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RHOBH Recap: All About Kim’s Wiener

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Everybody loves a comeback story, especially starring Kim’s wiener taking a ride first class up to witch mountain.  This week we get to sit a spell (not to be confused with Speak-n-Spell) and watch the Richard sisters get their gentlemen greeters waxed whilst holding a wide variety of dildos because, well, Russell killed himself two seasons ago and there’s not really much more to cover.  As if things can’t get more odd, Kim and Kyle have a lengthy discussion over what they call their vagina.  Kim calls hers a “wiener” as we can all just assume she was tossing back a 6’er of Zima  during sex ed class on the set.  Kyle, on the other man-hand, calls her vagina her “tweeter.”  Of course Kyle squeals with delight over her own joke and does that odd grin during her one on one interview that typically forces me to get my citizenship paperwork together so I can turn it in and move to Tajikistan where they can hate me for simply being a lazy American and not a rich-reality-show-watching American.  There’s a difference.  Don’t just pretend you know what I mean, act like one.  Wait what?  Either way, Kyle gets on her back, lifts her dress up and spreads her legs so we can all catch of glimpse of what it looked like when Maurice (io) impregnated her yesteryear.  I joke.  She was, of course, on her stomach so she could more easily update her Top 8 on Myspace and do sex all at the same time.  Efficient.  You know, not for nothing, but with all the talk about waxing Kyle’s most interesting part of her personality, no one even hinted that she should also wax off 72 inches of hair on the top of her head.  I mean, now was the chance.  Such a missed opportunity.  As a sidenote, when the waxer mentioned she should get the “hair in her nose” waxed I legit thought that was a cutesy way to reference the space between her woo-woo and bum-bum but, no, she literally meant her nose.  Bottom line, she should just grow out her beav and eventually just comb it up to the ends of her head-hair so that she turns into a human hammock.  I haven’t worked out the logistics yet, but you know what I’m getting at.

How many episodes of this show have we seen where the “women” take a pole-dancing class?  Yawn.  Carlton showed up drunk/more interesting and slurred her way up and down that pole all whilst flirting with that blond nanny chick.  We get it, you both vacuum each others carpet.  Yawn again.  Plus, watching Carlton strip down into little boy briefs and try to sexy-walk her way over to the pole is about as enticing as seeing your grandmother’s bloomers after she drinks too much at a family wedding and falls on the dance floor while still trying to learn the Electric Slide.  Just me?  Moving on.

Per usual Kim is an emotional roller-coaster for the remainder of the episode.  She’s having a graduation party for one of her 16 daughters (I honestly have no clue how many kids she has) at her house and I believe it’s a luau theme.  Hashtag original.  Of course this means that Joyce is showing up with a mix of flowers and 4 pineapples glued to her head because if it’s one thing pageant girls are good at it’s being subtle and dressing up like a mannequin from the It’s a Small World ride at Disney World.   Carlton and Brandi are busy eating hamburgers from a truck on Kim’s front stairs and Brandi is burping, sweating and ready to vomit.  Carlton is ready to tie one on, especially because she did a good tuck job and wants to start pounding booze.  Sadly, Kim’s house is sans alcohol because even the slightest smell of minty fresh breath will send Kim running to her bathroom to chug a bottle of Scope.  Allegedly.  She’s the Kitty Dukakis of our generation.  Ole!  Brandi ends up puking and Kim ends up crying over a 1999 slide show that showed her daughter growing up…as well as the old noses of Kim, which was really nice to see.  It brought a tear to my eye and a little bit of throw up to my throat.

Later, Lisa is having all the girls over (except Yolanda because she is MIA this entire crapisode) so that they can donate some dresses to a charity that Lisa is a part of.  Apparently there are foster girls who are in need of Prom dresses so somewhere in the projects there are girls sporting $25,000 gowns and taking the bus to their Prom.   Beep beep!  You’d think this would be an easy-breezy day at Lisa’s especially since it’s legit over breakfast.  However, the hot mess that is Kim Richards is on a bend about Lisa not showing up to her daughters graduation party in her backyard with plastic flowers.  Lisa claims she was in Missouri, but Kim keeps saying that her hairdresser spotted her at SUR.  After 5 minutes of Kim repeating, “but my hairdresser saw you at SUR” Lisa confesses that she went to SUR after she got back from Missouri.  For real who cares?  If I were Lisa I would have been like, “Who are you, who is your daughter, and tell me my middle name.”  If she could answer any of those questions then she had the right to be mad.  If not, move on.  Suddenly Ken chimes in that Kim has missed many of their events in the past and Kim freaks the F out letting Ken know that what he said was uncalled for and he was just being mean.  I had my Bingo dabber ready because I was CERTAIN the word “bully”  was going to be thrown out.  Sadly it wasn’t, but Kim was trying to confront Ken about this and he honestly couldn’t have cared less.  Poor Kim (literally).  She’s desperate to get a storyline outside of her dog…which I was curious to see what he was up to this week.  Maybe he’s out of town with Yolanda?  Probably.

In the end, Brandi and Joyce have it out again over racism, bullying, and alcoholism.  For real, I can’t with these two.  It’s like watching two porn stars trying to explain Obamacare.

Oh and have I mentioned that I have another article written for Harper’s BAZZAR?  This time they asked me my take on fur coats and I may or may not have ended it with a subtle message to Andy Cohen.  Help me sellout and go check out that article and comment/share/like/tweet/blah it.  Thanks y’all and you all!