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RHOBH Recap: So Sacramento Looks Pretty

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Right off the bat we’re all stamping our Bingo cards because Carlton is having women come over to try out as pole dancers for her annual pool party.  You wanna know what I was doing at my family’s annual pool party?  Peeing in it.  Either way, if it’s one thing we all know Carlton loves it’s lesbian innuendos…and wearing black….and sporting pigtails…and shaking her penis into the air and casting spells from it.  So, you know, the norm.  Carlton’s casting call consists of girls who look about 16 years old wearing mismatched lingerie and swinging around the pole with a look of death in their eyes.  It’s basically like the first 10 seasons of America’s Next Top Model.  Beyond the fact that this seems to be a recurring theme all season, after examining the stripper pole I noticed that it’s not secured into the ceiling…at all.  One false move and one of these youngin’s will transform into a human lollipop.  As a sidenote, what was up with Carlton’s friend who constantly does that baby voice like she thinks it’s funny?  She kept saying, “no, you get nakey”  and I kept thinking that if aliens came to earth right now they would immediately leave.

As if we needed reminders that Brandi isn’t really from Beverly Hills, she’s doing a book signing at what I can only assume is a Red Roof Inn in Sacramento, CA.  I always love episodes like this because I get to see new places and figure out if I want to go visit someday.  The answer quickly became “no” as we saw Brandi’s limo driving all through where she grew up.  At one point Yolanda, who is back this episode with perfectly slicked back fried weave, says “That scares me.”  I may have misquoted.  She could have been giving her recipe for Swiss Miss, but the point is overall it looked frightening.  Moreover I love that we live in a world where Brandi is a New York Times best seller.  I guess it doesn’t have quite the same ring to it as it once did, does it Dan Brown?  How sad that he’s the only author I could think of right now?  No joke I almost went with Dr. Seuss.  Either way, you get the point.

It was great when Brandi and Yolanda rolled into the Red Roof Inn and tried to pretend they were so “impressed” with the presidential suite they’ve secured.  No joke, it looked like a living=room set-up at your local Bernie & Phyl’s (welcome Massachusetts readers!).  The point is that I’m pretty sure it was just the room where they illegally let all the maids live and they just wheeled in a giant piano from the “lobby lounge” so we wouldn’t see the pesky blood stains that they couldn’t get out from yesteryear.  Even the “balcony” was a real shame.  It was large in space but not much going on inside.  It was basically the Khloe Kardashian of hotel balconies.  Hey oh!

Apparently Brandi is all stressed out because she still hasn’t spoken with her dad in month since he didn’t like the dress she wore to the Golden Globes or the Oscars.  I can’t remember as I was racking my brain to figure out reasons why she would have been invited to either in the first place.  Oh, and he’s also pissed because in her book she said her dad was a drug dealer when she was growing up, which in actuality he just grew pot for the neighborhood kids.  As long as he wasn’t diddling them, it’s all good.  Also this talk about Brandi got me to thinking…where the hell is Kim in this episode?  I hate when 40 minutes pass and she is nowhere to be found. I always fear the episode will end, the screen will fade to black and we’ll just see “Kim Richards: 1902-2014” pasted across the screen.  The good news is that she shows up later.  The bad news is that we have to witness Brandi being “funny” at her book signing and rekindling with her dad.  So let’s just skip those details, cool?  She was funny at her book signing and she rekindled with her dad after everyone was drunk-pants. Done and done.

Other really odd scenes took place around Brandi’s storyline this week like Joyce going to a shooting range and firing a pistol while tossing her “your hair is too long for your age” hair from side to side.  Apparently she’s scared because two armed men walked up her driveway with guns to rob her and she signaled for her dog to attack them and the dog freaked out and rammed its own head through the glass doors.  I mean.  I have the church giggles just thinking about it.  Had the security cameras kept the footage, Joyce could have won up to $10,ooo on America’s Funniest People.  “Remember, no funny…no money!”  At this point I’d rather ram my head through a glass door.  In fact, I’ll give it a whirl and let you know how it goes.

I’m back.  It went well thanksforasking!

Speaking of things that are completely pointless….Kyle finally admits that she’s Jewish and she and her family are celebrating a Jewish holiday.  I’m not sure which one, but evidently it’s the one where you let your 4 year old play with matches.  So, well, that’s cool.  Kyle just loves telling the story where she grew up Catholic, but 4 months after dating Mauricio he asked her to convert and she did.  That seemed like an easy sell, no?  Something tells me he had the anal talk with her days after.

In the end, Joyce realized that she better keep up with her bullying and self defense storyline or she’s going to be going by the way of DeShawn Snow #Shawnie.  So, she has all the girls come to a self defense class at the gym that we can all assume is where they film Ray Donovan.  As a sidenote, have you guys watched that show?  Brilliant.  I can’t wait for season 2.  I love shows where Bostonians kill people and the accent all at the same time.  Moving on.   The first order of business in self defense is to dress like you’re starring in a 1987 workout program on VHS.  Next, make sure there’s enough cameltoe to choke a rabid donkey.  Don’t forget to attend the class in full hair and makeup.  Speaking of hair, make sure it’s longer than a horse’s mane because it’s going to look hot when you start to sweat and your hair gets tangled up into tens of thousands of knots.  Finally, show a little boob.  Now that we have this covered it only makes sense to spend the remainder of the class with Yolanda choking the instructor within an inch of his life.  Yeah she did that twice.  Perhaps three times but, truth be told, I did go to the bathroom once and then just stared out the window of my apartment for 10-15 minutes.  When I came back she was still-a-chokin’ so I figured I hadn’t missed much.

The real joy came from the Richards sisters putting on boxing gloves and screaming at each other to not punch them in the penis.  Notice how Carlton perked right up when she heard that?  She was like, did someone say, “peeeeeeeeeeenis!?”  And then she got an erection and finished herself off with her boxing glove.  Then a house fell on her and her legs shriveled up and THAT, my friends, is exactly how the prequel went to The Wizard of Oz.  You’re welcome.