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Teen Mom 2 Recap: Jenelle Tells Jace the Tale of How Barb Became His Mother

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Well folks, we’re at yet another season finale for Teen Mom 2.  It seems like just 200 episodes ago the season started and now we’re at the close.  While we’re all shedding tears over that, it can only mean that Teen Mom OG must be right around the corner and we’ll all be back together again before you know it! In the meantime, here’s what and who went down last night:

Jenelle – We’re fresh off the fight from last week (yes I didn’t get a chance to recap it, stop yelling) where Jenelle screams at Barb for not “nourishing” her and Barb laughs her head off just before calling her “a lil b*tch who never drove me to the hospital!” so you know we’re all in for a treat this week.  Oh, and side note, how awesome was it when Jenelle was telling Barb about all the nightmares she’s been having lately and Barb just goes, “Oh Jenelle you’re watchin’ too much of that Walking Dead movie, er, show!”  Anyway, there’s your recap and basically all that happened last week.

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This week, Jenelle and David are gassing up their car and taking any kids that they currently have for the weekend so they can go fishing and basically eat trout in the world’s dirtiest lake.  There’s just one problem, Kaiser won’t stop crying and no one can seem to figure out why.  For those of you playing along at home, if you guessed “Because he’s 1 year’s old!?” you’d be correct. Everyone is all stressed out and at one point during the car ride David yells at Jace for screaming and told him to stop acting like a girl.  So there’s that.  That poor kid can’t catch a break.

The “boat” that they’re all taking out fishing is really magical.  It’s basically a Disney cruiseliner but, you know, for the poors.  It’s actually worse than the boat Mr. Miagi would take Daniel-son out on to teach him karate or ka-ra-te as I like to pronounce it.  This thing is as rusted out as Barb’s downstairs business, one would assume.  Of course they’re missing one life jacket and a fire extinguisher so they have to call David’s friend to drive it up to the woods.  What kind of fire do they plan on having in this tin death trap?  Plus they’re surrounded by water so if the boat catches fire, uh, just get in the water.  Plus, it’s like maybe you’ll be down a couple of kids and that’s prob not the worst thing, right?  Too soon?  I jest.

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The whole time Kaiser is crying and screaming and everyone is acting like they never heard a baby crying before when they’re 1.  Then I was like, ohhh wait.  They probably haven’t.  I don’t think any of them had custody of their kids at that age.  I think they’re just used to going from “exiting the vagiola” to “1st grade.”  I actually feel bad for Kaiser because if the cameras weren’t there I have a feeling a little old abuse would be taking place, like leaving him in the car until they got back from gross fishing.

Alas they finally set sail in the pond and  I’m not sure if we ever really see them with fishing rods.  We do see Jenelle yelling at Kaiser to stop crying because he’ll “scare the fish.”  Next thing you know they’re back on dry land and cooking hot dogs on what I can only assume are stones that have been sitting in the sun all day.  I surely hope everyone is looking forward to hot dog squirts in the car ride home!

Just when everyone is enjoying themselves in monotone, Barb is texting that she needs Jace back home by 6pm.  Jenelle tells her that they’re just finishing up their “bbq” and will head back after that, but may not be home by 6pm on the dot.  David decides to throw a b*tch fit and text Barb that she should meet them halfway so they don’t have to drive Jace all the way to her house.  Also, did anyone notice that he texted her as “Barb?”  It really warms my heart that they may all be reading this here little old blog.  Hello everyone!  Anyway, David is all pissed off that Barb responds that she won’t meet them halfway (to pick up Jace or in life) and when David gets out of the car to drop his daughter off at some truck stop on the highway, Jenelle decides now is the time to tell Jace the tale of why he doesn’t live with her.

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She musters up some face tears, or at least a little shaky voice sans tears, and softly tells Jace how he lives with Barb because when she was younger she didn’t have a house for them to live in so a judge just thought he should live with Barb.  But now that she has a house she’s trying so hard to get him back.  I mean.  I was actually squinting my eyes to see if Jenelle’s nose was growing as she was telling this tall tale.  She then says, “I’ve wanted to tell you this for so long and now I think you’re old enough to understand” and then she turns around and kind of looks into the dashboard cam like, “Is anyone buying this or can you fix in editing?”  Jace basically responds with “I never got to play Grand Theft Auto this weekend,” but for real.  WTF was that all about?!  Honestly, what do you think Jace is going to think when he’s older and watches all of these seasons back?  Will he just bring them right to therapy?  Oh, and you know out of everything he’s going to be like, “Really mom?  Ke$ha?!”

In the end Jenelle calls up Barb and we finally get to see her one last time this season.  She and Jenelle are yelling at each other and Barb is drinking a giant (and I mean GIANT) glass of wine. Per usual they talk about court and custody and yawn.  Barb is screaming that if she has to drive to get Jace she’s not letting Jenelle see him the next time.  It’s the oldest story in the book, really.  Also, Barb has a look on her face that says, “Uh, I have to drive after I just filmed this downing a few glasses of wine?  Yikes!  Buckle up, America!”

