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Teen Mom 2: Briana Wants to Sell Her Baby to Brandon and Theresa

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Briana –  We pick up right where we basically left off last week…in a greasy burger joint waiting to hear if Luis was playing “hide the boom boom” on Briana.  Either MTV fast-forwarded through that scene or I blacked out because when I came to Briana was back home filling in her mom and sister (genuflect, genuflect) on what Luis has been up to lately.  At first they thought she was going to tell them she was having twins (please, that would be the least of her problems right now).  She finally tells them that he’s been cheating on her this whole time.  First, they look shocked.  The sister (whose name I can never remember, but I like her enough to get her tattooed across my forehead) throws down the keys and wants to know where he lives because she’s going to beat him up (after-school-style).  Roxanne is beside herself and his crying and freaking and saying that this is going to kill her.  I was kinda like, “Have they even actually met him yet?”  It’s been only a month.  Poor Roxanne. Literally.  She’s crying and freaking and reminds me of that one random woman on Orange is the New Black who’s always on the pay-phone in the background crying to whomever she’s talking to.  Gold.

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By now we all really know that Briana isn’t playing.  I mean, she is Roxanne’s daughter after all.  I wouldn’t cross her. Well maybe I would cross her, but I definitely wouldn’t cross Roxanne or the sister (name to still be determined).  Luis is heading over to the apartment because he signed an MTV contract and he’s obligated to be humiliated on national television on the double. Right before he gets to the top of the stairs you can totally read it on his face that this show was more fun to watch at home than be on.  Just ask Matt (from Matt & Amber).

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In what is really odd and up close closeups, Briana confronts Luis again about his cheating.  She really seems upset and surprised he’d do this to her but, truth be told, what did she expect when she allegedly bumped naughty-no-no in “da club” with “da stranger?”  Again, hasn’t it only been a month!?  You should just be grateful that he hadn’t robbed her (yet).   What can she really know about him?  Also, who cares?  This makes for good television.  Either way, Briana lets Luis know that he really F’d up and that she doesn’t want to be with him anymore.  She also takes the time to basically give a Webster’s Dictionary definition on what “co-parenting” is and also lets him know that she doesn’t want to do that with him either.  Luis, on the other hand, wants to be around the baby 24/7 so simple math alerts me that these two aren’t on the same page.  In other news, I’m terrible at math.

Briana decides she’s going to drop the adoption bomb on him and asks Luis what his thoughts are on going the route of iCarly 1.0. It really could have been their best bet (amongst other possible solutions), but I guess we wouldn’t really be seeing much of Briana on Teen Mom 2 unless she was “with child.”  It’s a real catch-22.  As a side note, how awesome would it have been if she was like, “I know this couple named Brandon and Theresa and they may want to adopt this baby.”  I would have paid top dollar.  And by “top dollar” I of course mean “I would have liked her status on Facebook if she said it.”  Also, Luis looks itchy.

Luis decides there’s no way he’s going to let her give the baby up to Brandon and Theresa, but Briana claims that she can’t guarantee that he’ll be there to help and how she can’t raise two kids on her own.  He literally starts basically spewing out Destiny’s Child lyrics at her and says, “You are a strong independent woman and you can do it.”  No really.  He did.  Even she was like, “I can do it?  2 kids?!”  He’s like, “Yeah.” All that was missing was the chorus to Bugaboo and I would have been set for life.  Here’s the thing.  Briana actually seems like a smart girl so I can’t seem to figure out how she got herself into this pickle. Between that and Butch back on crack I don’t know what to make of this world.  Someone please tell me that April isn’t back on the Twisted Teas again!

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In the end, even though Briana doesn’t want to be with Luis anymore she lets him stay for a lunch with Roxanne and the sister.  It’s awkward as hell.  Roxanne makes him serve himself because she says no one here wants to serve him and the sister won’t scream at him because Nova (the daughter) is around.  She then says she doesn’t not like him right now she’s just mad at him.  Briana turns her head and cries whilst Roxanne and the sister try to explain to Luis what the F is going on.  I was really hoping the sister would do the snake, the Roger Rabbit, and then just start throwing haymakers at Luis.  I guess Briana wanted that too because she left the apartment crying and just sat on the stairs and cried whilst the producer comforted her.  I think she’s a good addition to this cast.

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Jenelle – Oh so that whole breakdown last week where Jenelle was freaking out in the parking lot of the hotel, motel, Holiday Inn (say what!) was all for nothing because she legit exits the parking lot and says in her voiceover that she didn’t end up needing to stay there because David got the keys to their rental house.  Score.  They all go into the temp-housing-authority like nothing ever happened and David is being overly nice to Kaiser as if we didn’t see him basically drop him on to the tile last week.

