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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: I Want Kim’s Voicemail to Be the Soundtrack of My Life

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Attention everybody, Kennedy has received a horse.  Sorry, I know that’s off topic, but I forgot to mention that little gem from a few episodes ago and, well, it plays in a loop in my head on the regular.  In fact, I’ve made it my alarm clock in the morning:  Kennedy has received a horse.  Brilliant.  Moving on.  Things are kicked off with Taylor having lunch with Lisa and sporting brand new eyebrows.  Remember that episode where Joey shaved off his eyebrow so they just drew it back in with a Sharpie?  Yeah, well, same/same.  I got an emergency text message from my sister stating, and I quote, “So is everyone just going to act like her eyebrows don’t really look like that?”  Well that is exactly what happened.  My guess is that Taylor was making Russell’s kids Pop Tarts and didn’t put a vegetable on it and so he just bit them off.  And, since it was “art day” Kennedy got to color them in via her Crayola art station.  I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before her jaw is replaced with moon sand. Taylor informs Lisa that she doesn’t remember what happened at Brandi’s party in Malibu because she had too much to drink.  Luckily, Bravo plays it 10 times a day and 25 times on the weekend so I’m sure that Taylor can quickly catch up on her behavior.  It’s not fair!  It’s not fair!  Get her over here!  I don’t need Bravo trying to combat me.  It’s not fair!  P.S You totally know Russell’s job in hell is to add the vegetables to all the pizza orders.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a scene (see what I did there?) with Adrienne and Paul in which they’re having an actual conversation with each other.  No joke, they just fight the whole time.  This time around they’re fighting on their way to the set of The Doctors, a show that apparently is still being aired in obscure parts of the country where they air episodes of The Walton’s before and after each The Doctors episode.  Yeah, take that Doctors and obscure parts of the country.  Waah!  There’s not much to say about their appearance except the fact that Adrienne is the shiniest person in all of television.  As a sidenote, Lisa is the blushiest person in all the land.

Other dumb crap takes place like Kyle and the Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick  head out to some random chandelier store where I believe you can rent them for parties.  It’s kind of like Pinata’s for really rich adults.  In a scene that I believe may or may not have been staged, suddenly there is this “special chandelier” that Faye needs to look at in the back and then suddenly…wait for it…wait for it…wait for it…she drops the chandelier and it smashes on the ground all whilst Kyle gets to make some really surprised faces.  It’s like an episode of I Love Lucy if Lucy had the hair of a 16 year old and, you know, the show wasn’t funny at all.  Meanwhile Lauren Manzo Pandorka (high-five to the 5th grade joke) is trying on wedding dresses that cost more than your down payment on your 2×4 house.  Lisa is dressed for a dinner at the White House to watch this event and she even brought Giggy who was dressed in infant pajamas and kept falling all over the couch whilst waiting for this dress-train-wreck to end.  Pandorka “simply loves” all the dresses that she tries on, but Lisa thinks she should stick with her first wish, which was a white dress with diamonds all over it and pink flowers going down the train.  Any chance they can reverse that and the train can go down on her? Or, better yet, can the train run over me because I’m ready to meet Jesus instead of watching Busted Teeth live out her princess dream.

As a sidenote, Kyle can’t make it to Vegas with the rest of the “ladies” because she has a photoshoot for the book that she’s written.  So if you want to learn the secrets of how to get man-hands or grow your hair like the tail of Kennedy’s horse at any age, boy does Kyle have the page-turner for you!  Seriously, hatred.  Either way, the silver lining in all of this is the fact that Kyle calls Kim to see if she wants to stop by the photo shoot, but she can’t seem to get in touch with her. Here’s why I love Kim:  Bat Sh*t Crazy.  Kim’s actual outgoing voicemail message consists of her saying that she can’t take your call right now…and then suddenly goes into, “I lost all my contacts so please leave your contact information” and then suddenly takes a sharp left turn and she states that she doesn’t listen to her voicemails.  Brilliant.  She was one more drink away from a rendition of Jimmy Crack Corn that would make grown men cry.  Most people are glad that Kim has entered rehab, but I’m not.  I’m keeping a candle lit that she busts out of that place STAT!  Later Adrienne calls Kim from Vegas to see if she’s coming on the trip, but Kim mentions she can’t make it because, you guessed it, she’s moving and she moves her own tables and can’t move her neck to the left or right.  Adrienne basically just hangs up on her mid jumbled sentence.  Sweet.  And how long does this damn move take?  Eh, I guess the bags of Cheeto’s and Witch Mountain Bobble-Heads aren’t going to unpack themselves!

