Was anyone else as psyched as me to get to this episode finally?! If you answered “yes” then I look forward to seeing you in the losers meeting this coming Friday. Say hello. Anygarb, this week we continue on with Yolander’s childhood tour in which she can show the girls two things: (1) How to grow and squeeze fresh lemons from your ‘gentlemen greeter’ and (2) What real faces of women are supposed to look like. I’m pretty sure I saw people in Holland running away from Brandi in horror and telling reporters that they swore they heard her say “Why So Serious?” In case that wasn’t clear, she’s the God-damn Joker (with sticks for legs). She’s basically a mix between the Joker and Seamus Levine from Family Guy. You know the one.
Finally Lisa Vandersloot and Eileen “She’s Getting Better Each Episode” Davidson meet up with the rest of the gang. No one is more excited to experience some of their sanity than Lisa Rinna. Per usual, Lisa Rinna is a breath of fresh air and, if my hunch is right, smells like a mix of coconuts and crisp dollar bills (plus Wintergreen Lifesavers). Rinna-Claus is still talking to anyone who will listen about the fact she thinks that Kim is an addict and may or may not be currently sauced to the max. She fills in Vanderslush and Davidsauce about the plane ride from hell and Eileen is already over it. She looks like she’s genuinely disgusted by Kim “Did That Witch From Witch Mountain Spike Your Crystal Pepsi” Richards. And she’s not really afraid to say it, which is a nice change of pace around here because finally Lisa Rinna has someone she can talk “drug addiction” to besides the camera man and, most likely, Twitter.
Later Yolander rounds up all the girls so they can walk around Holland in the rain and scare the commoners with their facia brutas. I jest. They’re all beautiful and look totally not shocked at all times. As they make their way to the fancy-pants restaurant you can tell that Kim seems off. I’m not saying she’s under the influence of anything, I just mean she looks pissed that she’s sitting across from Rinna. I mean, I’d be psyched. I’d want Rinna across from me, Davidson to my left, Vanderpump to my right and Yolanda standing behind me with her arms around my shoulders and depositing large sums of money directly into my wallet. But maybe that’s just my seating plan.
After the Big Y tells everyone around the table that her daughter got busted with a DUI recently, Lisa Rinna starts to tear up and everyone wants to know why. This is the beginning of the one of the best scenes in Housewives history since the table flip. Lisa Rinna explains that he sister died of a drug overdose when she was only 6 years old (Lisa, not the sister) and that’s why she gets freaked out about over drinking and drugging. She kinda of looks at Kim when she says this and Kim looks away. Next thing you know Kim says that Lisa did get all in her business and she should stay out of it. Honestly, Kim comes to life for the first time in about 3 seasons and I don’t really think it’s because she’s on anything. She just seems pissed. But, what do I know, I’m not a pharmacist. Next thing you know she starts pointing her finger at Lisa and Eileen and then EILEEN comes to life and tells Kim not to point her finger at her. More words are exchanged and Kim tells Eileen she doesn’t like her and Eileen says the same (but in a nicer way). Kyle starts freaking, crying, and doing that high-pitched talk-cry she’s now famous for this season.
Shortly after, Kim is now screaming at Kyle for not having her back and then says that “Kathie” would never do this to her. Oh sure, bring up Kathie. Salt in the wound. When Lisa Rinna tries to tell Kim not to talk to anyone that way Kim says, “Oh why don’t you go eat a piece of bread” insinuating there may be a touch of an eating disorder there, I assume. Eileen chimes in and tells Kim that she’s disgusting. Good for her! Again, I’m liking Eileen more and more. She’s kind of like the rest of us in which she can’t believe grown women actually act like this in real life. She has a look on her face that make me think she can catch white-trash just by partaking in this conversation.
Yoanda tries to keep the peace, but it’s like “Thanks Yo! We’re gonna fight instead.” Suddenly Kim says under her breath to Lisa Rinna “Yeah bring up your husband” and Lisa Rinna freaks the F out. At one point she stands up and literally reaches across the table at Kim’s throat. Ba da ba ba ba I’m lovin’ it! Lisa is screaming to never bring up her husband again and Kim is screaming that she’ll tell everyone what Lisa doesn’t want them to know about her home-life and next thing you know Lisa throws her water at Kim and smashes her wine glass over the table. There may have been special sound effects at that point but, trust me, it made it way better. As soon as the glass smashes, Kyle books it the F out of the restaurant. She was running like someone just stole her bike and she was going after them. It was very reminiscent of when Teresa Guidice ran out of the retreat when her brother and husband started wrestling each other. THIS is what reality television (and humans) was made for!
Then the crying begins. I’m talking real tears. Everyone basically is running up the street like Kim has a gun and are now sobbing. Even Eileen gets in on the action. Plus they’re all wet from the rain so the main takeaway is that they just look like a mess. Like wet rats in heat. Personally I think that Lisa Rinna and Eileen are giving Day of Our Lives tears, but either way, water is pouring from their eyes. If it’s one thing that they all agree with it’s that Kim is a rusted out dumpster without a heart. Meanwhile, Brandi is complaining that there’s broken glass in her hair and she’s pissed. Kim tries to one-up her and says that there’s glass in her jeans. Um, ok. Let’s just be honest…I’m pretty sure Kim showed up to dinner with glass in her jeans.
The “next morning” Lisa Rinna wakes up to a knock at her door…and it’s Kim. They should have just cut there. I assumed we were all about to witness the brutal murder of Lisa Rinna. Basically this is what it would have been like to (allegedly) watch OJ Simpson murder those people, you know, if there were drones and social media back in the mid 90’s. Either way, Kim has come to bury the hatchet (face) and Lisa looks like she can’t believe this conversation is taking place in real-time and not in between bullet proof glass at the local jail. Once Lisa comes back downstairs no one is more shocked/pissed at this reconciliation than Eileen. And I don’t really blame her. You don’t get to go bananas and then 10 hours later be like, “Psych! We’re good now.” Oddly Kim hasn’t said anything to Eileen or Kyle….or Kyle’s hair. So that’s cool.
Other crap happens, but not overly worth mentioning. The gang rides bikes, visits windmills, eats cake at Yolanda’s mom’s house/apartment (I mean, David Foster hook her up for pete sake), and then they all go to a hash bar and split one space cake between 25 people and pretend to get high. I did like, however, when Brandi called out Kyle for pretending she didn’t know what it was like to “do pot” the whole day when Brandi and Kyle smoked together months before. Bravo to her for bringing some honesty back into our lives. I liked Brandi for these 4 minutes. I must go now.