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Teen Mom 2: Barb Becomes Nathan’s New Girlfriend

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We’re fresh off of David not really being able to film anymore with MTV and, well, Jenelle is in quite a pickle.  This week she’s supposed to drop off Kaiser on the side of a busy highway so that Nathan can basically running-man his way back into Kaiser’s life, but the catch is that David usually goes with Jenelle so, you know, she doesn’t get tricked back into the “gym life” with Nathan.  Since MTV thinks they can catch trash from David and won’t allow him to be on camera, Jenelle decides she’ll basically just have her friend drop Kaiser off and be done with it all.  For real, this is the only scene that Jenelle is in all episode. Looking back, I didn’t hate it.  Especially because you totally know Barb is going to be plastered all over this episode and perhaps even just plastered in general.  #PrayerCircle

After Jenelle’s friend drops Kaiser off to Nathan and Nathan does some actual dance moves to and from the car (for reasons that are still unclear to me), he switches Kaiser into his mom’s car because, due to “da courts” he apparently can’t drive with him just yet.  And off they go!  Next stop, miniature golf or as I like to call it, “You’re Not Good Enough to Play Real Golf…Ball.”  Anyone else?  Personally I hate mini golf, only because I’m against tiny pencils and there’s nothing worse than either some dumpster fire taking their sweet time in front of you and/or you’re the dumpster fire and the people behind you are getting pissed because you’re taking too long trying to get the faded blue ball through the windmill (where all the paint is pretty much peeled off) and then into the clown’s mouth (who looks 100% like an actual child molester) just so you can win some tickets and get a tiny stuffed animal that legit feels like he’s filled with actual beans, coated in asbestos, and you totally know has been shellacked in lead paint by the tiny little girl or boy in a foreign county where they work by being chained to a desk.  Wow.  Where in the hell was I?! Anyway so, yeah, Nathan and his girlfriend and Kaiser went to play miniature golf.  Fun!

Meanwhile, Leah and Kail are together with some other rando friend in Hawaii.  Was it just me or was it cloudy 90% of the time?!  And, more importantly, how come on every Teen Mom trip that’s on an island the weather always looks bad?  Anyway, evidently this is the type of trip where all the girls are wet the entire time and wearing trucker hats, backwards, with all their wet hair in front of their face.  It’s a mood.  Also, I hear that’s what “the kids” are saying these days.  “It’s a mood.”  I’m pretty sure I’m not using it totally right, but I recommend you just throw that out there in front of your kids from time to time and see how they react.  Let’s all grow old together!  Ole!

Anyway, Kail is pissed because her 3rd baby-daddy is suddenly calling her to set up a visit with Lux.  Apparently he’s only done that two other times and so she thinks it’s suspect.  Luckily, it’s Bone to the rescue!  So she can work out all the details and Kail can stay in Hawaii so she can do things like ride horses whilst wearing a blanket and jump out of a plane with Leah. I say, go and have fun!  Take advantage of all the trips you can get comped!  I’m jealous.  Also, the only thing that would have made this trip way the hell better would have been if Suzi and Janet were also there, jumping out of the plane, while booty-clapping, doing the worm, and the like.  I’d 100% prefer it if Suzi actually did the Roger Rabbit, backwards, out of the plane.  Who’s with me!  Anyway, the thing I really didn’t like was when I heard Leah talking about how some of the kids in school are making fun of how Ali Landry walks.  Kids are THE WORST!  I did give props for the other sister, Ali Latasha, punching the girl who made fun of her sister.  Gotta protect the fam!  And I want to say one last thing.  How much more fun would it be if they took next season and just made it into a Jersey Shore-style reunion where all the Teen Mom’s (and Barb) lived in a house together for 4-weeks?  Once again, MTV, that idea is on me free of charge.  You’re welcome. Also, why not follow me here on Instagram!  You know I love a follower!

Also, this Briana and Shirley surgery in Miami storyline is boring me to stitched-up-tears.  To no surprise, Javi showed up to help take care of them (remember the whole “who’s going to wipe our butt” dilemma from last week?) and Briana isn’t having it.  Also, can someone PLEASE tell me what surgery Shirley got?!  They wheeled her out in a wheel chair and I have no clue.  I was going to assume boobs or butt implants, but I can’t tell.  Someone please Ask Jeeves this info for me and leave it in the comments, thanks!  After a few minutes, Briana finally decides to listen to Javi to see what he has to say and while he did apologize for going on Kail’s podcast and basically acting-a-fool (is that still a thing?), he dropped the ball again when he told Briana that he has another girl who’s ready to move to Delaware right now waiting in the wings.  I mean, who cares?!  Also, did anyone else hear that Javi and his new girlfriend are having a baby?  Like, how is this a thing for him?  It’s like if he’s not going to war he’s immediately getting into a new relationship and suffering serious consequences.   Lame.

At least we’re finally back to Barb!  So here’s what went down.  When Nathan was playing mini-golf, she called him and told him that Jace told her that Kaiser peed on David and (allegedly) David spanked Kaiser really hard.  Ugh, I don’t like that one bit if it’s true.  According to Jace, David hits Kaiser (allegedly) all the time.  I actually felt bad for Nathan because he looked horrified and, of course, if it’s true I feel bad for Kaiser.  Poor kid.  Nathan and Barb agree to meet for lunch the next day to “talk all about this” and I’m just psyched we’re going to see Barb out and about.  It’s always my favorite.  When Nathan told his girlfriend what Barb just told him, she had to walk away because she was starting to cry.  I actually feel like she might be a decent human, no?  Dare I say she almost seems normal?  We probably need to research her, but I’m curious.  I bet we’ll only find out she, like, shoplifted at a 5-7-9 back in the day.  Anyone?

The next day, Nathan and Barb meet at a restaurant to talk and, well, it’s everything I’ve been hoping for.  First off, this is pretty much a date so…score! Oh, by the way, Happy Amazon Prime Day! If you’re going to buy a bunch of junk check out some of these amazing deals taking place right now.  Ok, back to our regularly scheduled program.   Barb and Nathan hug and she immediately says, “Oh you’re so thin and I’m so fat!”  To which Nathan responds with, “Oh please you’re, what, 90 pounds?”  And Barb just laughs and goes, “Uh, not really!”  She’s the best.

I know this is supposed to be a serious topic, but I found myself squealing with delight.  Nathan is talking about now that all his past charges have been dropped he can go after Jenelle for contempt of mediation, including vulgarity in front of his son.  Uh, ok.  Barb goes,

Oh you should hear Jace!  He calls me ‘the MF’ every time, like, he comes in!”

Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it! Can you even imagine that?!  I pray to my sweet baby Jesus that MTV has some footage of that.  Nathan wants Jenelle and David to take a drug test and a psychological test.  I mean, who would pass a psychological test?  Am I right? Anyway, Barb has her own strategy based on what her lawyer told her and that strategy is, of course, to write everything down on a calendar.  Genius!  She’s been doing this since 2009 she says and she brought them to court to show the judge all the times Jenelle was late, didn’t call and, most likely was just plain old being a ‘lil b**ch of a daughtah!”  I did laugh when she said, “So I went to court and I whipped them out!”  I bet she did!  WINK!

Finally, Barb is concerned about David “shooting dem guns off in the yaaaaahd!”  She told Jenelle that a bullet is going to ricochet off of one of the trees and hit her or her kids in the head.  She also is frustrated that they can’t go to Jenelle’s house because, according to her, she’ll be arrested and Nathan will be shot and arrested.  Well at least Barb wouldn’t get shot!

Chelsea went bowling.

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