a little deaf from her blind date with Flav and him laughing out his “Hit to the hoooooooow’s!”
  • In the end, NeNe and Dwight go into a private room to talk out their argument, say sorry to each other, and awkwardly cry their eyes out.  Also, who isn’t NeNe taller than?

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