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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Can You Botox Your Tongue?

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If it’s one thing I’ve always wanted during any season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills it was to have actual intercourse with some of their houses.  Like, I’d play dippity-ding-dong with the conservatory in Lisa’s home for example.  This urge has never been more apparent than with Mohammed’s house.  Is it a house, even?  It’s more like a small country and by small, I mean large.  For real, the Olympics could be held there and you’d be able to drink the water.  That, my friends, is what I like to call a cross-reference-joke-to-a-related-topic-in-the-news.  That’s how that works.  Either way, Yolanda and her white comb-back hair head out to visit Mohammed and his girlfriend at the mansion to talk about a going away party for Gigi (not to be confused with Giggy). I love how she mentioned that typically her kids don’t like to have their parties at their dads house because they’re embarrassed about how big it is.  First off, that’s what she said.  Second of all, #1%Problems.  I mean if Gigi had the right to be embarrassed about anything it should be over the fact that her daddy looks like a tanned Mr. Burns with Bruce Jenner’s latest hairdo.  As a sidnote, whilst it’s only February 11th, I officially know what I’m going to be for Halloween this year.

Meanwhile, what is the business that Carlton’s husband actually owns?  She claims they own a “financial institution” and that they make “a ton of f*cking money” and so they’re going to have a party to invite their clients to say, “we’re not going anywhere.”  So, um…is she talking about, like, a Ponzi scheme?  Well, since her husband wears leather and gels his hair I guess we can technically call it a Fonzi scheme.  Moreover, Carlton must have decided to untuck her ding-a-ling and let her balls sway in the Beverly Hills warm breeze because she emailed Kyle (whose email address is most likely: to let her know that she is no longer invited to the Used Cars Salesman of the Year party, but Mauricio is still on the invite list.  I’m sure Carlton is about to pull another spell out of her cauldron but, to be honest, unless she’s going to have a rap-off with famed psychic medium Allison DuBois in the middle of the street to “Top That” I’m less than interested in this witch-like storyline.  Although I’d still like to make dinky jokes all the live-long-day so, Bravo, figure this out for me.

Lisa and Ken showed up nice and early and went past the long line waiting to get into Carlton’s penis party with a soft blush breeze.  I feel like when Lisa walks by you it must smell like rose petals and a new born baby’s bald head.  Here’s the thing, you can totally tell Lisa thinks that this entire deal with Carlton’s star of David is a total yawnfest…mainly because she’s saying that to Carlton.  It was nice to see Lisa defending Kyle, both to Carlton and during her one-on-one interview.  For reasons that make no sense to me, Carlton starts to tear up (and not just in that special place between her ding-ding and bum-bum).  Apparently the tears are forming because Kyle called her  antisemitic or antiperspirant or something and it brought back memories of when Carlton was younger living in South Africa and dealing with apartheid.  Now I’m not going to pretend for 2/10ths of a second that I know what that is, but it would be helpful if she stuck to topics during her present life and not pulling from any of her past lives.

Later  Kim showed up and I have to say she almost seemed a bit like the “old Kim” if ya know what I mean and I think ya do.  Look, I don’t want to see her going on a bender or anything, but a couple of shots of vodka followed by snorting some cut up Sudafed never hurt anyone.  Oh wait, it can totally hurt people.  Either way it looked like we were a few minutes away from “I’ve been here for daaaaaays, Lisa” which is also the tattoo I’m getting on my forehead this coming weekend.  She traded some jabs with Ken and Lisa about why she couldn’t go to Ken’s birthday dinner, but I’m just waiting for the episode where she calls Ken a mean old man.  Uh, he’s uber-rich.  He gets to be.  Don’t people know that large sums of money makes you better than most?

Brandi showed up apparently on stilts and was suffering from what I will now only refer to as “Cindy Brady tongue.”  For real, she could barely speak because her tongue was swollen and she almost choked to death mid conversation.  She sounded like she was busy bobbing for d*cks in in a pickle barrel and, most likely, she was.  This is the point where Brandi is basically turning on Lisa.  And she confides in Kim that Lisa is being a sneaky little minx because, well, no one is left to talk to at the party.  I’d say that Brandi was bringing up some good points, but I honestly couldn’t tell because I was trying to figure if she was stroking out on national television.

The next day, Brandi goes for a “run” with Kyle in which they both put on Spandex and a face full of makeup and just basically talk the whole time.  Brandi is still busy choking on her tongue.  I once knew a girl whose tongue got completely swollen, but she could still take steak.  That’s right, two weeks in a row!  Brandi and Kyle have a blackened heart-to-heart about how being friends with Lisa is like being friends with Bobby Fisher (shout out to a movie that came out in 1993) because she is so calculated in everything she does.  I think they’re giving Lisa a little too much credit when Brandi claims that she exiled Cedric to France (and now he can’t return to the US) and how she blew Adrienne off the map.  I think Lisa is a little too busy making her entire house pink so waste her energy on those type of shenanigans.

I hate to see Brandi turning on Lisa, but it does make me think that Lisa likes to help out the underdog and really wants some sad and pathetic people in her life that she can take care of and, in the end, feel better about herself.  This brings me to my next point which is that if she has an opening for a new pathetic friend I’d like to toss my name into the ring.  I’m the perfect fit.  I’ll totally be Lisa’s mouth-piece and simply just live in her guest room that is 17 times the size of my NYC apartment.  I will even let Giggy pleasure me if that’s what’s needed.

Two sidenotes:  (1) Hoysay exercised in this episode and (2) Yolanda became a US citizen.  NEXT!