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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: How a Rich Woman Can Go Oklahoma on Your Ass

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Hey did you guys hear that Kyle said that no one would care about Camille without Kelsey there? Well I did. I’ve been hearing it for three friggin’ weeks. The faux-fight is, of course, continuing on this week, but they’re focusing a bit more on who called Camille insecure, who said it at the airport, who said it once they were in NYC, etc. I found myself shouting at my TV, “You women are in your 40’s and 50’s. Know that!” Camille really is delusional and I got to thinking about her “rat.” Whilst it is covered, I wondered if it has wrinkles at the top of it too and kind of looks in both directions at the same time. I’m sure before 2010 is up there will be “Camille Rat Pics” surfing their way across the Internet.

Oh, and let’s have a quick chat about Kim for a second or two. I’m pretty sure she’ll be going the way of DeShawn Snow once this season is over. She’s pointless. We finally find out that when this Kelsey/Camille comment was made, Kim was actually there with Kyle but when she’s put on the spot to confirm that Kyle did not say this, she just blurts out (like Barney from The Simpson’s) “I get nervous!” Great work Kim! Now grab your slice of pizza and head on back to Witch Mountain (forever!).  Kim is so skittish.  She’s like one of those tiny little dogs that shakes and freaks out when they’re brought on a talk show and put on camera.  I’m sure when she stood up from the table there was piss and sh*t all over her chair and the leather was all torn at and ripped.  Just a guess.  You may have your own.

Once Camille awkwardly leaves the table, Kim tries to throw Taylor and her suction cup vagina lips under the bus by saying that she brought up the insecure comment at el aeropuerto.  Taylor is obviously upset by this, although I say it’s obvious yet no part of her face moves except her eyes and, well, she was doing a lot of rapid eye movements including, but not limited to, bug eyes, eyes to the left, eyes to the right, and then bug eyes again.  That’s a lot for Taylor.  I’m surprised with all that facial movement people weren’t handing her orange slices and little cups of water to dump over her head and then wrapping her in one of those tinfoil capes.  But I digress.  Taylor ends her argument with Kim (in what I’m pretty sure was a dubbed in threat) by saying, “I’m about to go all Oklahoma on your ass.”  So, uh, she’s going to have intercourse with her brother in a barn?  That’s what that means, right?

Kyle has man-hands.  She has those Paris Hilton man hands.  Or Paris has Kyle’s man hands.  Either way, the man hands are hereditary.  That is all.

You know who hates her husband?  Adrienne Maloof.  I love it.  I actually really like her, but you know what I like more?  Her house.  Literally, I’m attracted to her house.  I don’t want to have sex in every room of her house I want to have sex with every room of her house.  Basically I want to bang the bookcase and little golden trinkets scattered about.  Was that not clear?

The middle of this crapisode was pretty much a yawnfest.  Kyle and Lisa go to try on clothes for Kelsey’s sh*tty play and Camille gets her hair and makeup done for said play.  Although, this is the first time we hear Camille talking about her and Kelsey no longer using Kyle’s husband as their realtor…due to the fight.  That’s mature.  Know why I almost feel bad for Camille?  Because soon enough no one really is going to care about her once she is no longer Kelsey’s wife and, well, time-is-a-ticking.  She should totally start dating Grandpa Situation and hike her ass down to the Jersey Shore.

Whilst the women are away the husbands are left to take care of the kids.  For Kyle’s husband this seems to be no problem as he is actually alive and has emotions.  For Taylor’s husband, not so much.  First off, someone call the Diddle Police because this guy looks like he has to introduce himself to his neighbors…by law.  Second off, the daughter looks like she actually can’t stand him, which is kind of true because when she’s throwing a fit under the kitchen table she actually says to him, “I don’t like you.”  She’s a smart girl.  I second that.

Is it just me or are we thinking that Adrienne is going to divorce her husband and at the same time Taylor’s husband is going to divorce her?  The only marriage that seems safe is Lisa Pumpernickel’s and maybe Kyle’s (for now).  Let’s just hope the cameras are rolling during those difficult times.  I think it’s going to be interesting to see Taylor living in a 1 bedroom condo!  She’ll be recording “Tardy for the Party: Part II” before you know it.

In the end all the girls head to the play and then things get really awkward when the play ends and Camille goes backstage to see Kelsey, as you can totally tell that he wants nothing to do with her.  She’s in there for two seconds and Kelsey is like, “Oh I have to get dressed I’ll see you in a while.”  He’s literally rushing her the hell out of there (I’m sure the mistress is hiding in the pile of clothes on the floor) yet Camille just strangely stands at the door.  I actually felt bad for her for a second, but then I thought about her wonky-eyed rat and, well, stopped.

A few last minute notable laughs was once they were back in Beaver-ly Hills it took Adrienne 15 minutes to walk from her house and across the street to Lisa’s house.  God damn these people are so filthy rich!  Lisa should have sent Jiggy over and Adrienne could have ridden him across the street to save time.  And finally, Camille gives us a last few seconds of crazy when she tells her friend that Kelsey no longer wants to use Kyle’s husband as their realtor because of what Kyle did to her.  Yeah, I’m sure Kelsey doesn’t even know who his realtor is.  Camille tries to explain the “pecking order” of the A-list status of Kelsey vs. Kyle’s real-estate husband.   Oh, and she also says that Kyle behaved like a “crazy homeless women” whilst in New York.  Awesome.  As much as I want to throw my beer at my TV when Camille says this stuff, I’m grateful she is crazier than a sh*t-house rat because she does, sadly, bring some extra life to this show.

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