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Teen Mom 2 Finale: The One Where We Only Learn What Happened From Retold Stories

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No I’m not recapping Unseen Moments (genuflect) but feel free to join me on Facebook and post 74,039 posts about it!

Jenelle – Per usual the cameras weren’t there when Barb and Pirate Mike joined superhero forces and knocked down Jenelle’s door to bust her for doing drugs.  Luckily, Barb and Pirate Mike are retelling the story like it’s a “to be continued” episode of Who’s the Boss.  So, in a nutshell, it rocked.  When they rang the doorbell and no one answered, they just walked in.  El Pirate claims he thought he heard someone say “come in.”  It was probably just the parrot on his shoulder doing his best Aladdin impersonation, but I digress.  Once inside they saw them both in bed with a bag of heroin and a needle.  Special K tried to make it seem like it was just marijuana, but this isn’t the first time Pirate Mike’s been around the drug-block so he knew what was up.  I actually felt bad for My Little Barb whilst she was telling this story because her voice was shaking and she was fighting back tears.  Either that or she just had the deli-meat-sweats, but I’ll chalk it up to actual tears.  Moreover (bonus points for using that word), Jace is just sitting at the table listening to this reenactment like he’s at the local middle school play of the Berenstain Bears.  Luckily Barb has decided to go visit the magistrate (??) to see if she can have Jenelle committed.  (1) What the hell is a magistrate and (2) where would you even find one?  Barb says she doesn’t care if Jenelle never talks to her again, but if she can save her life…  Please, I’m sure Barb is banking on the fact that she’ll have Jenelle locked up and not have to talk to her anymore.  I’m sure if Barb could figure it out she’d try to have a 21 year old abortion.  Is that a thing?  Ask Jeeves it.  I’m totally working in “Ask Jeeves it” into my conversations on the regular.  #YouShouldToo

Meanwhile, Jenelle and Special K are retelling their side of the story which seems, well, kinda sorta filled with drugs and foggy details.  They pretty much were like, “Can you believe they barged in when we were just sleeping…after we finished with our prayer circle and meditation routine?”  Gross.  Kieffah was all fired up about Pirate Mike putting his hands on him and “stepping to him.”  Do people still say that?  Special K must be pulling out slang from the grassy knoll which, as we know, never goes out of style.  The story took some weird twists and turns because I’m pretty sure they wanted to press charges on Mike for using the bathroom after they told him no.  And they want to bring Barb up on charges for home invasion.  They should bring her up on charges for taking care of Jenelle’s mistake too.  Why the hell not?  Jenelle is so upset that she hasn’t been able to see Jace for weeks that she told us she “like cried for 30 minutes.”  I mean, did they time it?  Oh also, Pinocchio, I’m sure none of this story ever really happened.  Regardless, Keiffah wants to make one thing clear:  He does not make Jenelle do drugs or put drugs in her face.  They both mutually decide to be trash bags.  In fact, Kieffah wouldn’t really even do drugs if he had the choice but like he says, and I quote, “It’s hard to stay sober because I want to get high.”  Yeah?  And that’s what  a rapist says.  You know what I mean.

Like every other episode, this is turning into an episode of COPS.  This time around, Barb heads over to the Sheriff’s office so she can probably buy a gun (Walmart won’t sell her one) and she can shoot at Kieffah’s feet until he dances from the Electric Slide directly into the Macarena.  She has all her bases covered.  Since the cameras aren’t allowed in anywhere on this show, “minutes later” Barb comes out and calls up Pirate Mike to retell the story.  I actually laughed because Barb goes, “So I said…yeah…you know my daughtah.”  Apparently she didn’t tell the sheriff what kind of drugs Jenelle had during her “forced intervention” but just that she was all strung out.  Barb is a lady after all.  After talking with him for like 10 seconds the sheriff is convinced to go and pick up Jenelle and take her to the hospital.  He barely even made her fill out any paper work, which is great news for Barb because I’m sure her penmanship is like chicken-scratch.  Also, I bet it’s like chicken-snatch, which is a different thing but equally as confusing.  Barb ends her recap with Mike and El Pirate simply says, “Bye-bye baby, love you.” I’m surprised Barb didn’t straddle the steering wheel right then and there.  She would be like, “I’m so God-damn hot and bothaaahhd from dis heeeaaah hot pirate that I’m gonna ride this steerin’ wheel haaaaahhhd.”  I have no idea.  Someone call the magistrate on me!

