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Teen Mom 2: Why Didn’t Minnie Mouse Play the Role of Barb?

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Leah – Since I don’t believe in watching anything on television besides reality shows where teenagers become mothers, I missed the fact that Leah’s home-state of West Virginia is flooded and there’s devastation everywhere.  Personally I feel like it’s Mother Nature’s way of trying to clean the place up, but that’s just me.  I mean, I’m more of a “half glass full” type of person.  Anyway, Leah’s in yet another weekly pickle.  This time she’s trying to move into her new home, but needs another week in her old home and the landlord is basically doing todays equivalent of “talk to the hand” to her and won’t let her not pay for the entire month even though she only needs to stay there for about 15 extra minutes.  Even more shocking is that her rent is $1,850 per month.  I assumed per year, but I was wrong.  Good for Leah.  In NYC $1,850 would get her 7 sq feet and she’d have to share it with 4 prostitutes (3 of which are dead, but still living there).  Either way, I wish everyone a beautiful life. I also wish everyone click here to friend me on Facebook where the best Teen Mom commenting really takes place.

I really like how the girls are helping to clean out the house and label stuff.  I think that kids really should learn how to label things at an early age.  Oh, and by “things” I of course mean “people.”  I feel like I’m watching a school play where Leah and her sister are playing the role of “The Wicked Half-Step/Who’s-Their-Daddy-Sisters” and are totally committing to the part by wearing their hair in side updos with pieces falling to and fro all whilst they’re in their favorite stained t-shirts.  I  think Sissy is even wearing a t-shirt about giving stuff up to God.  Let’s just assume she’s referring to “hoarding” and “living in squalor.”  Either way, with all of this cleaning and organizing going on, Leah is still frettin’ because she’s been still trying to get a hold of Jeremy to see if he sold the 3rd child to the kind people of South Dakota for pipe money.  She keeps getting his automatic voicemail.  Poor people are so cute still calling each other on the phone.  Anyway, Jeremy finally calls back after I’m pretty sure the producers got in touch with him, and he starts freaking out and yelling that he texted her where their daughter was and he doesn’t believe the fake crap Leah is pulling.  Um, it’s called a television show?  Show a little respect Jeremy!

Leah ends up freaking out of the phone call for pretty much the remainder of the show.  It was a bit on the boring side even though she was yelling in a house that was in shambles all whilst eating greasy pizza.  Normally I like that combo, but this time around I was less than interested.  Call me old-fashioned.

Kail – Javi is about to come home so Kail decided to get the heck outta Dodge and went on a “momcation” with her friends and the kids to Puerto Rico.  Her friend Sterling apparently brought her 3 day old baby so that must have been a super fun flight for everyone around them.  But the gods are shining down on me because Sterling also brought her mom (whose name I can never remember) and she’s in a face full of makeup and sitting on the beach in what I can only assume is suede pants.  Awesome.  I started sweating and itching just watching her scenes.  She’s playing the role of producer and asking Kail all about Javi and their relationship and Kail fills us all in that they’re going to get a divorce and she already gave Issac a heads up that Javi may be moving to his own house when he comes back from war.  On to daddy #3!

Kail is back on the main land and is chit-chatting with Jo (Baby Daddy #1) about Javi coming home and staying in a hotel the first night.  Jo’s been really good these days and is letting Kail know if she needs any help to let hime know.  I wonder if he meant, like, help with a rap career?  Eh, that’s neither here nor there.  For real, Jo wants Issac and Lincoln to still be able to hang out and be friends even after the “divorce.”  Jo (after 19 seasons) finally said something that made me laugh, which was, “I feel like I’m inheriting your baby daddy.”  Slow claps all around.  They then both decide to blame all of Kail’s relationship problems on just “bad luck” and not “Suzi.”  Lame.

It was kind of a heart-wrenching scene where Kail was trying to explain to Issac where Javi will be living and then it got way worse when she told him that Lincoln was going to stay with his dad for a while week and Issac looked so confused and then says, “with me too?” and Kail says “no we’ll talk about it tomorrow.”  Ugh that totally sucked.  I don’t think I want to see the actual moment on a kids face when they’re officially traumatized for life. Boo all around.

