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Real Housewives of NYC: You Put Your Left Leg In, You Throw Your Left Leg Out…

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Sure I took a break from recapping RHONY, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t watching.  I tuned in week after week (after week, after week) to see if this was the episode where Aviva unvelcro’d her leg and threw it onto the floor.  Each week I was disappointed that it never seemed to happen but, after joining a world-wide prayer circle, it’s finally here!

Nothing else from this episode matters (kinda like the entire season) except for the last 5 minutes.  All “the girls” are at some dinner party Sonja is having to celebrate all the staff in her life.  I have no idea.  Aviva showed up to this event because (1) she’s contractually obligated to and (2) they had to close out this storyline.  Right off the bat Ramona told her she looked too thin and within minutes everyone is calling her out for allegedly making up her asthma diagnosis.  As if Aviva couldn’t get any crazier she starts telling them that her doctor was playing one big joke on her and she didn’t really have asthma.  I’m sorry, what?  I’m not following…mainly because I’m watching her hands this entire time so I can see the precise moment where she unhooks her mannequin leg and releases it into the wild.  No dice yet.  Suddenly she starts taking out props that consist of x-ray charts and doctor’s notes like any of us really give a f**k.  It’s like, if you really wanted to capture our attention you’d tell us what your relationship was with Fran Drescher and if her laugh is real.  That is something that American public and one-off parts of Canada want to know.

It was really at this point that Heather. Has. Had. A. F***ing. ‘Nuff.  She is screaming at everyone that she wants to go home and how Aviva is laughable and a waste of her time.  Within seconds Aviva (out of the blue, I’m pretty sure) starts yelling that the only thing artificial and fake about her is her leg…to which she then removes it, smashes it against the dinner table and throws it onto the floor.  Why Bravo didn’t insert a laugh-track here was really a missed opportunity.  This chick is off the rails on the regular and, well, she just hit tilt on the “bat-sh*t-crazy-o-meter.”  It’s a thing.  To be honest even though we’ve all seen the commercial tens of thousands of times watching the full scene really was everything and officially completed my life.  Besides the fact that it was insane, the reaction from all the guests at the party really made it all.  Kristen covers her eyes, Ramona sinks into her chair, Carole runs away…but then it gets better.

One of Sonja’s 15,000 interns starts laughing and mouths “Oh sh*t!” and other background people recoil in horror/laugh at the same time which really is a feat all in itself.  Speaking of rando background people…that psychic?  Comedy gold.  I mean, I guess what do you do when someone throws their leg onto the floor at a party and starts screaming “Do you want me to crawl home?”  I did awkwardly shout back at my television, “Kinda?”  If she threw herself on the ground and started using her arms to drag herself onto the dance floor like Lt. Dan from Forest Gump I think an Emmy would be issued immediately.  Like, on the spot.

I think Carole really summed things up when she handed Aviva back her leg (a sentence I never thought I’d type) and said “You really need help.”  What an award winning scene overall. I do, however, say scrap the entire cast next season except for Ramona.  And bring back Jill and Bethenny.  Shut up and just do it.  And the only way I would allow Aviva to return next season would be if it was stated in her contract that she has to throw her leg at someone at least once per episode and upwards of 6 times during the reunion show taping.