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Leah –  Hey y’all the semi-crunchy curls are back!  I have to admit, at least on camera Leah seems to be doing much better these days.  I mean, she’s not falling asleep mid phone conversation.  She’s not having a hard time finding Waldo in the squalor of her home.  And she’s not looking too much like crispy fried anymore.  All in all, I’d say we’re witnessing some major improvements.

Leah decides she wants to have a bbq to celebrate not being a train wreck anymore.  She’s talking to her sister about some new custody agreement where they have 50-50 custody, but not joint custody and honestly I can’t keep up.  All I do know is that anyone who watches this show enough can pretty much practice law in the state of West Virginia if needed.  It’s like we passed the bar via the talk-box, so congratulations everyone!

Later Leah learns on Facebook that Jeremy is now in relationship with some chick that most likely is either already knocked up or will soon be knocked up.  She tells her sister that she’s confused because one minute Jeremy is with a bunch of girls and then next minute he wants Leah back and then the next minute he’s in a relationship on Facebook.  Um, yeah, that’s called life.  It’s kind of the point of the song 7 Years Old too.  Good luck getting that song out of your head now.  You’re welcome. Either way, Leah tells her sister (or that girl with the square hair) that she’s not going to make the same mistake with her and treat her poorly like she did Miranda back in the day/yesterday.  I have to admit I was pretty impressed by that.  I figured Leah would start the sh*t-talking immediately.  #Growth

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Leah actually meets up with Jeremy and his new girlfriend later when it’s time to play everyone’s favorite game, “Drop Your Kids Off With Their Real Father on the Highway!!!”  It really is must-see TV.  Jeremy’s girlfriend actually seems pretty nice and looks normal.  I was entirely let down.  The exchange was a bit awkward when Leah extends her hand to the girlfriend and says, “Hi.  My name is Leah.”  It’s like, really?  Yeah I’m sure she’s familiar with you as she’s currently mic’d up and filming a scene for a little MTV show called “Teen Mom 2:  Back in the Habit. ”  Either way, good for them for all being adults and at least nice on camera.  Oh, and as a side note, it looks like True Religion jeans and spray tanning has finally come to W. VA so I think that puts us in around 2003.  I can’t wait for them to get iPods and 6-disc CD changers for their cars!

In the end, Leah does have that BBQ that no one seems to go to, but she’s looking good.  There is a little drama when Jeremy can’t drop off his daughter because he has to pick up his girlfriend’s daughter and Leah complains to her sister that his daughter should be more of a priority than his girlfriend’s kid.  She feels badly that Ali Mc Short Hair doesn’t get to see her sisters a lot or Jeremy for that matter.  But, she brushes it off and decides to make s’mores on the back deck with this machine that you plug in all while she keeps telling her kids how much she loves them and they all oddly point out that they’re about to cry.  Hopefully they can use those tears to put out the fire that’s likely to start when the s’more machine goes off on the dry wood decking right up the side of the house.  Hope you’re happy, kids.

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Kail – Per usual there’s not really a lot going on with Kail this week. In fact, I realized she basically was just in two scenes.  MTV did a good job trying to wrap her up in the season finale because we learn she’s basically getting  a divorce via Facetime.  I’m ok with that.  I’d like to see Kail back out on the prowl.  Maybe she can double with Suzi?  Ugh, I wish!

Kail and Javi are still having marital problems and Javi is still Facetiming from his bunk bed “at war.”  This time around it looks like there’s plywood walls all around him so I think it’s safe to say he’s just filming via the shed in their backyard.  At this point it’s been 6-months and Kail keeps telling him that she wants to start focusing on her career once she graduates in the next 3 weeks and how hard it’s been with Javi being away.  Here’s the thing…as much as I give crap to Kail for being a human version of The Cowardly Lion and being a snooze these past two seasons, she seems to have a good head on her shoulders.  Sure there’s still daddy issues and the like, but at least her house is clean, her kids seem happy, and she’s deciding she actually wants to start a career vs. just sitting on the couch whilst MTV films her.  Good for her.

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Later Kail tells her friend that she told Javi she decided she doesn’t want any more kids because she’d like to focus on her career and Javi decides that if she doesn’t want any more kids he doesn’t want to be married to her.  So there’s that.  I say, kudos to Kail for finding an easy away out.  Who knew closing your legs could open up a door to exit the marriage?  The More You Know.

Kail and Javi Facetime “from war” and really wrap things up by recapping the “no kids” thing and to my surprise Javi says that Kail can get the ball rolling on the divorce.  For the first time in a while Kail seems relieved.  Is it wrong that even though I like Vee, I kinda hope that Kail and Jo get back together?  Who’s with me??  Remember the olden days of Jo rapping?  And even better, when Jo was rapping and living at home Janet was in our lives almost every week.  It was simpler times and happier times for all of us.  Maybe Jo can get back with Kail and still be with Vee….like Sister Wives.  Here’s to hoping!

Chelsea – Taught a pig to balance a wedding ring.