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Teen Mom 2 Recap: Barb Has Had ENOUGH!

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Remember when you were in high school and had to read a book and just bought the Cliff Notes and called it a day?  Well, welcome to my time machine because I’m currently traveling and so this will be the Cliff Huxtable Notes version of the Teen Mom 2 recap.  Oh, and by that I mean “Please, here have this drink I made and read the short version of the recap….and a Pudding Pop!”  Was that not clear?  Also, I’m away for Labor Day Weekend next week so I may miss TM2 altogether.  Stop yelling.  Thursday nights are tough!

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Anyjunk, this week Barb is FINALLY back and interacting with Jenelle for about 3 minutes.  You know what?  I’ll take 3 minutes over nothing.  Nathan has been out of the slammer for a little bit now and is back to walking correctly, so Jenelle is ready to take him back once the court allows these crazy love birds to be together again.  Apparently Jenelle is changing her tune and is claiming that Nathan never really got physical with her and she told the cops that.  Uh, I’m sorry what now?  I’m pretty sure it was on camera that she told the police that he tried to use her fingers as chopsticks and punched just southeast of her vagiola.  Am I wrong with that?  Either way, maybe society is right?  Maybe he does hit you because he loves you?  Still, Jenelle is simply explaining it away by saying (a couple times) that things just got “dramastic.”  If by “dramastic” she means “dramatic and fantastic” then I 100% agree!

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Later Barb stops on by to Jenelle’s House of Punches (Buy 2 punches, get the 3rd free!), but Barb is not alone.  Oh no she’s not.  She’s with Jenelle’s brother.  Come again?  Jenelle has a brother?  Did we know this?  How many kids does Barb have?  She’s so fertile!  I love it.  I hope she can still take to semen because, if so, I’m ready to spawn with her.

However, Barb isn’t there just to talk about the Red Sox, the Freedom Trail, and the Boston Tea Paaaaaahty. Oh hell no!  She’s made the trip because she heard about Nathan and Jenelle playing a classic round of Ike and Anna Mae and wanted to see if there was any cake left to eat.  But, in this Very Special Episode of Teen Mom 2, Barb decides to not yell at Jenelle for any of this, even though Jenelle tells Barb he barely touched her.  Barb brings us all into her time machine and we go back to what I can only assume is the late 80’s and tells us a story about how Barb stayed with her boooooooyffffrrrriiiieeeeend for so long even though he beat the crap out of her all the time because she was trying to save money and get the house in her name so that she and her kids didn’t have to live in the projects.  Awww.  I actually felt bad for Barb here and figured she has to be one tough Walmart cookie to endure such hell for her kids.  I’d like to see a Lifetime movie about this on the double.

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It’s not all sad, however.  Barb gives us her classic line, “I don’t want these guys draaaagin’ you down, Jenelle.”  And even says the standard, “I told Nathan, you hurt my daughtaaah yaw gonna have to deal with me!”  And she’s not playing.  I’m pretty sure if we see Nathan with a black eye later we can all assume he accidentally answered the deli slicer again.

Barb’s stay was short-lived and Jenelle’s scenes end with her calling Nathan and crying on the phone because he decided that he thought they should see other people.  She literally was crying and begging him to just be with her.  Honestly, was it just me, or were you also thinking, “Ohhh I get it.  Nathan represents the dad who’s not in her life and she’s basically begging him to love her.”  The More You Know…

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Meanwhile in sunny West Virginia, Leah is heading off to a one-month therapy vacation that is not (NOT! NOT! NOT!) a drug rehab place.  She meets with Corey and his beaver wife to let them know about this and Mr. Beav calls her out for knowing that there’s a drug problem there.  Leah won’t admit it and the wife with the blinding blonde hair keeps ask her if she’s admitting she’s been a bad mom.  Ouch!  Are there two balls hiding under that blonde weave?

I like how as Leah is saying that she doesn’t have a drug problem (AT ALL) the next scene is Leah talking to her brother and holding her baby all whilst slurring her words and literally falling asleep mid-sentence.  Why anyone would agree to film right now is beyond me but, you know what, I’m grateful.  She’s slurring that she’s sick to her stomach and then she just closes her eyes and her head falls and her brother is going, “Leah?  Leah?” and then someone off camera comes and takes the baby from her because she’s about to drop her.  Awesome!  Leah is totally fine y’all and there is absolutely not proof she’s anything but anxious.  Perhaps she had one too many Flintstone’s Chewables.  But who hasn’t!?!?

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You know who’s seems like a bit of an enabler?  Leah’s mom.  It must be that crunchy curl connection.  She’s going to be watching one of the kids (I think)  while Corey watches the other two (I think).  Are there other kids we don’t know about?  Who knows.  Her mother is like, “Well Leah I’s tolds ya I knows you ain’t got no crazy drug problem cuz ifs I’s thought that I’s calls up Corey myselfs!”  I’m sorry you can’t talk like that.  It’s illegal.  At least it will be under Trump, so think about THAT.

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Leah’s mom is taking her to the airport and Leah is wheeling her luggage out of the house when it completely opens and all her stuff falls about because she never zipped it up in the first place.  Meth, it’s a helluva drug!  Here’s the thing, I actually feel really bad for the kids.  Leah is trying to explain to them that she’s going away for a month and will call them every night.  Both are hugging her and don’t want her to go.  It sucks.  I don’t like watching that.  Where’s Barb to call them ‘little bitches’ when you need her?!

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Oh and Kail’s ex, Jo, moved into a house two blocks up from where she and Javi (and Javi’s mini-moped) live…and Chelsea and her boyfriend bought a pig for Aubree.  For real.  So that’s where that is.

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