David explains to Jenelle that he was frustrated because he was busy packing up and moving furniture and “when you’re moving furniture that is no place for a baby or a pregnant lady.”  He made it sound like it was one of those “Pregnant women can’t drink alcohol” signs that are in every bar across America (and in some parts of Alabama).  He then tells Jenelle that he loves her, that she’s the love of his life and so is Kaiser.  Um awkward on so many levels.  First of all, he can’t marry baby Kaiser and second of all, uh, what about Jace?  Rude.  That poor kid can’t catch a break. Or a ball from what I hear.  Hey-oh!  That’s right I just zing’d a little innocent child.   Take THAT society!

Later, we get only about 5 seconds of Barb which is 59 minutes and 55 seconds too little and I’m angry.  I’m angry at MTV. I’m angry at God.  I’m just plain old angry.  At least she was playing baseball in the yard with Jace and he almost took her beautiful little head off with the ball.  Sigh.  God forbid something happened to Barb!  Who would slice that damn deli meat at the Walmart, Jenelle (ya lil b*tch!).

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After that Jenelle and David are out eating crap food and talking about ONCE AGAIN going back to mediation with Nathan because ONCE AGAIN he wants more custody and ONCE AGAIN Jenelle doesn’t want him to because ONCE AGAIN he’s been arrested and ONCE AGAIN the police claim there are all empty beer bottles and other trashy garbage around his humble abode.  Jenelle only wants Kaiser to go over there every few weeks and to be supervised by Nathan’s mom.  So basically, just insert baby daddy, child’s name, and the latest arrest report and you too can choose your own Jenelle adventure.

We quickly get to court for mediation and if I had a dime for every time I’ve seen Jenelle pregnantly walking into a courthouse…well you know the math on that.  Nathan won’t talk to the cameras on the way in, but on the way out he is one Chatty Kathy (not to be confused with a Chatty Kerthy).  Jenelle basically got everything she wanted and Nathan is complaining to one of our favorite producers that Jenelle is a spoiled brat and how she’ll just drag all this court drama on for years and years. The producer was pretty good when she was like, “Well then why did you tell Jenelle over text you were going to give up custody…that doesn’t seem too smart.”  Good for her.  I love her almost as much as I love Kerthy. Unless she is Kerthy?  It’s hard to really know at this point.

Kail – Kail is sleeeeepy these days. Or pregnant. Or both. Either way she cut her hair and I really needed her to go about 8 inches shorter so she could trick the producers into thinking she was Suzi.  Ugh I wish.  Javi swings by to pick up Abraham Lincoln II and he tries to make it seem like he actually likes Kail.  He wants to give her a side hug and she says, and I quote, “Oh F no.  Don’t be fake.”  He sort of laughs and I moonwalk back from my bathroom because I feel a-fight-a-brewin’ and I’m allll in.  I’ll piss my britches if I have to.  Anyway, Javi starts things off by letting Kail know she needs to check the expiration dates in her fridge and she freaks the F out.  He then takes what I assume is a half urine sample and slowly drinks it on her couch all whilst he tells her the story of how he “might” be going to back to fight the Korean War if the United States finishes their war time machine.  I’m confused.

Either way, Kail yells at him because he admits that he already told the boys about the possibility and how he cried in front of them.  Kail looked at him like he just told her there are no similarities between her and the Cowardly Lion.  Eh, I guess that would make me more mad than her, but there was a joke about courage in there somewhere.  She yells at him repeatedly for telling the boys something that may never happen.  Javi does his best to apologize and tell her she’s right, but she just takes to her phone and Javi looks like he welcomes the calm of actual war combat.  Kail was kind of right for telling him he should have never told the kids until it became real and I thank her for yelling because without that we’re forced to try and sit through Leah sitting through math class and, well, that scene alone may have made me cut her from this recap.  We’ll see.

In the end, Kail talks to her friend “Soul Sister” on the phone about breaking up with the guy she was seeing (but wasn’t showing on the show) and decided she doesn’t want to date anyone anymore.  Her friend tells her to try women and Kail says she already has.  Good for her.  I hope it was Rosie.  At the end of her scenes Kail is on the phone and her friend spills the beans that Kail is pregnant.  Kail is saying she’s so tired and her friend goes “that’s because you’re so pregnant” and Kail freaks and quietly says “I’m filming right now!” and then things got even more awkward.  It was pretty comical actually.  I’m talking about the pregnancy.

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Chelsea/Leah – Aubrey loses her mind and Leah goes to math class.

Programming Note:  Next week I will be on “the vacation” and will, sadly, not be recapping TM2.  Therefore I suggest you follow the IBBB fanpage here on Facebook and discuss until you’re blue in the face (and keyboard).

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