Teen Mom 2: Alarm Clocks ARE Tricky!

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Welcome to another week of Teen Mom 2.  At this point I feel like we’re on episode 349, but that may just be me.  Here’s what I like best about Teen Mom 2:  I write about them on the regular and judge them like Judy, but you totally know they make more money then me (and all of you combined).  What’s odd is that you can see Jenelle living in a nice house and driving a nice car, but then you see Leah looking like she’s about one dye-job away from registering the whole family for the local homeless shelter, which I believe is actually just the state of West Virginia.  Hey oh!

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Speaking of our favorite mom, Leah is really struggling this week.  First off, her newscaster hairdo is falling a little flatter than I would like.  Second, it looks like she hasn’t slept since 16 & Pregnant.  Plus that rando third kid, Alika Benisha Atalia, is ‘sassin’ and frettin’” while at some dump bag restaurant.  I love how all the kids, regardless of the father, are basically Leah’s mom from the nose up.  Leah is two seconds away from a live-spanking and I’m nervous for the kid so I just start yelling at my TV, “Don’t fret none!  Don’t fret none!”  I’m trying to use words and sayings that “the third one” will know so she behaves and doesn’t get punished (which I’m pretty sure means that Leah plugs in two curling irons and then makes the bad kids hold them like ski poles and run around the house).

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You know things are always going to go in our favor when Leah heads to her lawyer, y’all!  And this trip to the lawyer, which is of course in a house with bad wallpaper, doesn’t disappoint.  They’re talking about the girls being “tardy” for school.  You totally know Leah only knows that word because I’m sure Kim Zolciack’s “Don’t Be Tardy for the Party” plays on a loop on Leah’s iPod.  And, yes, I said “iPod.”  Either way, Leah legit says that “Yeah sometimes them girls is tardy for school cuz I have a hard time hearings my alarm clock go off.”  I’m sorry, what now?  Is it just that there’s constant screaming in the house so Leah assumes the alarm is more fighting?  Side note, I’m definitely going to try to use that excuse at work.  I’ll just start showing up late and be like, “Sorry I have a hard time hearing that dang old alarm, y’all!”  See you on the streets!

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After a nice talk on bullying with her lawwwwyer, Leah decides to call Corey the Human Camo Beaver to let him know she will not be letting the girls live with him for odd days during the week.  As expected, Corey wasn’t having it.  He was pissed that Ataki Pataki missed therapy because the other girl with the “A” name is puking and coughing her brains out.  Then the conversation gets REALLY good because Corey is saying that Leah is a shitty mom, her house isn’t stable, and that she and Jeremy fight so much that the girls run scared into the laundry room and hide.  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.  And, no, not because the girls are scared, but because NOW we finally have proof that Leah has a laundry room!  I bet she doesn’t even know she has it.  She’s like, “If God wanted us to have clean clothes He’d magically make them self-cleaning y’all!”

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Corey is all fired up in his “scenes” with his wife who is so blonde my TV had a hard time adjusting.  He’s actually more articulate than we’ve ever seen him before and, I have to say, I kinda believe him.  Why would he make this up?  I mean, he’s newly married with no “new kids.”  Why would he want to take in two kids during the week just for the fun of it?  Also, wasn’t Corey’s dad’s wife named “Joe-setta” or something like that?  I mean that doesn’t have to do with anything, but I was wondering because I miss  her.

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Meanwhile, Kail is peacing out from her messy life and going to LA with her friend, Sterling, and Sterling’s mom and friend.  We’ll get to them in a second.  Javi is trying to play it cool like he doesn’t mind she’s going on vacation, but you know, you knoooow, he’s going to be crazy texting in a few minutes.  It’ll be something like:


“Answer me.”

“Where are you?”

“Answer me, you bitch.”

“You are the worst mother.”

“Don’t come home.”

“Come home.”

“I miss you.”

“You bitch.”

I’m not sure entirely how it works, but did I just basically write a haiku or poem of some sort?  Either way, Kail is like “feets don’t fail me now” and jets off to sunny Los Angles so she can test out if she’s famous there too or just in her hometown (and my life).  Spoiler Alert:  The trip is basically a bust.  BUT, you know what was the highlight for me?  The car ride with Kail, Sterling, her mom and mom’s friend.  These women.  These glorious women.  Sterling’s mom may or may not have literally been Tamra from the Real Housewives of Orange County.  She was done up like there was no tomorrow.  You totally know she stopped off at the Macy’s makeup counter for a free makeover because she was going to be on TV.  And her mom’s friend was just as glorious…just not as orange.  I love that we live in today’s society where people equate beauty with an actual orange face.  It’s like there are so many races out there, but you know which color we’re missing for skin tone?  Orange.  F**king orange.  It’s like, “Thanks for making me, God, but you forgot to make me orange.  Nice try though.  I’ll just take it from here.”

