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Real Housewives of Atltanta Recap: What the Christ is a Sunset BBQ?

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Before we even get into last nights episode, I have a question. Uh, why do they all make it seem like Atlanta is a different country. Sheree is always like, “The people of Atlanta look up to me for my fashion sense.” Kim always states that having money and connections gives you power for anything you want in Atlanta. They do know Atlanta is still part of the United States, right? Wait, it is….isn’t it? Perhaps something has changed. I’m not great in Social Studies.

  • Anyathuhlete, this crapisode was a little disappointing to me as Kim was hardly in it. What a jip! Although they did kick it off with Kim, Sheree, and Kim’s random friend (that wasn’t pretty enough to make the actual Housewives cast) going on a boat trip. Of course no boat trip is complete without Kim’s white-trash glass of White Zinfandel and pack of Newport’s. Ahhhh, sun, fresh air, booze, and cancer sticks. What a treat. Once Fatty McBoat-Driver starts to gun it on the water Kim hits the f’n deck. She knows even the slightest wind will blow that horrific wig right off her head. She’s smart enough to crouch down to protect the priceless wig all whilst still taking a drag from her Newport’s and not spilling a drop of wine. Bravo, Kim, bravo (not the channel)
  • All the girls are chit-chatting on a deserted island about “Big Poppa/Papa” and how no one really knows who he is. Screw NeNe’s father, can someone give a DNA test to Kim’s mystery boyfriend? I’ve had people email me that Big Poppa is Frankie Delgado’s father from The Hills, as well as most recently Quincy Jones. I’m sticking with my first guess, which was John Goodman.
  • Later we get to see Sheree work hard on her new “fashion line” called “She Sheree.” Wow, looks terrible. How come when Sheree talks it sounds like she says 5 words really fast and then slows down and then says another 5 words really fast and then slows down. It’s kinda like this: Myfashionlineisvery important. ItseveryhthingIvealways wanted. Take a breath, trash.
  • Meanwhile, NeNe is having her big hat brunch. Look, I like NeNe. I do. She and Kim are the only reasons to watch this crapfest. However, when NeNe was giving her speech about being in an abusive relationship I don’t think it was as dramatic as she thought it was going to be. There were no tears and she just kept repeating the same thing “look at me now!” I know a few women that would take a punch if it meant that years later they’d have their own television show. Was that insensitive?
  • Sidenote, how funny was it that NeNe went to a place called “Any Test” to get her DNA test? Personally I think it should have been called the “Who’s Your Daddy Store” but that’s just me. Perhaps you would have named it something different.
  • The rest of the crapisode centers around DeShawn’s “sunset bbq.” Why is she calling it a sunset bbq and why won’t she stop saying “sunset bbq?” I never want to hear that term again. Speaking of things I never wanna hear again….I’m sick of hearing Lisa switch back and forth from Asian to black. Pick something and stick with it. No substitutions.
  • Sheree’s fashion designs are simply ruined and they are not “fab-u-lus” and with fashions like that she aint gonna score herself any kind of “ath-uh-lete.” It is comical, however, that Kim was saying how bad the clothes looked. This is coming from a “29” year old woman who’s wearing a stripper wig and wearing clothes that look like you throw them away after you wear them once….all whilst smoking and drinking.
  • Meanwhile back at the “sunset bbq” Kim and Shree were no-shows. Sheree couldn’t go because her clothes for the fashion show sucked. Oh, and Kim didn’t go because she didn’t want to go and eat chicken with NeNe. I’m fine with that. I’ve definitely canceled plans with people over not wanting to eat chicken with them, so I totally know where Kim is coming from.
  • By the end of the episode we find out that Lisa’s husband will be playing for the Oakland Raiders and NeNe’s “father” Curtis is not actually her father. I’m not sure how sad one can be when they find out their dad (who they don’t call “dad”) is not actually their dad. Oh! How AWESOME would it be if somehow Big Poppa was actually NeNe’s dad and Kim ended up being NeNe’s stepmother! Oh please let that happen. If this was The Hills you know they’d be adding that to the script as we speak.

You crackheads still watching this? What did you think of this episode? Anyone wanna invite me to their “sunset bbq” to eat chicken? Discuss.