Oh and since the cameras weren’t allowed inside the mental hospital, Jenelle just gets to retell the story of what happened when she got back from dinner with Special K and the cops made her go to the hospital to be analyzed or face jail.  After 3 hours they just let Jenelle go.  She didn’t seem phased except for the fact that they made her strip down to her Walmart bra and Walmart underwear and then took her cell phone from her.  How can she Facebook then!?  However, with Big J there’s always a silver lining.  You see, she was psyched because her room had its own TV so she was able to catch up on a Teen Mom marathon and then make it home in time to play, “I Gotcha Heroin” which is similar to “I Gotcha Nose” but, you know, with drugs and junk.  Was that not clear?  Regardless and irregardless Jenelle decides she’d remain loyal to her family and not press charges on them.  She is, however, totally willing to drive Kieffah to the sheriff’s office so that he can press charges against them.  Jenelle realizes that this probably means that she won’t be able to see Jace anymore until she “one day” gets custody of him (belly laugh) but she kinda seems like “whatever.”  Go figure.  Kieffah hops on in to press charges and he hops back out with a heroin grin on his face.  Pirate Mike is charged with assault and trespassing and Barb is charged with just trespassing (and assaulting the English language).  Speaking of which, I believe “trespassing” is Spanish for “make three passes.”  Yep, I just check and it is.  FREE BARB!

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In the end, Barb is devastated that Keiffah would press charges against her beautiful a**.  In fact, even the sheriff “burst out laughing” when he was serving Barb with the papers.  I mean this has to be slapstick where these goons are from and, well, I love it.  Sadly Barb is crying because she realized that she lost her lil b*tch of a daughtah and she’ll end up dead from her drugs if she stays with her “junkie-a**-boyfriend.”  Good old Barb, friend ’til the end!  Meanwhile, Kieffah almost half freaks out because he can’t find his pills and once Jenelle finds them and they may or may not have taken them and then they both fall asleep, sitting up, mid-sentence on the couch.  Seems normal.  Good-bye you two.  See you in hell.

Kail – The Cowardly Lion has been engaged for two days so it only makes sense that her wedding will be taking place the following afternoon at 1:30.  A Tuesday wedding?  Quaint.  Javi is all excited because he’s likely to head off to bootcamp or North Korea in the next week and he’s also excited because they get to get married all at the same time.  Dreams are really coming true for this crew.  Since this is just an afternoon weekday wedding, Kail is going to wear a little white dress.  White is fitting since a priest won’t be marrying them and, therefore, can’t work the words “whore” and “unwed mother” into the ceremony.  Kail looks like an angel in white.  The touch, the feel of cotton.  The fabric of the poors.  Issac looked cute in his little vest and shirt…until they put an actual sombrero on him.  Way to hit every stereotype we can in one episode.  Why not have him working a churro machine at the reception while he’s at it?!

It’s a pretty nice cast of characters who show up as witnesses.  Javi’s mom is there and his friend who is totally rocking Denise Huxtable’s hairdo circa season 3 of The Cosby Show.   He was just missing a pudding pop.  Like everything else, no cameras  were allowed inside so we get to see the aftermath of the “ceremony” which consists of Issac crying.  As am I.  As. Am. I.  I was a little pissed that Suzi wasn’t there to throw rice or, you know, bolts at her daughter when she walked down the aisle hallway.  Like any mid-week afternoon wedding of course you celebrate with 2 friends at the local diner.  If it’s not dipped in batter and fried, Kail ain’t (ai-not) eating it.  Anyjunk, the good news keeps on coming because Javi got his “ship date” and he’s leaving in two days.  Kail is sure to make him feel good by letting him know the list of people in his life whose birthdays he’s going to miss.  That’s sweet.  She might as well kick his dog in the ding-dong whilst she’s at it.

Meanwhile, Kail heads back to the frying machine so she can chat with Jo about her wedding that he probably already read about on Twitter.  You know Vee(gina) was all over that.  Jo doesn’t seem phased, but he does wish her 20 years of good luck.  More importantly, where the hell is Janet?  I, per usual, was waiting for her to jump onto the scene doing a class booty bounce whilst I rapped to her, “Hey yo fat girl, come here are you ticklish?  Yeah I called you fat, look at me I’m skinny.  It never stopped me from getting busy.  I’m a freak, I like the boom.  I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.”  Well, you know the rest.  She snaked, Roger Rabbit’d and, of course, got on the floor and did the New Kids dance.  She is a prize, a class act, and a true lady.  She is the light of my life and I one day look forward to being chased up 9th ave on a hot summers day.

In the end, Javi has to pack up his crap and say peace out to his instafamily.  He’s crying.  It gets awkward.  Sure it was a little sad, but I found myself wondering why he was crying his eyes out when saying goodbye to Kail, Issac, his mom, and his brother…and they were all crying…but Kail was half-crying with no visible tears.  Look at what Suzi has turned her into!  You totally know that Kail was ready to whisper in his ear, “So, like, I’m getting that check this week right?”

Leah – Ok folks, here’s the deal.  Leah’s whole episode was about Ali Larter getting a million tests and mini-surgeries performed on her.  It’s all kind of sad and, well, I could use all the good karma points I can collect.  So let’s just skip this part of the recap.  We never really find out exactly what Ali has…but it is narrowed down to some muscle issue and, well, Leah is struggling with all these new words.  I wish Ali the best and I prefer to remember Leah as some trash dumpster who liked to trip-on-d*ck prior to her wedding(s).  See ya, y’all!

Chelsea – Even Aubree was over this sh*t