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Real Housewives of Beaverly Lakes: Kim Found Her Voice…and Meth Wants It Back

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IBBB was on his death bed last week, as you know, so I was unable to recap the absolute horror that was Taylor for 60 minutes.   From trying to fit into her luggage (spoiler alert: her bony ass fit), to freaking out over someone “stealing” her makeup bag, to finally having the cutest little breakdown at dinner that money can buy, Taylor did not disappoint.  You totally know the whole time Kim was like, “Yes!  I can get soooo drunk now and no one will be the wiser.”  The only thing I regret was that while Taylor was crying and shaking, Kim totally could have either looked at her and said, “You are a goddamnbitch” or my other favorite, “You are a slut-pig.”  Even Adrienne was looking at her like, “You’re going to lead to your husbands eventual suicide.”  Fine, she wasn’t looking at her like that, but her hair tinsel sure was.  I mean, her hair tinsel was also looking at her like, “Outside the snow is falling and birds are calling you-who!” but that’s another Christmas carol for another time.  And Camille could have definitely sexy-danced and uncovered her rat to break up the tension that was Taylor and her “drunken girl at Prom” moments.  And don’t tell me you can’t look at Taylor without thinking, “I’ll F’n kill you if you ever give my kids another pizza without a vegetable on it.”  Is that even a big deal?  I tell the girl at Domino’s that all. the. time.  Then once I get the pizza I scrape off all the vegetables into the trash whilst mumbling “you’re a filthy whore” the whole time.  But that’s just me.

Anyoddforeheads, by the end of the crapisode Adrienne and Paul were waiting for Kim at the airport who was talking absolute nonsense and may or may not have been under the influence of 2 tons of crack, wrapped in meth, and sealed with a kiss (lips dipped in coke).  She’s talking about losing her power and wearing a wet ponytail and making it to the airport in ten minutes.  The only voice of reason in all this is Paul who is saying that Kim sounds intoxicated.  I believe Adrienne is trying to say that Kim just has a cold.  Yeah, I remember that time that I had a cold and I thought I could fly with my arms too.  Same/same.  Regardless, after making the private jet wait for a bit, Kim finally makes it onto the plane and looks like she just crawled out of the dumpster after giving $5.00 dollar handies to the homeless for Value Menu money.

To my surprise, Kim actually takes her cheaters off her face so that we can all examine her in all her glory.  Is it me or does Kim always look like crispy chicken?  Like, I want to guzzle down a Mountain Dew and have a biscuit every time I see her.  And the more white she wears the crispier she looks.  Kim keeps apologizing saying that she lost her power and couldn’t see what she was putting on and had to go to her neighbors house (that she barely knows) to do her hair.  That’s code for:  I was on a 72 hour bender and woke up in crack den in Long Beach, by the airport, laying on a mattress without sheets and a Mexican midget spooning me all while collarless goats and chickens with one wing walked aimlessly around the room.  As the multi-talented Paris Hilton would say, “That’s hot.”  Bricks.

Per usual, Kim is chatting up a storm during the whole plane ride and Adrienne has that look on her face when you realize you’re just about the Shasta McNasty in your pants and will never, ever make it to the toilet in time so you ponder using your underwear as toilet paper and then pray to sweet baby Jesus Claus that is flushes.  Yeah, that look.  Adrienne is all freaked out because she may have to move the Sacramento Kings to another city because, you know, they suck and Adrienne is going to need to bring in some additional revenue since she spends endless money on hair tinsel and a dream on the regular.  Security keeps saying her that the fans are basically going to brutally rape Adrienne whilst at the game so she needs to be very careful.  But our littlest Maloof isn’t going to scare that easily.  Truth be told I was actually pretty nervous for her…that is until I saw the “rabid fans” all over the place with poorly written signs chanting the same thing over and over again which was, “Please don’t go.  Please don’t go.  Please don’t go.”  Hmmm creative.  These fans are polite, yet lack any form of life in them basically like the actual Sacramento Kings.  One “lady fan” really got way out of line when she said to Adrienne, “Go back where you came from” and Adrienne just looks at Kim and says, “See what I mean?  It’s starting already.”  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!  Let me just say there is no threat whatsoever and Paul is looking more and more like a p*ssy.  Oh, and for those of you keeping track at home, yes, I would have actual sexual intercourse with Adrienne’s private plane and the luxury box that she’s sitting in.  Hahaha luxury box.  Giggity.  That’s Adriene’s Indian name….Luxury Box.

