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Real Housewives of Beaverly La(t)kes: Friends Don’t Sue Friends. Friends Just Turn a Blind Eye to Friends With Really Long Age-Inappropriate Hair.

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When I walk into a room, I OWN it!  Sorry, wrong show.  The point is, is that I’m on a 2 week vacation from work and, therefore, every day is like Saturday to me where I forgot to watch all of my favorite shows.  Either way, here’s a “lite version” of what went down last night on “No One Over 22 Has a White Party So Just Stop It…ly Hills.”

To make sure that there isn’t a trace of another race or color in Beverly Hills, Kyle and her ponytail are having a White Party in her backyard.  I hope 2 things.  (1) I hope it’s as generic as the Cinco de Mayo party and (2) I hope the majority of the crowd is too old to get their period.  Everyone appears to be really excited to attend this crapshoot with the exception of Adrienne, who is almost turning into the Gladys Kravitz of the bunch.  You see, Russell is back from the dead and has sent Camille a letter stating that he’ll pretty much sue her for spilling the beans about how he likes to play “Ike and Tina” with Taylor and her lips.  Camille is afraid to get sued by Russell because she’s trying to stay on course of never having to work an actual day in her life.  Anyclubmtv, Adrienne is all up in tinseled arms because she’s afraid to be around Russell in case he wants to try and sue her as well.  Why none of these women are nervous about the lawsuits I’ve sent them for having hair too long for their age is beyond me.  I’m pretty sure my lawsuit concluded with something along the lines of “…and I expect mom-perms by season three.”

Sidenote:  When Kyle was trying to set up for the party and came running out of her house to meet the guys unloading the trucks, did anyone notice how troll-like she looked?  How tall is she?  At one point I was like, “Why is Verne Troyer wearing a fright-wig and running out of Kyle’s house?!”  I assume he was the entertainment for the White Party, but then realized it was just the lady of the man-hands.

The White Party, like any White Party (I assume) is filled with lot of drama over nobody wanting to be around Taylor and her soon to be dirt-napped husband Russell.  Lisa Vanderfunk seems really concerned that maybe Taylor really didn’t know about the email that Russell sent Camille (from the beyooooooond!) but no one can seem to get in touch with Taylor in time to tell her not to come to the party so, lucky, for us we’re going to get to see them kicked out of the party on camera.  This makes me think it was a little lightly scripted but, who’s kidding who, do you think I have the type of life where I have anything else going on where scripted reality show scenes would bother me?  I mean, sure Kyle is letting tears fall down her face over the stress but she was an actress.  Perhaps you’ve seen her as an extra on an old episode of 90210?  Emmy-worthy.

The only person who doesn’t seem to be concerned with Taylor and Russell at all is our unsung hero, Kim.  Hip, hip, hooray!  Personally I want Bravo to play “For She’s a Jolly Good Fellow” every time Kim enters a scene.  God, if I had control over this show!  Kim seems like she’s in “good spirits” at the party, kinda like when a crack-head is in “good spirits” that their personal meth lab didn’t explode.  Yeah, that kind.  The only person  that Kim doesn’t want to run into at the party is Brandi and her leg.  So, it only makes sense that out of all the rooms in the house Kim and Brandi (and her leg) end up standing about two feet apart from each other (facing each other).  The exchange is magical.  I think Kim actually has no idea what is going on at all.   In Brandi’s defense she did just stand there, basically, and let Kim Shasta McNasty  all over her.  At one point Brandi even admitted/confirmed having a “truck driver mouth” and then proceeded to say the F-word over and over again up towards the ceiling.  It got pretty “Chris Hanson” creepy when Kim just kept on saying to Brandi, “It’s too bad a pretty girl like you, talks like that” or “I’m sorry a pretty girl like you acts like that?”  She was one more “pretty girl” away from her creeptastic boyfriend starting to get jealous.  Speaking of “the boyfriend”  when Kim introduces him to everyone they all react and hug him like they can “catch jail time.”  And you know what?  I think they can.  I. Think. They. Can.  Oh, and special shout out to the chick from Dr. Drew Sober House who stood by Brandi’s side the whole time not saying a word.  I’m sure she was there to do a full analysis on Kim and, well, I’d like to review that 75 page report.

In the end, no one can get in touch with Taylor and Russell to tell them not to come to the party so they show up at just the right time (when everyone else is already there) and just to make sure we all knew how much they were looking forward to coming to this party Taylor and Russell kept talking about it in the limo ride. In fact, they came back from Vegas early just to attend.  To make things even grosser, Taylor (out loud) says that she’s so happy they’ve forgiven each other and then they kiss.  Russell replies with “I’m a good boy now” which is code word for “I promise to only hit you with an open fist moving forward.”  Disgusting (just like this recap).  And it was strange how he kept saying that they were going to keep having fun like they did in Dallas and then Vegas.  So basically Taylor got tossed around the room in 3 different states now.  Good to have goals, I guess.  Once they show up to Kyle’s house they are met at the walkway and Kyle just starts crying saying that something bad has happened.  Way to play it cool.  They all get involved in this, but I was most proud of Adrienne who seemed to be taking a “no bullsh*t” approach to Russell and his lies.  Taylor, supposedly, had no clue about the lawsuit and while I think they were right to get them the hell out of Kyle’s house, you totally know that Taylor was going to have a horrific night at home.  Even when Taylor and Russell were back in the limo and Russell was trying to say that what Camille said was just rumors, Adrienne was like, “Yeah no, it wasn’t.”  And Paul got involved by chiming in with “I’m going with Camille on this one.” Well, now at least we can distribute the blame evenly over Russell’s death.  Oh, and did you notice when Taylor and Russell were driving back home they didn’t say a word and Russell’s hands were crossed and his fingers were purple.  Purple.  Run Taylor, run!

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