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RHOBH: Because You Always Take a Bath in Front of Your Friends

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If you’re pressed for time let me take you through this recap in two short statements: (1)  Discussions about Lisa fainting takes up 43 minutes and (2) Carlton may be a lesbian and a witch, but may not be a lesbian witch.  For those of you who have more time on your hands, let’s get into it.

Brandi is contemplating breaking up with her reality show boyfriend because talking about her ex husband and Leanne Rimes for another 6 seasons makes me want to break my own legs and then have Kim steal my crutches after she does meth in the bathroom. However breaking up with your significant other is really a big decision and one that requires you to invite your friend over from Sober House and then take off all your clothes and get into a shallow bathtub while said friend watches along with a camera crew and a boom mic operator.  I remember when I was trying to decide what college to go to.  I called everyone to come over and then immediately filled up the tub with Mr Bubbles. Ironically, Mr Bubbles is also the name of my junk.  The More You Know (cue shooting star).  Making decisions any other way is just pointless.  I do, however, have to rate the bathtub scene as less awkward than the time Tamra got into the bathtub with Eddie and his severe under-bite.  But feel free to rate these scenes any which way you like.  I mean, I’m not the police.  Either way, the tub must have really helped because Brandi decided to break up with her “boyfriend” on camera at a restaurant and then got drunk and forced him to drive her home where she most likely did it in the tub.  And by “tub” I, of course, mean “bum.”  I think Brandi needs to hold out for a nice guy, you know, like George Zimmerman.  That’s right folks, I just got political again.  I believe that’s two weeks in a row.  You’re welcome.  Hashtag Debt Ceiling, Hashtag Obamacare, Hashtag Filibuster.

As a sidenote Yolanda’s daughter, Gigi, is moving to NYC so I believe this is my chance to buddy up with her, get invited to Yolanda’s house is Malibu and then achieve my ultimate goal which may or may not consist of sexual intercourse with her lemon trees.  I’m kidding.  I’d only do it with one lemon tree…not multiple.  I’m not a pig or nothin’.

Meanwhile, the rest of the episode consists of all the “girls” making their way to Carlton’s house that looks like a castle.  I’m already over it.  You know how whenever you and your friends all meet up to go to a friends house for dinner you all take a limo there?  Yeah, well this too consisted of a limo ride and the conversation was riveting.  All the girls squealed with delight over such topics as “raising dogs” and “last night my dog had diarrhea and sh*t all over my 5 year old daughters bathroom.”  It was truly a magical moment.  I’m sure when Christopher Columbus invented the first television on the Santa Maria this is what he hoped would one day turn into programming. Also, I went to a poor school so Chris may not have invented television, but we were sharing 1 book with 30 students so the lessons may have gotten mixed up from time to time.  On the plus side we all learned how to shame the girl who got her period at her desk in 5th grade during “Spelling” by our nun who was angrily staring at her whilst giving the sign of the cross, so I’d think it would be careless of me to say my childhood education wasn’t fulfilling.  Seriously though, there was a better education program on Little House on the Prairie, which I believe Kim or Kyle guest-starred in an episode or two.  Perhaps the one where the rabid horse kicks the sight out of the nameless little girl.  I’ll have to look it up.

Back to the limo.  Everyone is making fun of Lisa (because she isn’t there) over the whole idea that she may have faked her fainting scene on Dancing With the Stars.  For real, who cares?  She’s rich and we all know that rich people shouldn’t have to tell the truth.  Save that rule for us poors.  In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s a law that if you’re rich can lie religiously.  It’s similar to the law that says if you’re a famous athlete you’re allowed to kill people.  Either way, Kyle is the most critical but you know it’s just because she’s jealous that the only reality “star” competition that wanted her consisted of Louie Anderson scooting to the edge of a diving board and then hurling himself off like a seal entering captivity.  I mean, it was a pretty great show but still.  Oh I almost forgot.  Joyce is in this show.  And whilst she has contributed barely anything, we did learn that she started the “Queen of the Universe” pageant.  So, well, there’s that.  Hopefully she has a murderous past or something because if she keeps this up she’ll be going the way of Quinn from that one season of Real Housewives of Orange County.  You remember?  The fat chick who wore wigs and blew strangers.  Yeah, her.

Everyone finally makes it to Carlton’s house, which looks as cold as a witch’s crotch.  Allegedly.  Don’t sue me Glinda!  The best part, however, was all those creepy dolls that Kim was freaked out by.  She thinks that they’re going to “wake up” in the middle of the night and start stammering around the house trying to kill people.  Uh, yeah, Kim…that’s the same exact way your kids felt about you during the first two seasons.  Too soon? It’s never too soon.  I actually like Kim this season.  I said that because I felt bad about that last joke I just wrote.  Meanwhile, Carlton is kind of the worst.  She’s trying to be edgy by letting us know that she surrounds herself with beautiful women and only wants hot women to nanny her son.  Unless you have a hidden drug problem, you’re kinda losing us Carlton.  Don’t get me wrong, a lez-witch is a cool storyline but I’m pretty sure they already did that on Glee.  I have no idea.  Is Glee still the show that tries to convince people that Lea Michelle is hot in real life?  It’s tough to keep up.

In the end, all the women are enjoying their dinner of God knows what all whilst Brandi swears and introduces everyone to the C-word.  Not “class” the other one.  After the heat was finally turned off of Lisa and that pesky fainting scandal it only made sense that Brandi bring up the rumors of Mauricio (or “Maurice” as Kim likes to call him) cheating on not only Kyle, but Kyle’s man-hands as well.  It was like a 2 for 1.  Kyle fought back the tears, claiming it wasn’t true but then in the protection of her 1 on 1 interview for the show she told everyone to go F themselves.  I bet she’s regretting that 2nd grade joke asking Carlton if she was a good witch or a bad witch.  Save talk like that for the Chamber of Commerce meetings that you’ll likely never attend.

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