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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: The One Where Even Camille’s Wonktastic Eye Can’t See Her Own Divorce in the Horizon

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Bravo to Bravo for making the right decision and moving RHOBH to 9pm so that I could watch that and Jersey Shore at 10:00 without any trouble at all.  Sure I have a DVR, but I’m not an animal.  I want to watch it live with the rest of America (east coast only).  Anyeyelifts, while many things may or may not have gone down during last nights crapisode, here are the top 3 things that I’d like to discuss.  Walk with me, will you?

1.  Friggin Witch Mountain – Kim is actually doing a phone interview with Radio Disney to talk about, you guessed it, her role in Witch Mountain (drink!).  Really?  This is a needed interview?  First off, who’s listening to Radio Disney and second who is really on the edge of their seat waiting to hear what the girl who was in Witch Mountain 3 decades ago is up to today?  Apparently Kim thinks that people are loving her as she gives a “shout out” to all of her Disney fans and lets us know that many people have named their children after her.  Really?  They have?  So there’s a bunch of kids called Dumb Bitch running around out there in society?  Interesting.  It’s time to come down the mountain, Kim.  It’s time to come down the god-damn mountain.  Pretend you’re Old Suzanna, ok?

2.  Dr. Estrella (which is Spanish for “Dr. Estrella”) – If you ever wanted to see what Kyle’s husband, Maurico, looks like dressed as a woman and sporting an authentic Kim Zolciak fright wig, well, let’s introduce Dr Estrella.  She is technically not Maurico, but his mom instead.  Ole!  She’s attending the graduation dinner of Kyle’s daughter from her first marriage (to some dude who I can only assume is a Level II) and she gets stuck sitting next to Adrienne and Paul, the couple who hate each other equally on camera as they do off.  Apparently Dr. Estrealla is a psychologist and marriage counselor so it only makes sense that Adrienne ask her for some free advice on their marriage in which the wheels are slowly falling off.  Luckily Taylor is sitting within ear shot and looks as if she’s taking copious notes on the free marriage advice as she too appears to have a heart filled with hate for her very own Level III life partner, Russell.  Here’s the thing, Dr Estrella ends up telling Adrienne that she needs to change things up more in her marriage and is full of excuses.  I’m sorry, come again?  You do NOT tell a billionaire that anything they do is wrong or not good.  You only tell a billionaire that they are perfect as that increases the chances that they like you and will one day just hand over large sums of money to you.  Duh!  To make the conversation even more awkward, Paul ends up telling Dr Estrella how some simple plastic surgery can fix her face.  That’s sweet.  They can talk about cutting open her face to make her look better, but no one will tell any of these women that their hair is 15 inches to long for their age?

3. Camille’s Looming Divorce – We learn about the divorce (even though we’ve all know for a good 4 month) as Camille explains to “The America” that Kelsey called in the middle of the night to say he wants out of the marriage.  Camille seems shocked, but even with her wonky eye you’d think she’d still be able to see this coming from a mile away.  I mean even Mr Magoo would be like “bitch, Frasier is dumping your ass for Lilith before the season is over.”  I’m kidding.  Mr. Magoo would never say the word “bitch.”

To make things even more awkward (more awkward than Camille’s male friend who is actually wearing the official Dunkin Donuts company colors as a sweater) Kelsey wants Camille to truck her arse across the country and go to the Tony Awards with her and perhaps have a nice romantic weekend and just “see what happens.”  If I were her I would have been downing a bottle a pre-natal vitamins, puked up some birth control, brought some pins for his condoms (if needed) and did an Indian rain dance in hopes of getting just one more kid out of the deal as a way to up the anty in the divorce settlement.  I mean, I say all these things but I an sans “the vag.”  I feel like I need to clear this up as I recently got an email from a reader letting me know they thought I was a black woman the whole time. Somewhere inhaling a pot of Mac-n-Cheese on a cloud in Heaven, Nell Carter is beaming with pride.

All of Camille’s friends know that something is wrong…but she can’t tell them…but they kind of know…but she says that things aren’t good right now…but she can’t tell them right now…but she can tell them soon…but it has to do with Kelsey…but she can’t tell them…but she’s been sick to her stomach with stress and lost a bunch of weight…but she can’t tell them today…but soon…soon, she says, everyone will know.  Hmmm I wonder what it could be?  Maybe she’s going to the doctor to get a ding-dong attached to her “gentlemen greeter” bone so that she can plow her husband whilst he dresses up in her underwear?  One may never know.

In the end, Camille does go to the Tony Awards in NYC, but Kelsey decided to put her up in a hotel room and will not allow her to stay in their actual New York apartment.  Just as Camille is deciding what dumb dress she should wear Kelsey shows up to the hotel room and, I have to admit, it seemed like he was kind of slurring his words a bit.  I mean, maybe his “new wife” lets him drink.  Really, who doesn’t want to wake up in a dumpster once in a while?  It really keeps things fresh and, shall we say, exotic! And, not for nothing, why is he here on camera?  Did he think that she wasn’t going to be talking about her marriage ending?

The “happy marriage show” continues with Camille kissing Kelsey on the cheek and telling him that she loves him and him responding that he loves her too.  Yeah.  No.  Then the entire hotel room all has a toast of champagne and “cheers” (pun intended, but only after I wrote it) to “love.”  They all cheers to love and then Camille ends it with “Yes, 13 years of marriage” and in that one split second you could see on Kelsey’s face that he was scanning the room looking for a piece of luggage big enough to stuff her in and toss off the Brooklyn Bridge.  However, the MOST important thing in this scene was woman standing directly next to Camille who was 100% orange and literally staring at Camille like she could make her head catch fire.  Who is she?  What is she?  And why?  Cheers!  Norm!

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