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As expected, Javi is texting Kail a million times and she basically won’t answer him.  Sterling is getting her equally orange face involved in this by telling Kail to ignore him.  Here’s the thing.  Sure he may be a stalking mess, but why is Kail acting like her going on vacation means that she shouldn’t have to talk to her husband.  Moreover, wouldn’t she want to hear from him if this was a healthy relationship?  Exactly.  People waste more time in unhealthy situations and make their lives miserable.  Run, I say, RUN!

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On a lighter note, I loved how Kail and Sterling are eating outside while the paparazzi shoot them and the MTV camera crew is filming their every move.  I think it’s a great strategy.  I said Chelsea should be moving to LA and doing this exact thing.  It’s way more fun to watch these goons live life NOT in their small hometowns where it seems to forever be winter.  Every season.  Winter.  It’s like, show us some scenes on a nice spring or summer day.  It’s always so depressing.  Also, I wonder what Sterling’s mom is doing when everything else is being filmed?  I bet she’s hitting up the Ivy and staying for a reeeeaaaaallllly long time so she feels famous with a camera crew.  No shade, I’d do the same.  I mean, I’d hire a fake camera crew just to follow me there and, you know, make me feel important.

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By the end, Kail’s trip is ruined because, as we all guessed, Javi kept texting her and saying she was a bad mom and should come home.  Personally I think these two are gearing up for a Dr. Drew Celebrity Marriage Rehab Palooza on VH1…or one of those shows.  But you know what, we don’t care.  Get a divorce.  Don’t get a divorce.  Make a pie.  Whatever.  As Kail is driving home from the airport, Sterling calls her and basically tells her that her mom is pissed because she spent all this money and planned this trip and Kail ruined everyones life…in general.  So, Kail ends up calling Javi and letting him know he’s ruined everyones life….in general.  These two lovebirds!

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We’re now on what I believe is year 5 of Jenelle trying to “get Jace back.”  This sure takes a long ass time.  Sadly, we only get to see Barb for about 45 seconds in this episode, but we get to hear her a lot over the phone (and in my dreams).  Barb got her court papers from Jenelle in the mail letting her know that Jenelle is trying to get full custody again.  There was some weird voiceover from Barb as we watched her open her mail. I call BS on this scene but, really, who cares?  Right?

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Did Jenelle have something done to her face?  Her chest, I know.   But her face is looking different.  Not bad, just different.  Although there are always little glimpses of Barb I see in Jenelle which makes me happy.  Very happy.  Anyjunk,  Jenelle rings up Barb on the telephone to see why she scheduled a meeting with Jace’s teacher during the only time she can’t make it because she’s in school all day.  Barb is like, “I had to do it on my day off….but I know you’re suing me for custody so I don’t know if we’ll conference you in to this parent/teacher meeting.”  Jenelle smiles because she knows this is being filmed and can probably used against our beloved Barb.  Also, this Barb/teacher meeting is basically happening because Jace is a terror on wheels in school.  I can’t image why.

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After Jenelle screams at Barb that she will NEVER see Jace again after she has custody (how’s your broken record?) Barb hangs up on her.  Why aren’t these conversations taking place in person?  You know if they were they’d escalate and Barb would start her classic screaming and crying.  Why MTV doesn’t make this part of their contract is beyond me.  Get your sh*t together MTV!  Anyway, apparently later Barb and Jenelle text and she will let Jenelle conference into the meeting.  So business-like!  So Jenelle does and Barb is like, “Uhhhh yaw late.  We aaaah finishin’ up da talk wif da teachaaaah.”  I mean not really, but close.  The convo is as dysfunctional as you’d imagine because they’re basically fighting with each other about custody and not really about Jace and his problems.  She did mention that her genius boyfriend, Nathan, has diagnosed Jace with ADD, but the teacher and Barb both don’t think so.   I think so.  In fact I think everyone has ADD.  In other news, I also think most people suffer from OPP and PYT.  All the letter diseases!

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The teacher/Barb try to tell Jenelle that Jace is better in a stable environment.  I say stop right there.  Remove the word “environment.”  Jace is better in a stable.  See?  Better.  They also think he won’t do well in a public school.  Why?  Do they allow weapons in a public school?  Because that’s the only reason why I’d keep him away from one.  Either way, Jenelle ends up discussing this with Nathan who is oddly quiet and monotone and is refusing to fight with Jenelle over all of this.  In fact, he’s changing his tune and saying that Jenelle shouldn’t just rip Jace out of Barb’s house since she’s been raising him for 5 years and that Barb should be able to visit him every other week.  Two things.  1.  Sometimes when I type “Barb” I accidentally type “Barn.”  2.  I want Barb to move to NYC with me.  Think about it, Barb/Barn!

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Chelsea has interesting friends.

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