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RHOBH Recap: From Turtles to Iguanas to, One Day, Pills Again

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Grab the tissues…and try to choke yourself with them because this episode of Real Housewives where Yolanda’s daughter and Kim’s daughter go off to college make me want to take a dirt-nap immediately, if not sooner.  Things kick off with Day 27 of the Puerto Rico trip.  Everyone is wondering where Lisa has gone since there is significantly less pink around the table and in their lives.  Apparently at 4:30 AM Lisa and Ken called a cab and took the first plane out of Joyce’s backyard.  They didn’t want to feel faux-ganged up on by the rest of these women, who really all look like a fresh morning dew…on a brand new day.  I don’t blame Lisa and Ken one bit and applaud them calling bull-sh*t on all these semi-scripted shenanigans.  I say that only in the unlikely event that they’re reading this here recap and want to invite me to their house for the weekend (in which I’ll pay my own way there and back and promise not to steal anything…except their hearts).

While Lisa is away the rest of the women play and have a grand old time.  This includes looking overly sweaty in all of their scenes with frizzed out hair and hundreds of thousands of pounds of makeup running off their face.  I’m sure all of America (and some awkward parts of Canada) cheered when Brandi and Kim were “soberly” swimming in the public fountain and being chased away by the police.  Equals cheers were yelled when we got to witness Kim falling madly in love with a wild iguana and taking about 10 minutes worth of pictures with said animal like she was going to that pesky Prom she never got to attend and never stops talking about.  I’m really pulling for these two!  I mean, if she could last a year with Ken from 2 seasons ago, surely she can make it work with the iguana.  Plus, you totally know that iguana can crush pulls and kill a 6’er of Zima just like Momma.

Meanwhile back on the mainland Lisa decides to shoot some scenes with Carlton and Carlton’s hideaway penis since there is really no one left that she likes.  I’m sure she’d trade lines with Adriene’s hair tinsel if she could right now.  I felt bad when Lisa was crying over the fact that she feels like everyone has turned on her and ganged up on her.  Well, I didn’t feel as much bad as I did embarrassed due to all the tears.  I’m not sure I saw any tears actually fall, but the way her face was able to bust through the Botox to convey “sadness” really made me a believer.  I thought it was a nice touch that Carlton pulled out her dingle-dongle and used it to dry Lisa’s face.  Just when you think Carlton isn’t relatable, she does that.

I like how the editing machine must have rusted shut at Bravo because next thing you know everyone else is back from Puerto Rico (or Puuuerrrrillo as Kim likes to say) without any transition whatsoever.  It only makes sense that we witness Kyle taking her young daughters to get their ears pierced and freaking the F out on national television like snipers are shooting at them from the rooftop.  Sophia handled it better than the older one.  I’m blanking on her name.  In fact, I’m not even sure that the little one is named Sophia.  Per usual, feel free to call them both Schecky Gonzalez if you’d like.  I mean, I call them that in my head so we might as well all be on the same page.  P.S., it was nice to see Taylor and Kennedy make a guest appearance.  Where was Russell?  Strange.

In other pointless scenes, Brandi heads over to Yolanda and David’s mega mansion and brings her parents for the visit, which is always painful to watch.  I can’t tell if Brandi’s dad wants to hang his head in shame when he films with her or, you know, have sex with her.  Who knows.  He is a free spirit.  Plus, who really knows what goes on in Sacramento?  Either way, David Foster looks like he can “catch common-man” simply by speaking with them.  I like how no matter what scene David films he’s always playing the piano.   It’s like, we get it.  And what’s the big deal about playing the piano?  How many keys are there really?  10?  If you want to challenge yourself pick up the triangle, rookie.

By the end of their scene something magical happens.  Brandi surprises her parents by buying them a car.  The gesture is overly nice and they are moved by it.  But, um, here’s the thing.  She bought them a Honda.  For real.  Now I know there’s nothing wrong with a Honda, so shut your mouf with the hate mail I’ll be receiving, but a Honda?  Like, really?  What could that possibly set her back per month?  We’re talking $199/month or $99/month if she leased it.  My cable bill is officially more than that.  Scratch that, when I got out for drinks on a Wednesday night I spend more than that.  She could have at least splurged for a Ford Focus or Kia Sofia or the like.  Either way, it was nice to see them throw caution to the wind and slowly chug off in their taupe-four-door-Accord.  Hashtag Living the Dream.  Hashtag American the Beautiful.

In the end we’re held hostage by watching Yolanda and Kim send their kids off to college.  Kim’s daughter decided to live in a dorm that actually looked like typical dorm life.  Yolanda’s daughter, on the other hand, is legit staying in an apartment in NYC that is twice the size of mine and with nicer amenities.  The good news is that they showed the outside of her building enough times for me to commit that to memory and then go and seek it out on the next nice day in the city.  It’ll be like a white-trash walking tour for me.  If you happen to be in NYC and stumble across me screaming/slurring “Gigi!” at random luxury buildings, you’ll know why.  And feel free to buy me a drink.  We’ll make it like a pub crawl.  Idea!