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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: If You Can’t Be My Friend, Please Just Don’t Be British

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Being George Glass – This must be the crapisode where everyone cries (tears of diamonds).  We kick things off where we left off last week in which Kim is springing her new boyfriend of 1 year, George Glass, to her man-hands sister, Kyle.  Kyle seemed to really handle it well since, you know, she kept on crying and putting her sunglasses on and then seconds later taking them off.  That doesn’t make you look crazy at all and, trust me, I know me some crazy (glue, that is).  Once Kyle finally met George Glass (who I believe is just an obese version of Mr. Bean) she didn’t make the situation awkward at all by grilling him on what she thought was a wedding ring.  Since Kim is only 14 years old she explained that it’s a promise ring.  I sure do hope he ends up pinning her at the doo-wop dance this Friday night after finals.  Swoon.

Couples Who Hate Each Other, Dine Together – My favorite couple on planet Earth, Adrienne and Paul, are out celebrating Paul’s birthday at some fancy-pants restaurant.  At first things seems to be going well, but then Paul tries to possibly order Adrienne’s dinner selection and she looks like she’s about to taser the goatee right off Paul’s face.  I’m also loving the fact that Adrienne is keeping up her prom dress style on the regular.  Instead of the tinsel in her hair, for Paul’s birthday she should have added colorful streamers in the front and sides, a small pinata on the back and, of course, balloons scattered about the free spaces.  That goes without saying.  Oh, and this is the first time anyone is inferring that Russell beat the bag out of Taylor on the regular.  Interesting.  When’s the tea party fight?!

Um, What Is Russell Doing Here? – It is just me or do you always look over your shoulder and under your couch when Russell enters the scene?  No joke, I’m even wondering if everyone can see him or is it just me?!  Apparently Taylor is up for some award for charity (?) or something and everyone is going to be in attendance except poor little Lisa Vandersauce.  I hate why they’re all still trying to Jill Zarinize our little Lisa this season.  Leave her the hell alone.  If they’re going to try and destroy anyone it should be, of course, Pandora.  I jest.  They can do that to “Pam” any day of the week.  I’m fine with that.  Anypointlesscastmembers, it was kind of funny how we learned that Lisa wasn’t invited and that was, of course, by Lisa randomly calling Kyle all whilst Kyle was in the hotel for Taylor’s event and looking for everyone else.  Kyle answers her phone and is like, “Where are you?  Are you at the hotel yet?  I can’t find anyone!”  and Lisa sounded baffled and kind of devastated that she was the only one not invited.  And this was after Lisa had invited Taylor to her daughters $1 trillion dollar engagement party at that $4 trillion dollar home.  In the words of one Ms. Stephanie Tanner, “how rude!”  Spoiler Alert:  Taylor didn’t win in her category and something tells me she had to say she ran into the door again when at home.  Either way, I hope she enjoyed that year supply of Rice-A-Roni.

Enter The Tea Party – The rest of the episode, no joke, consists of Lisa Vanderfunk’s tea party…from hell.  Hooray!  I never know why Lisa’s house always looks like the lighting that is typically around Barbara Walter’s in any interview that she does.  There’s always this pinkish hue around everything and I have a funny feeling that it smells like bag of potpourri like the one your parents used to put in the ashtray of their car and, well, don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.  Anypump, Lisa is running a tight ship at this hazy tea party and in fact she is giving specific orders to her maid about when she can and can’t be seen in the room that all the ladies will be sitting in.  If I was following the instructions correctly it’s only to clean up the dishes and if she hears Lisa yelling.  Um, ok?

All the food at Lisa’s tea party is pink.  She’s like frigging Mariah Carey with the color obsession.  It’s like, if you’re not a 13 year old girl anymore stop having favorite colors and then sticking to that color theme for your entire adult life.  It’s creepy.  Everyone arrives at Lisa’s and like a kid thinking he heard Santa and his reindeer on the roof, Lisa literally runs outside to see if her friends are there and, well, they are.  Well, Kim’s not there because she’s claiming she’s still moving…to Mars.

Once everyone arrives it isn’t long before Taylor starts shaking and crying and confronting Lisa by telling her that she had been so mean to her and always says that they’re not friends.  This whole scene was kind of crazy.  I’m all for the drama but I’m stick to death of Taylor crying.  Literally that is all she does and it always surprises me each time how much her mouth stretches.  Every. Single. Time. And clearly “You said I’m not your friend” is the new “I know what you said in Hawaii.”  That should have been the drinking game this week for sure.  And honestly, Lisa looked like she didn’t really give two Shasta McNasty’s over this anyway.  What really had me laughing was when Taylor starts saying that Lisa has a huge ego this year and then calls her out for having her own picture as the background on her iPad.  So, of course, during Lisa’s one-on-one interview she shows her iPad and it is of herself with Jiggy.  I laughed out loud or “LOL’d” like “the kids” say via text messages on their “smartphones.”  Something tells me that Adrienne’s iPad background is probably tinsel draped over $315,000 stacks of cash.  Either that or it’s a picture of Paul with one of those big “no smoking” signs right over his face.

Speaking of Paul, at one point Taylor storms out of the tea party and runs into Paul who is just lurking on the outside of Lisa’s gate and tells Taylor that he’s looking for Adrienne.  They end up talking for a while about what everyone really thinks of Lisa through the gate like she’s visiting someone in prison.  Meanwhile back inside everyone starts discussing Russell beating the lips off of Taylor and think they may finally confront her about that.  Kyle keeps saying she never saw it with her own eyes so she can’t judge it until she sees it.  Uh, typically Russell probably won’t invite Kyle over to watch him strike Taylor.  Imagine?  He calls her and is like, “Hey Kyle, it’s Russell.  How are you?  Nice day today isn’t it?  I was just calling because I’m planning on slamming Taylor’s head against the stove for cooking my daughter a pizza without a vegetable on it so, well, I was just wondering if you weren’t busy would you like to come over and watch that?  Oh cool!  Just bring yourself.  See you in a few.”  That’s how I imagine it would go at least.

In the end, Taylor comes back to the tea party and we end things with Camille, out of nowhere,  telling Taylor that they’ve all been protecting her this whole time.  Taylor keeps playing dumb (?) pretending she doesn’t know what she’s talking about and then Camille comes out with, “We don’t say that he beats you…and now we’ve said it.”  It is basically just crickets at that point and Taylor looks like she’s been hit with an uppercut.  It’s sad and scary to be honest and I feel really bad about the whole thing.  By saying that do you think I’m a nicer person?  Let me know what you think about the latkes.

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