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#RHOBH Recap: The Lurker in the Garage

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As long as there’s a chance that Kim is doing dismounts off her wagon, I’ll be here to recap this junk again.  As soon as she goes on the straight and narrow I’ll reevaluate my life in its entirety.  This week we continue on with the poker fight from last week.  Kim is still being as ornery as ever and is basically being dragged throughout the driveway by Brandi who, let’s take a second to let this sink is, is truly an amazon when compared to the Richard sisters.  Had Brandi been more of Kim’s age perhaps she could have been cast as the mountain in “Return to Witch Mountain.”  Speaking of which, I’m going to start a prayer circle that there’s a remake of this classic Disney movie casting the majority of the Kardashian clan and called something like, “Return of Witch Mountain, Bitches!”  Bruce Jenner, will of course, play the witch.

Anyway,  Kyle is busy crying in the hallway and spending a few seconds to let it set in that Brandi just pushed her down the stairs. However, she comes to and realizes that she’s currently filming a reality show and real tears are rolling down her face so she might as well keep the momentum going.  So she oompa loompa doopity do’s her way out to the driveway where Kim is basically being held captive and demands to speak to her sister.  Brandi wants no part of that and keeps trying to tell Kim that her sister scratched her hand, but like a real nice train-wreck  Kim is busy asking what happened to her pizza?  Through the magic of the camera work we then get a nice closeup of a slice of pizza laying upside down on the driveway.  Had the cameras not been there, I’m sure Kim would have been on all fours clicking the crust and howling at the moon.  Actually I’m sure that did happen on camera so I’m going to request the raw footage.

Brandi is really out of hand in trying to keep Kyle from talking to Kim and Kyle is busy crying, talking at really high tones, looking like Demi Moore and pointing her finger and swatting at Brandi every time she swings on by.  Suddenly Kim realizes that she’s a person and, you know, alive and stuff so she starts screaming at Lisa Rinna asking her “What did you tell them from the car!?”  Here’s the thing, I know I said it before but I’m really digging Lisa Rinna.  Pre-RHOBH I always thought she was an annoying sellout (two traits I admire), but now I think she’s still both those things, but lovable and real all at the same time.  Oh, and you want to know what else is real?  The fact that during this fight Eileen Davidson’s driveway suddenly “a man” appears in the garage window looking at them fight in horror.  At first I figured it was a camera man or, you know, the cue card holder, but then suddenly realized it was Eileen Davidson’s husband peeking through the window and I began so slow clap that sh*t.  It was like rewatching The Men and a Baby when all of a sudden that “ghost kid” appeared out of nowhere hiding behind the curtain.  I believe the rumor was he was killed on the set.  Either way, that.

After Brandi basically starts swinging at Kyle, she decides she no longer wants to be part of this and walks (shoeless) to the car service that’s waiting for her.  Kim decides to stay with Brandi and not just because Brandi basically has her in a chokehold at this point, but because I’m pretty sure she thinks she’s waiting in line for Space Mountain.  Eileen is in shock and awe that any of this actually took place and isn’t afraid to say so….during her 1 on 1 interview.  She quickly became the voice of reason when she said “What women in their 40’s and 50’s act like this?”  Exactly.  I believe she even said she fought like that with her sisters….25 years ago.  Not now!  Good for her.  I’m liking Eileen too.  I mean, she scares me and I’m certain she’ll poison me during poker night but, still I like her.

Lisa Rinna heads home with Kyle and that entire car ride was so awkward (but refreshing) mainly because she continuously talks to Kyle about how wacky Kim was acting in the car on the way to the poker party and that if she wasn’t drunk she was definitely on something.  You could tell Kyle didn’t want to talk about it at all…but Lisa Rinna did.  Suddenly Lisa thinks she has an epiphany and is like, “Brandi is an alcoholic and needs rehab!”  Um, duh!  Why do you think she was cast on this show in the first place?!   Lisa Rinna continues saying that no one would act like this if they weren’t drunk and then kinda still implies that Kim was a disaster.  I got that awkward feeling in my stomach when she was talking and was like, “Okkk yeah we know!”

The “next day” we learn that Kim is in the hospital…but no one knows why.  I mean, Kyle keeps saying “maybe ulcers…but we don’t know that.”  I bet she was there because by the time she made it home she probably ate a bag full of thermometers.  But that’s just my guess.  The remainder of the episode consists of a breast cancer charity event Lisa Rinna is having at her home and Kyle avoiding Brandi at all costs.  Other things happened as well like Yolanda filming a 5 minute scene in which she’s Facetiming with her daughter and can’t get the video of her daughter working correctly on her phone.  Oh, and Lisa Vanderpump and Ken take in yet another dog.  I believe they have 5 dogs already (4 of which are Giggy lookalikes) and Comet from Full House.  When I die (and I never will) I want to come back as a Vanderpump dog.  I just want to make sure Pandy doesn’t try to play the peanut butter game with me.  Arf!