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Teen Mom 2 Season Premiere Recap: Barb is Pissed Off to the Max!

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Jenelle – Oh, hi Jenelle.  Not a lot is really new with Jenelle these days, in regards to “the land” of course.  Actually they now have grass so, take THAT society!  Meanwhile, apparently Nathan’s mom pulled the “gotcha gotcha” on Jenelle because she’s taking her to court over potential bruises she found on Kaiser (allegedly) and leaving him out in the “hot hot” heat.  Allegedly.  I mean, if in court she doesn’t sing to the judge, “Me mind on fire.  Me Kaiser on fire.  Feeling hot, hot, hot.”  In other news, I’m 79 years old.  Anyway, David is totally confused about all this “left him outside” business because according to David, Kaiser doesn’t even like to go outside ‘his-self.’  He actually said that.  Before I typed that I had to ask Alexa if it was “his-self” or “himself” and even though she doesn’t have eyes, she rolled them. Did anyone else think of Barb saying from 16 & Pregnant, “You treat this here baby like he’s a dawg.” I mean if they’re leaving Kaiser outside then maybe Barb was really ahead of her time?  Also, slow clap for Jenelle for not putting on a stitch of makeup for this entire scene.  If I were on this show even for 11 seconds I would get a full spray tan.  And I’m not talking those new fangled spray tans.  I’m talking the ones circa 2003 that left your face orange and your fingers yellow.  C.L.A.S.S.Y.

We’re lucky to catch Nathan in between pending charges so, clearly, TM2 pulled out all the stops for the season premiere.  Nathan and his friends decided to film their scenes at a basketball court and he also decides to impress us by spinning the ball on his finger for upwards of 10 seconds whilst smiling.  I assume Guinness was there on standby with a stopwatch and a plaque all ready to go.  Nathan’s face tells us about his mom trying to get emergency custody.  He also alleges that Kaiser told him that David punched him once.  Oh, and when he spills his milk he immediately grabs his bum in a way to protect himself from not getting hit.  I mean, just point on the puppet where the tall man slapped at you and let’s get this custody hearing underway.

Later an article is written about the emergency hearing and Jenelle is really upset about it.  David simply says, “Well we don’t like articles around here.”  So there’s that.  Jenelle isn’t sure what to do about it all so she decides to do the most adult thing she can think of which is, of course, to take to Twitter.  I would have advised her to take to Myspace, but I don’t believe the internet is really a real thing so what do I know?

Meanwhile, Barb is BACK!  Finally.  I only want to watch this show if Barb is in it.  And, to make things even better, she’s skittish and feisty and ready to fight!  The producer is freaking Barb about by bringing up the sitch with Nathan’s mom and Barb simply says, “I’m just pissed off to the max!”  I mean we are 14 seconds into the scene and Barb just have us the first quote of the season.  We really are so blessed.  She’s totally going into my gratitude journal tonight.  Outside of being pissed off to the max, she’s really sick of all the lies that Jenelle’s been saying about her so, according to Barb, when the “online press” called her (I mean, why not just say Radar Online) and asked her if she was concerned about Kaiser she said she always has been.  The “online press” asked her if it was ok to use that direct quote from her and Barb just goes, “Damn straight.”  She is so bad ass.  She needs those “deal with it” glasses.  Oh, and please note you should totally buy one or ten of my t-shirts here.  Like this one…

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We get to hear Jenelle’s side of the story because the producer apparently raced over there!  Jenelle is crying her eyes out because of the article online that Barb sold.  Jenelle says that David doesn’t hit the kids like that and said that he jokes with Kaiser about punching him in the face and so Nathan’s mother is just taking it the wrong way.  Jenelle also says she has “night terrors” because she thinks Barb is going to try and take her kids (and everything) away from her.  I say, give your kids to Barb and just live your life on the land.  Speaking of “the land” DRINK because when crying Jenelle told the producer that David doesn’t even know this is happening right now because he’s “working on the land” with his dad.  I can’t.

Briana/Leah – I’m not really sure how to recap these people individually because their scenes were filmed together.  You see, Briana and Leah were both in LA together to attend the MTV Music Awards.  Ugh, just another reason why getting knocked up young and having a killer audition tape really can lead to you living your best life ever.  Briana, her sister Britney (genuflect), and Leah are all getting ready in the hotel together.  Did anyone notice it was the same hotel that Jenelle stayed in when they basically kidnapped Jace and Barb had to stand outside and call the police to get him back?  Simpler times.

Briana spills the pointless beans that she and Javi are friends and they like to flirt publicly on Twitter.  I mean, who even uses Twitter anymore.  Should I?  I use Instagram.  You should follow me over there!  Leah looks kind of freaked out by this info and something tells me she’s going to be like a prison snitch and tell Kail everything that was just discussed.  Moreover, why in the world would Javi be interested in Briana when they live in different states and she’s on the same show as Kail?  He’s like the Spanish ‘Slade Smiley’ from Real Housewives of Orange County.  Clap if you agree.  Eh, doesn’t matter.  I can’t hear you.  Meanwhile, Javi is in NYC with his buddy driving around and chit-chatting like school girls who just synced up on their periods about the situation between him and Briana.  I don’t overly care about this, but I overly overly overly care what Roxanne must think about all of this.  I don’t love that we’re 40 minutes into this episode and I haven’t seen her yet.  It’s like, why even go on?

As predicted (I’m like Teresa Caputo) Leah makes it back from the VMAs and decides to call Kail to fill her in on what Briana told her about Javi.  Apparently Javi and Briana are going to “stay in a hotel together” with their kids while taking them to Disney World.  At least I assume it’s Disney.  They said Orlando so I hope to go they’re not talking about anywhere else.  Also, Kail seems pissed and Leah just keeps saying, “I know, it’s like girl code.”  Sounds like someone has been listening to Countess LuAnn’s single from last year.  I always love to plug that.  Anyway, you know what would solve all of these problems? If all the moms just had more kids.

In the end we get to see everyone vacationing in Orlando and even get a surprise visit from Roxanne.  She let me down a little because she was tame, but I’m hoping for some fist-fighting in the near future.

Kail – So after two months, she finally decided to name her son.  Everyone is calling him Baby Lo.  I’m not sure what that means, but the final name decided upon was Lux.  Cool.  After Kail got the call from Leah about the pointless Briana/Javi love triangle, she decides to fill Joe in on all of that.  I still wish those two would just get back together already.  Vee can still stick around (like a sister wife), but I want Joe and Kail back together.  They could have some celeb-couple-name-morph and we could call them Jail.

Chelsea – Mentioned that Adam is basically on meth.  (Allegedly)