Kyle’s photo shoot was everything that I dreamed of and less.  It consists of Kyle’s hair down one side of her shoulder and sitting on her kitchen table with her dirty man-feet and some rabid dog licking cheese off the corner of it.  Gross.  And the photographer almost busts a nut when the dog can eat cheese from the corner because he’s like, “Oh here’s our shot!”  Even Kyle’s little daughter (whose name I know, but can’t spell, and I’m too lazy to Google it) looks like she wants to spray down that table with Lysol.  Personally I think she would have sold more copies of her book if the cover had been a picture of Kyle doing splits on Estrella’s new face.  But that’s just me and, well, I’m a visionary.

The rest of this crapisode, to be honest, was a bore and a whore all at the same time.  All the rest of the ladies were in Vegas on separate trips.  Lisa and Taylor were with Pandorka and her snooze-fest British friends who look like they’d rather make gimp bracelets than have a real drink.  Meanwhile, Adrienne got the B-team with Brandi, Camille, Dana, and D.D.  I mean, I would just cancel the trip.  Everyone is losing their mind over the fact that their Palm’s Hotel (plug, plug, plug, hash-tag, hash-tag, hash-tag) room has a bowling alley in it!  Awesome!  I’m kidding, that would get boring after 10 minutes.  Plus, shut up because I’m trying to sleep.  Camille is trying to bowl “sexy” but her grandmother arms and slip are disagreeing with her.  Meanwhile, Brandi looks like she’s just trying to pregnant from bowling.  What fun.  Over at the other Vegas party Lisa, Taylor, and “the girls” are going to Chip-n-Dales to watch steroids bounce.  Seriously, when did this show turn into an episode of NYPD Blue?  Can you just show ass at 9:00 now?  Where’s the disclaimer?  What if Brandi’s kids were watching?  Speaking of which, who the hell is watching them?  Brandi is either traveling, drunk, or traveling drunk.  Not that I care at all, but be a mom…trash boot.  The one saving grace from all of these scenes was all that middle-aged-mom-sexy-dancing that took place between Camille, Brandi, and even Adrienne in the background.  Camille and Brandi were giving it a go with that whole “Woo hoo we’re pretending we’re lesbians and grinding with each other” all whilst Adrienne was in the background doing the classic, “Your Drunk Aunt at a Wedding Dancing to ‘Celebration’.”  And, well, she nailed it.  I mean, celebrate good times come on!

In the end, Kyle heads out with Estrella to buy a white dress for Kyle’s racist White Party and randomly we learn that Kim was just hanging out next door. She’s probably pan-handling for buttons.  What?  Meth makes you confused between buttons and coins.  What’s even crazier is that when Kim walks into the store she quickly says to Kyle that she doesn’t want to talk to Estrella.  Seriously, what?  I love Kim.  I want to live in a world where there are only television shows about Kim on every channel all the live-long-day.  You totally know that Estrella must have some good dirt on Kim.  Although I’m not sure how Kim even recognized Estrella with her new face!  Please reread that last sentence, but add a sarcastic overtone.  Thank you.  The last few minutes consist of Kim having a breakdown where she cries in Kyle’s lap over the fact that everyone, including her own kids, think her boyfriend (Obese Mr. Bean) is an a-hole.  I actually felt bad for Kim because even if she was on a meth binge she actually seems really lonely and lost.  Maybe she would feel better if she called Estrella a slut-pig?  I know I would.

Wanna leave your contact info on my voicemail?  Join me on my Facebook page…or Tweet me @BravoAndy…oh wait.  No, just join me on Facebook.

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