Teen Mom 2: Choose Your Own Adventure?

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Well.  Hello (ahem) everyone.  How are (ahem) you?  Please, take a seat.  I have some sad/horrific (horrific: meaning, less than terrific whore news) news to share with you.  I’m currently in San Diego (that’s in California, just north of the United States and south of Tibet) and, well, would you believe that my hotel does not have “the MTV” that all the kids are wild about?  Luckily, back in NYC my DVR must be dry-humping with my remote control and “taping” all my favorite shows.  Therefore, this weeks Teen Mom and, brace yourself, Jersey Shore will be lacking, shall we say?  We shall.

However, as the Bill of Rights clearly states, when God closes one door He opens a window because, you know, a nice breeze is refreshing.  Therefore, nevertheless, hereto, moreso, and so on I have been able to see a brief clip of Jenelle from this weeks show thanks to the magic of MTV.com  So, here’s what went down in the 1 minute 48 second “sneak peak” of Jenelle having the cutest little emotional breakdown that money can buy:

  • Ding! Ding! Ding!  It’s Mike, the almost-new Butch, and most importantly Barb’s male companion.  Oh, and there’s his teeth too!  Let’s take a minute to clear our minds and envision Barb really “doubling down” on Mike all sexy-like whilst she sports her blue long-sleeve-cotton-blend-microfiber-Old-Navy-performance-fleece shirt.  How’s that imagine doing?  Now picture Barb taking out her dentures and really going to town with some good old New England-style oral pleasure.  I’m kidding.  I’m sure her teeth aren’t dentures.
  • Anyway, Mike is all pissed off at Jenelle because she’s the type of mom that makes Amber look like Mrs. Cleaver (you know, Beaver’s mom?  haha.  Beaver).  Mike claims that Jenelle only watches the baby for a total of 5 hours per week.  What?  I find that hard to believe.  I mean, we’ve witnessed at least 10 hours of Jenelle and Barb fighting over baby pajamas.
  • Jenelle has a moment of clarity and removes herself from the situation and locks herself in her bedroom.  Moments later her new meth-head (allegedly) boyfriend, Keiffer, shuffles off to Buffalo through the livingroom in what I can only assume is his boxer shorts and asks Jenelle permission to enter her room.  Uh oh, grab the condoms because I’m pretty sure Jace 2.0 is about to be created.  I’m joking.  She can’t get pregnant in the mouth.
  • Once in room things really take a turn for the crazy.  First off, Jenelle still has her “da club” bracelet from the night before on one wrist and then on her other wrist she has a few friendship bracelets and, wait for it…wait for it…Silly Bands on the other.  I hope those Silly Bands take the shape of birth control pills.
  • Jenelle is crying because she feels she gets yelled at everyday she is at Barb’s casa de azul shirt and Keiffer lets her know that she brings some of it on herself.  Jenelle then suggests something that I want to do so badly.  She says, “If you think it’s so easy why don’t you try to live with my mom for a couple days.”  Sold!  Seriously, where can I bid on this?  I’m not even past writing a letter claiming I’m from the Make a Wish Foundation to make this happen.
  • Next up, Jenelle takes this opportunity to fish for compliments by saying that she has no one and no one loves her and no one ever hugs her.  Then she claims that Barb never tells her that she loves her.  Excuse me?  I’m pretty sure “Yaw always paaahtyin’ yaw ass off” is “Barb Speak” for “I love you Jenelle, now wash those friggin’ hickeys off yaw neck.”
  • Of course, Keiffer chimes in and states that he’s been hugging her and telling her that he loves her for a while now, which really makes sense since she’s basically been on 2 dates with him and one, well one, consisted of eating ice cream off of a nasty picnic table.
  • Jenelle ends her sob story by stating that Barb calls her the following names:  slut and whore.  For those of you playing at home, BINGO!
  • In order to make Jenelle feel better Keiffer becomes a modern day poet by stating, “Well the past is history and future is a mystery, but now’s a gift that’s why they call it the present.”  I’m sorry, I’m going to need a minute with that.  Wow.  Eesh.  Yowza.  Zoinks.  I’m sorry, what?  And you know he totally stole that off some Myspace page that had glitterati images of Betty Boop kicking her leg with sparkling rose petals falling all over her.  Trash box.  Oh and by the way, everyone took out their lip ring after the 1995 Pearl Jam concert.  Just a heads up.
  • Well folks, that was all I was able to see so why not fill in your favorite parts and recap this episode to the best of your ability in the comments section of this here crapbag blog.  I call this one “paying it forward.”  I just hope a little white boy doesn’t get stabbed in the process.

Related Teen Mom 2 Links:

Jenelle’s Hickeys = 6 More Weeks of Winter
The One With Barb’s Blue Shirt
Teen Mom 2 Season Premiere Recap:  Jenelle Fights Her Mom
Jenelle’s 16 & Pregnant Episode Recap – 2010
Join Jenelle’s Moms Facebook Fanpage