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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Carlton is Already Over Your Sh*T

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I’m still coming down from my high of Monday after an article I wrote was published over at Haper’s BAZAAR and then later picked up by Cosmopolitan.  If you haven’t gone to those sites and Liked/Tweeted and Commented on my article, you’re dead to me.  However, thanks to all of you who have been super supportive.  Hopefully there’s more to come.  In the meantime you’re still stuck with me around here.

This is the first week where we really get a glimpse into the life of the newest housewife, Carlton.  Pretty name.  It makes me want to pick up smoking.  Carlton’s house is basically the set of where they filmed all of the Count’s scenes from Sesame Street.  I was just waiting for some green monster to pop out of a trash can.  Of course I’m referring to Taylor.  We’ll discuss that in minutes.  Carlton loves her gothic-style housing and is going to drop that she’s a witch as many times as possible during her scenes.  You know, I hate this sh*t.  Any adult who is overly obsessed with a theme is the worst thing in the world.  It’s like Mariah Carey loving everything “pink” and “butterflies.”  Stop it at once.  You’re an adult.  Stop having a clubhouse theme.  Hashtag so dumb.  Anyoz, Carlton looks pissed off on the regular and scares me twice on Sunday.  We finally get to meet her kids, Destiny, Mystery and Cross.  They all  have long hair…even the boy.  Apparently there are no rules in her castle and the everyone swears up a storm…like the kind of storm that displaced Dorothy.  You know which one.  There was a whole scene where her young children were cutting vegetables with the kind of knives that I’m sure Carlton used on her husband to get him to marry her.  It’s like, is that the knife you used to remove your penis because I’m pretty sure at some point you’ve had one.  Eh, maybe she just put a spell on her ding-dong.  Oh, and did I mention that they all love to exercise?  This includes the children who are forced to wear their Hogwarts uniforms in the “backyard” whilst running around and being timed.  And, it’s like stop God-damn f***ing swearing for Christ sakes!  Have a little class.  LuAnn would be pissed!

Later Carlton is invited over to a “lunch party” at Kyle’s house.  She’s over it before she even parks her broom at the front door.  I’m sure at some point I’ll run out of witch jokes but, guess what folks, today is not the day for that.  You can’t see me but I’m wiggling my nose right now and moving my couch.  And my crotch!  Ole!  Joyce shows up for lunch as well and is snorting her way to freedom with every joke.  I love people that think everyone is so funny when the entire time I’m looking for the correct lever to pull so that an anvil falls directly on my head and provides sweet release from this television viewing.  It’s like, we get it…you’re hot…snorting doesn’t make you relatable.  Moreover, is relatable even a word?  Because SpellCheck is calling me out, yet providing no options.  Jerks.  Kyle is telling her classic “funny stories” when suddenly a bee lands on the table and everyone gets to practice their “scared” reactions they’ve been learning at the same acting school Kristin Cavallari used to attend.  Moment of silence.  Genuflect.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  As needed.  One rando blonde chick kills the bee and Carlton looks like she’s ready to throw three frogs and the balls of a koala bear into a boiling cauldron and turn everyone into beanstalks.  I mean, I just assume that’s what witches do…besides giving out candy.  She’s seriously a miserable dumpster and is squirming so much in her chair that you know she’s trying to rearrange her junk.  It’s like, you know how terrible these woman are so why would you agree to join this show?  The conversations are going to most likely be about who said what in Hawaii and probably about names of new shoe-lines they’re creating.  You missed the season when Russell beat the eye out of Taylor so, relax, it’s quieter from there on out.

Meanwhile, at the same time Lisa is having Brandi and Yolanda over for a potential split-screen-lunch  Yolanda is fresh out of her surgery to remove something from her heart since she’s getting over Lyme disease.  She says she has “lyme brain” since she can’t seem to remember anything, but is working on puzzles so she can get back to 100%.  Well I’m glad she still agreed to do the show because if not Kim would end up looking crazier.  Also, is a side-effect of the Lyme disease (I decided to call it “the lyme disease” at a time like this) that your bleached hair be brushed up and back so you look like you’ve been zapped whilst humping an electric fence?  To be honest I think I fear Yolanda more because of her money than the witch lady.  I jest, I’m equally terrified of everyone.  Especially Cross.  I hear that Kris Kross will make you jump, jump so I can only image what just one Cross will make you do.  Perhaps, just jump.  Uh, huh.  Uh huh.  Sidenote, David Foster only went to the hospital with Yolanda because the cameras were there.  There, I said it.  If they weren’t you totally know he’d be busy blowing Barbara Streisand in Malibu…allegedly. #PianoKeys

I used to really like Brandi, but she’s kind of turning into the worst for me.  I couldn’t give 2 Shasta’s about her leased house and why there’s tile in the “dining room” and, not for nothing, but if I wanted to really listen to her read bad poetry with her mom I’d order something from the Burger King drive-thru  There’s a joke in there someone.  Eh, I’m keeping it.  However, the highlight of the entire episode (and by “episode” I mean “my life”) is watching the dog trainer head on over to Kim’s house.  I couldn’t love it any more if I tried.  And I did.  I tried really hard.  If you recall, Kim got a pitbull (Mr. Worldwide) and he needs to be trained.  The dog trainer is at the house for about 4 seconds before the dog jumps on him and then the dog trainer…wait for it…wait for it…starts freaking the F out and starts kicking, screaming and punching.  I was like, “What. The. F**k. Just. Happened.”  Truth be told, I hit rewind on my DVR 6 times.  I’m kidding.  12.  Apparently this is supposed to help train a dog and, per usual, save the hate mail because I don’t care.  No me gusta animals of any kind…so I don’t need to know.  All I know is that after this dude had his seizure, Kim got a little emotional because “he scared her.”  It’s time.  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.  I think it’s great that Kim is sober this season.  I also think it’s great that she and her dog, allegedly, share the same flee medication.  Also, the dog trainers eye-brows are probably what set the dog off in the first place.

In the end, evidently Lisa wants to get off Dancing with the Stars since she’s busy building a new gay bar with many urinals…in which Ken kept pronouncing “Ur-eye-nals” so we’re forced to watch Kyle and Kim watch DWTS in Kyle’s home-theater.  I was wondering why this was taking place until we saw Lisa faint on DWTS and then Kim and Kyle calling BS on the fainting.  Apparently they think it was fake so watched it in slow motion and then reenacted it for all of us.  Quite honestly it was some of Kim’s best work since Return from Witch Mountain.  However, it was certainly no “Voom, Voom, Shebang” or “I’m having a baby!” from last season.  Although it did rival her work in, “I’ve been here for daaaays, Lisa!”  Take a moment to stand up and slow clap, as I am right here in this very moment.  Either way, they think Lisa is faking it but I don’t think she is for two reasons:  (1).  She’s not wearing pink whilst fainting and I’m sure that’s contractually obligated and (2) I think we saw her Vanderpump when her legs were spread.  So, well, there’s that.  Either way, Kim and Kyle are as horrific as when they hid Brandi’s crutches from season 2.

P.S., did I mention Taylor was in a scene?  I mean, for real?  I don’t think they even mic’d her.  Tuna tar-tar!

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