You know who totally doesn’t care if Javi is back home from “da war?”  Yep, Kail.  Sure she helped the kids make a sign and then stand directly in front of the door and scream “SURPRISE” in his face until he messes his pants because he’s tricked into thinking that the ghost of Saddam is about to play a quick game of “catch the bomb” with him, but it’s Kail that doesn’t seem overly excited.  The kids couldn’t be more thrilled.  Issac is showing off that sign and ready to give hugs to anyone and everyone that’ll love him (watch out for the clowns, kid).  The other kid (Shecky?) is like “Hey” and then wants to just point to junk in the house.  Ahhh kids.  Anyway,  Javi is excited to take the kids to camp (is that like RHONJ Teresa ‘camp?’) and also wants to show Kail the new car he bought.  I’m sorry, did he purchase that car in Tajikistan and then let it sail across the mighty Atlanta ocean on the way home?  As you can tell I have no clue how wars work or oceans, for that matter.  Kail eye-rolls the car convo and then when Javi kindly asks if he can use the car seats, Kail says “no” and that he needs to get his own.  He’s all like, “yeah totally I will, but for right this second can I use yours” and then Kail says she can bring them to camp on her car.  He then asks if he can ride with them.  She says no, but lovingly lets him know that he can follow them to camp in his car.  So for those of you playing along at home, everything is already going awesome and love is clearly in the air.

In the end, Kail changes her mind and lets Javi take the carseats.  So they all drive together to “camp” and awkwardly talk about how Issac probably won’t have his own room at Javi’s new house.  Super up-lifting.

Jenelle – Via Las Orlando!  Jenelle and David take Jace and Maryssa (?) to Orlando for a little vacation.  I love when they try to be a family with kids that are technically theirs, but not the ones that live with them on the regular.  It’s almost like they’re young grandparents.  Does that make sense?  I really want it to.  Anyway, Jace is having a blast at Legoland, which I’m typing but am not actually sure I ever saw him smile while he was there.  I’m sure if Mickey was there he’d just eye-roll him and give the camera the finger.  Also, Legoland looks kind of creepy.  There were Lego people on jet-skis with giant felt heads.  I feel like they smell like a musty basement, but that’s just me.  Jenelle is having such a good time that she wants to keep Jace for an extra week even after the trip is over, well, as long as her “mom says it’s ok.”  My mom will drop us off if your mom will pick us up!  Even though it’s been 14 seconds since Jenelle and Nathan signed their mediation documents sharing custody of Kaiser, she already wants to head back to court, but even her lawyer is like, “Uh give it more than 10 minutes, bricks.”

Later we get to enjoy some scenes with Nathan being a father to Kaiser.  So that’s cool.  They both have the same size head, so that’s odd.  All of Nathan’s friends end up coming over and they all walk into the front door sideways and are sporting t-shirts that are 10 times too small for them. Like regular bros do, they all chit-chat about custody agreements and relationships and Nathan mentions he’s happy with the agreement and says that Jenelle has been so cool and flexible lately.  The “bros” decide that it’s because Jenelle is still obsessed with Nathan and is in love with him.  The one “bro” said, “Dude it’s the most obvious thing in this whole love story.”  Love story.  Yeah, so that’s when it hit me that in “their world” alllllll of this crap is considered a “love story.”  Imagine? They then all cackle and squeal with delight when one of them says, “Well, either that or maybe she’s pregnant.”  Oh if they only knew.  I mean, they should assume.  We should all just always assume.  After she has a baby just assume that 3 months after giving birth she’s knocked-to-the-up again.  It’s a good exercise and helps us all with math.  Right?

Sadly we won’t see Barb this episode, but we do get to hear her beautiful voice over the phone as she and Jenelle scream at each other about sending Jace back to Barb once the trip is over.  Jenelle wants to keep him for the week, but Barb already paid $150 for daycare so….. Uh, why didn’t Jenelle just say, “Oh, well, I’m on a TV show so I can give you the $150…or I’ll just do one Instagram ad where I make about $10K and I’ll give you the $150 from that.”  Missed opportunity.  Barb keeps screaming and after Jenelle says that Jace should live with her for the rest of his life Barb says they can “fight it out in court.”  Apparently David and Jenelle thinks that is the craziest thing Barb ever said and so Barb hangs up.  They spend the rest of the car ride asking Jace if he’d rather go to daycare or live with them and Jace goes, “Well I like daycare it’s really fun.  We play tennis and stuff.” So there’s that.  He then says he’ll miss “mommy” and by that he meant “Barb” and so Jenelle says, “Well it’s not like you’ll never see her again.  She only lives an hour away.” An hour a way to a little kid is likes saying, “Christmas only 4 days away!” and to them that’s like 11 years.  Blah, dysfunction everywhere!

Chelsea – Gave herself an at-home ultrasound.