Teen Mom 2 Recap: Barb’s Friend, Donna, is Giving Me 80’s Life

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Is it just me or does this season seem like it’s been going on since 1989?  At this point I’m expecting Leah’s kids to become grandparents, y’all!

Jenelle – This wedding planning (also known as ‘This Here Wedding’) is in full force and Jenelle is shuttling back and forth to NYC (again, and wouldn’t visit me once) to take care of all things ‘dresses.’  However, there’s something else that’s need to be done too.  They need someone to actually marry them in their backyard.  I shook my Magic 8 Ball and asked if Barb would the officiant and it said, “Doesn’t look likely, ya lil b**ch!”  So the next best option for them is to ask the security guy from TM2 to do it.  In his best t-shirt, he said “yes” and told Jenelle and David they were like family.  I mean, is that the family you’d want?  I would, of course, because I would know that one day I would inherit “the land.”

Later, at night Jenelle gives her friend (who, no, is not an employee of MTV thankyouverymuch) a tour of her backyard to point out where the dance floor will be, where the buffet goes, and where the light show will take place.  As a a side note, those are three things that should never be legally allowed to be used in the same sentence.  Her friend was like “Cool.”  It made me miss Tori.  It also made me miss that time everyone had a fist-fight over a floor filled with dirty laundry and Taco Bell wrappers.  Oh, all on camera…in case I forgot to mention that.

Just when you think I couldn’t love Barb any more than I do, she introduces a new friend to my eyes and my ears.  But mostly my eyes. Meet Donna.  She is what we’ve been waiting for for 8 year and is 100% worth the wait. My guess is that she works at Walmart from the 80’s and takes a time machine back to whatever the hell year we’re in now to be friends with Barb and keep me awake during all this mess.  I of course don’t know her personally, but I have a hunch she smokes Misty 120’s and sips on Zima with a watermelon Jolly Rancher sunk down the bottom of the bottle, you know, for kicks and such.  To sum up, she’s a dream come true and I’ll be sure to thank her in my Oprah demanded gratitude journal tonight.

Anyway, Barb is trying to fill in Donna on all things Jenelle and David, but to my surprise Donna is the voice of reason.  She thinks that maybe Barb never gave David a chance and even calls Barb out for saying two different things in the same story.  I love her for this but I am, of course, a little miffed that she’d try to embarrass my Barb on national television.  I’ll let it slide this once.  She even suggests that David can’t be that bad of a guy since he’s taking care of all of Jenelle’s kids.  I mean, Ike took care of Tina’s kids and we all know how that turned out.  We should still be mindful.  By the end of the conversation, after Barb cried, Donna recommends that Barb text David a nice message to see if that would help.  Barb refused and Donna just let out an actual growl.  For real.  If there was a thought-bubble it would say “Grrrrrr.”  I’m so glad I stayed up past 9pm tonight!  What a time to be alive!

Later, they basically have 14 minutes to get ready for This Here Wedding and David needs to lay the sod (giggity) on all of “the land.”  Kristen the producer looks like she’s ready to Shasta McNasty in her pants for them!  As David is in his bobcat going around 176 MPH back and forth, Jenelle is having a “Camera Off/Mic On” conversation with Kristen saying she doesn’t have any friends and no one is coming to help them lay sod.  Um, isn’t she supposed to have this conversation in the parking lot of a Comfort Inn at 1 in the morning?  I’m confused.

In the end David gets some of the sod done and then all hell breaks loose because he won’t talk to Jenelle and she’s pissed because no one delivered the dance floor (is that a thing?).  They fight in the shed and then David makes everyone leave.  He stops talking and then Jenelle makes everyone leave, but not before screaming at everyone all over again.  Sounds romantic!

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Leah/Kail – It’s gotta be tough having 3 kids and being a single parent and no one seems to know that more than Leah.  Per usual I don’t know any of the kids names.  I mean, I know them, but I don’t know which is which.  Or is it ‘which is whom?”  Anyway, the newest girl is sassin’ and frettin’ and stealing Ali La Croix’s knee braces and running away with them.  Leah hunts her down in her room and finds them hidden in the closet.  At one point I thought I was watching a game show because Leah just kept yelling, “You lost $1 dollar.  Oh yeah?  No you’re down $4 dollars.  Not you lost all your money.”  I was like, “Spin the wheel, newest girl, spin the wheel!”  I’m kidding.  You, of course, always opt for the physical challenge at a time like this.  The newest girl must have really been pissed because she then calls Leah stupid and gets punished.  While she has to sit on the chair for 4 minutes she starts singing some insane song in a southern accent about wanting to go live with her momma in California.  Even Leah was like, “What are you talking about?”  Kids, am I right?

It’s like we’re running out of storylines for Leah when we’re all basically invited to a picnic with the three West Virginian sissies.  Plus, I couldn’t take my eyes off all the scraps of trash surrounding their blanket.  It’s really like a Where’s Waldo for the kids today.  Ole!  Anyway, Leah is filling in the girls on their new school year and how they’ll be in different classes.  Mind you, this is all taking place whilst Ali Lastasha Berkowitz is, literally, holding the new girl’s head back and throwing grapes down her throat like she’s a human Pez dispenser.  But, by all means, cut the crust off her sandwich to make sure she doesn’t choke on it.

Later the girls head to the first day of 2nd grade and then over to Corey’s to chit-chat about beavers and such.  Corey does a great job playing producer and asks the girls rapid-fire questions about school and they hated answering every one of them.  The convo ended with Corey teasing the blonde one about having a boyfriend and the other sister start chanting about her having a boyfriend.  School sounds fun.

Meanwhile,  Kail is in a giant huff because her latest baby daddy didn’t show up for one of the ultrasound appointments since his alarm never went off and he overslept.  Kail’s friend made us think this was a made up story because she gave ‘air quotes’ to the camera.  I love air quotes.  I still use them all the time.  So much so that I sometimes use them when they’re not even needed or, actually, incorrect.  I’ll be like, “I can’t believe today is ‘Friday'” so I’m not sure what that’s all about.  Anyway, her friend was kind enough to let Kail know that she and her friends are all there for her even if she feels like she’s all alone.  I think that whistle you’re hearing in the background is the money train pulling up.  Next stop, Vee’s house!

Kail finally made it to her appointment her baby daddy actually showed up.  Everyone who was playing along at home…drink!

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Briana – Briana’s episode starts off pretty slow and, well, stays that way for the majority of the time.  Luis has been MIA ever since Roxanne called him out last week.  Briana’s first ex is coming over to hang and he asks her what happened between her and Luis because he didn’t “see the first episode.”  I’m sorry, what now?  Anyway, since he’s trying to not be trash he volunteers to pay for Nova’s after school program this year.  We’ll see how that goes.

I always get confused when Briana freaks out over money.  I mean, MTV has to be paying her something right?  Like, she’s not doing this shiz for free, yeah?  Anyway, she and Devon (is that even his name?) are with Nova at her school playing reindeer games and trying to sign her up for that dreaded after-school program where you can basically pay money for them to keep your kids until it’s time for dinner.  I have no idea.  All I know is that it sounds like it’s half-adoption so they might as well fill out the paperwork for the next kid too.  Sadly, the after-school program will only accept cash for payment (sorry, no Travelers Checks) and Briana doesn’t have any on her.  Devon only has $60 (Briana took that anyway) and she left in a quick huff to go find an ATM so she could pay in quarters I assume.  And well, that’s really pretty much all that happened.

Chelsea – Played dress-up like the Virgin Mary.  Allegedly.