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Teen Mom 2: Jenelle’s Gonna Put Her Own Nose in the Corner If She Can’t Get to the Gym

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Jenelle – Apparently moving day lasts 6-weeks because Jenelle and David are still moving into their new house.  Oh, and did I mention that the phrase that pays is “the land.”  These two are really loving having “the land” and a house on “the land” and a place like “the land.”  I mean, what’s so great about the land?  Is it like an ancient burial ground?  Can they eventually build a casino on it?  The land is dirt.

One of the things that I always forget about in these newer seasons is how much I used to hate on the older seasons when the kids were freaking out and screaming and crying.  I used to mute it and look around my apartment, you know, for sport.  Well I was totally reminded of that again because Kaiser was losing his mind in the car when David called Jenelle on the phone.  He was sassin’ and frettin’ and spittin’ and Jenelle was absolutely losing her mind.  I knew she wasn’t going to crash the car, however, because she never yelled “Duuude” at anyone that would listen.  That’s a sure sign that she’s still ok.  But I mean, man, that Kaiser can really cry. David was yelling at him through the phone that he was going to have to “put his nose in the corner” if he didn’t stop crying. Is that like drug lingo?  It didn’t matter because he just kept crying.

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So, for old time sake, I muted my TV and closed my eyes and thought about some of my favorite Hills episodes.  When I came to Kaiser had stopped screaming and I’m not really sure how much of the episode I missed.  I’ll assume like 45 minutes.  Also, why MTV won’t bring back The Hills like other networks are doing with their shows is a real missed opportunity.  MTV will always be known as the girl who never went to Paris.  Speaking of that, I used to rehearse in my head that if I ever ran into Lauren Conrad on the streets of New York I would stop her say, “You’re the girl who never went to Paris, right??” and strangers would applaud me.  Ok, back to the show….

You know who else, besides me, seems to be a bowl full of coo-coo?  Jace.  Barb, sadly, was only on for about 11 seconds this episode (shakes fist at sky), but it was enough time for Jace to start telling her tall tales in the back seat about somehow spitting ice out the window and having it hit Barb in the mouth or some-such. He could have been rattling off all the gifts he wants for Christmas this year.  It was hard to tell. Barb then tries to explain that she’d choke and need the Heimlich and then she had to explain to Jace what that actually was.  She kind of explained it wrong and so I don’t really think they’ll ever survive a choking situation.  Bless.

Later, Jenelle is chit chatting with that one producer lady who I kind of love more than “the land.”  Big J is pretty tired from having to take care of “dem babies” and she really just wants to go to the gym.  For real, I thought maybe it was just a phase but she kept all the gym talk going for the remainder of the episode.  In fact, by the end of the episode she and David get into a brawl in the car after they picked up his daughter from school (where is the mother?!) about wanting to go the gym and not being able to.  I think David thought she must have been saying that she can’t blink correctly because he loses his mind and tells her to come up with a gym plan and stick to it.  Jenelle looks like she misses Keiffah right at that very minute.  It was such simpler times of smokin’ da weed in front of Barb’s house and not having any kids (except Jace, but….)

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Brianna – Looks like Brandon and Theresa must not be answering their phone because I’m pretty sure they don’t want to buy Briana’s baby from her like they did with iCarly 1.0.  Their loss.  This won’t, however, slow down Briana with her master plan to see who in the hell wants this baby because it’s clearly not her.  She fills in her sister (his her name Britney?) that she’s going to swing by the good old adoption agency because she has a bunch of questions.  Her sister (our unsung hero) is as supportive as ever and even took the day off from work to go to this appointment with her.  Somehow they get to talking about who they would want to adopt the baby and they decide it should either be two lesbians or two gay dads.  In fact, Britney says she wishes she had two gay dads so she could come home, take a shower, and then kiki with them all night.  For real everyone including the camera people started laughing.  Someone give this chick her own spinoff please!  Or maybe she and Barb can go on a road trip together.  You’re welcome MTV.

Was it just me or was the adoption lady (1) like 18 years old and (2) way too calm to be on television?  She gave Brianna what all her options were, but I didn’t hear her even mention Brandon and Theresa so that was pretty disappointing.  It seems as though Brianna wants to sell this baby even without Luis’ permission.  Honestly if Luis wants the baby so badly why doesn’t she just give it to him and he can be the father and the mother?  Problem solved!  If that doesn’t work I guess she just needs to send Luis a document and if he doesn’t fill it out within 30 days she’s allowed to basically put the baby in a whicker basket and send it up the river like Moses.  Any Catholics in the house?  Crickets.

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In the end, Brianna meets up with Luis at (shocker) another fast food place where everything and everyone looks like a grease machine.  She still tries to convince him adoption is the way to go, but he doesn’t really want to.  I mean, if she ends up keeping this kid for real I feel bad for the day when they sit down to watch this and is like, “This is when mommy spent 4 episodes trying to get rid of you.” Ugh.  What happen to the olden days when you could just drop a newborn off at the firehouse in the middle of the night whilst wearing a disguise and then head to the bar to drink your sorrows away.  Just me?

Leah/Kail – I’m combing these two because, well, MTV pretty much did so why shouldn’t I?  Both of these wonders are dealing with #CollegeLife issues.  Kail is trying to just finish her last 60 days so she can graduate and then get a job where she makes 99% less than what MTV is paying her to be on Teen Mom 2.  The kicker is that she’s currently taking 7 classes and is falling behind.  I felt bad for her until I heard one class was legit “gym” and another one was basically an online course where you play Oregon Trail for your final.  If you’re a banker from Boston, don’t get robbed by thieves in the middle of the night, and don’t die of dysentery…you get an “A!”

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Leah is also struggling to keep up too.  Apparently her commute to college is over an hour and she’s also busy with that new lipstick Facebook business. I mean.  Also, did she not know the college was so far away?  Did the college move?  Anyway, she’s going to look into dropping all her classes this semester and taking online courses next.  Yep, there’s the kiss of death right there!  That plan has never worked for anyone in the history of anyone.

It was nice to see Leah and Kail talking on the phone together.  I love a cross-over episode.  Leah’s littlest child photobombs Facetime with Kail and shouts “I know you from Teen Mom!”  She then slaps Leah in the face and runs away.  All in all, I like her.  Leah ends up meeting with her advisor to talk about the commute and dropping all her classes.  Her advisor looked suspect and I wasn’t sure why his desk was pretty much empty.  Was he going to, like, try to give her a physical exam or something?  Poor Leah ends up crying after he says it’ll probably take her 6.5 years to finish. I felt bad for her.  I mean, I also feel bad for all of West Virginia all the time so what can you do?

In the end, Kail made it to her final presentation which she was so nervous about.  It was only in front of two professors and her advisor (no students) and was filmed so not sure what the stress was about.  Oh, also her presentation was about “Branding” and so she made a video about how she branded herself for MTV.  Was it just me or did she make it seem like she got on 16 & Pregnant as part of plan to brand herself?  I mean.  She also spoke about Oprah so I was all ears.  Everyone loved it.  I’m confused about what college is really all about these days.  Did I go at the wrong time?  It seems so easy now!

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Chelsea – Talked about Adam being on meth and won’t give up that top-knot.

Since We Didn’t See Barb Too Much This Episode, Watch This!

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