Whilst at the game, Kim has no idea what’s going on, where she is, who she is, or that there’s an actual game taking place below her.  She’s telling Adrienne some insane story about some lady with her nipple out.  Let me tell you something, whatever drugs Kim is on really packs a punch and stays with her for a while because she’s still acting crazy and I have yet to see her with a drink.  I mean, I’m sure there is a flask weaved into her weave and she lets it out like beads of sweat and then continuously licks her upper lip and cheeks, but that’s besides the point.  Also, I personally think it’s great that even though Adrienne is at a basketball game she’s still dressed like she’s on her way to attend some chicks Quinceanera right after the Kings lose.  My other favorite parts include Kim waving to “the fans” as they hurl insults at Adrienne and then freaks out when they’re leaving and the door opens because she thinks it was a gunshot.  You can’t blame her, though.  You know how many times I hit the deck when my door closes behind me?  Zero.  Zero times.  I hit the deck zero times because a door never sounds like a gun going off.  Never.   Zero times.  Never.

The other “major” thing that takes place this episode is Kyle’s big charity event that no one seems to want to go to.  It’s for kids with cancer, people, participate.  How come Paris and Nicky Hilton never show up to any of this sh*t?  And where’s their mother?  Where the hell is every other of the 3,000 Hilton’s that roam Los Angeles looking for camera time?  Either way, everyone shows up except for Camille because she’s possibly in Hawaii and Kim because she’s “tired” from her big trip to Sacramento.  I’m pretty certain this actually means that Kim is laying in a pool of her own sweat and feces while zoning out to the Home Shopping Network “Trim-a-Tree” edition and shaking and crying.  In other words, she’s enjoying Sunday.  Someone who did make the event, however, was Taylor.  And she was looking like a cow!  I’m kidding, she’s 1 pound away from death.  She must have been in some race with Russell or something.  Lisa makes sure to find new and innovative ways to make Taylor squirm and grill her about how skinny she’s gotten.  At one point Lisa just says that she’s concerned about Taylor’s arms.  Her arms?  That’s it?  No one is concerned about that vein popping out of both sides of her head?  I mean that junk can’t be healthy.  She looks like she hurts.

Taylor is all pissed off because apparently someone (aka, Taylor) leaked a story about how depressed and skinny Taylor was to the press.  Oh no, not the press!  Taylor hates being in the press.  And, well, Russell is pissed over this so you know someone was explaining a black eye to the girls in the sewing circle on Tuesday.  Violence is never funny.  Unless it’s between two obese people.  I guess I should have started with that disclaimer.  Oh well, you live, you learn.  Per usual, The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick was at the event being, you know, morally corrupt and we also get to meet a new possible member of the cast.  Her name is Brandi.  With an “i” of course.  And she’s tall like a giraffe, yet stands on one leg like a flamingo because she evidently broke it trying to fight off karma.  Karma won.  Brandi was married to that douche-weasel who left her for a more horsier version of herself and, of course, I’m talking about Leanne Rhymes.  What fun.  Brandi is also friendly with Cedric (the nasty possible Level III) who screwed over our beloved Lisa and Ken by convincing them to let him live with them for free and basically adopt him.  Therefore, Lisa is less than thrilled with Brandi and all the other women cackle away with Kyle who is, clearly, the most insecure of them all.  I’m sure Mauricio has either already banged Brandi or will be banging Brandi by the end of the season.  Hopefully Andy Cohen gets his eyes in order and can focus long enough to ask that question.

In the end Kyle raises $15,000 for her charity and probably spent just as much on horse brushes to get through her mane on a regular basis.  In closing, Taylor may or may not crack and shatter into hundreds of pieces.  Don’t forget those vegetables on that pizza, b*tch!

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