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Teen Mom 2 Recap: The One Where Everyone Fights (Duh!)

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Hey y’all it’s time for another crapisode of “Teen Mom 2:  Now With More Commercials!”  Personally I love all the commercial breaks, as it provides me enough time to look out my window and ponder what it is I’ve actually done with my life to get me to the point where I am not only watching this mess, but writing about it as well.  But, as Julie Chen would say, “But first” we have a special shoutout here at IBBB to a long time reader Courtney who’s boyfriend, Nick, has been deployed in Egypt for the last 9 months protecting our freedom.  Thanks for reading, Courtney! And thanks, Libby!  Suddenly this site has turned into a long distance love request via Casey Kasem.  Bet you don’t get that at Us Weekly.

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You know whose marriage I don’t think is going to last much longer?  Any of them.  But particularly Kail and El Chapo.   They decide that like everyone else on reality television it’s time to go seek therapy because, well, what the hell else do you do after you chase each other around the trailer with rusty pots and pans and “clap fight” all the live-long-day?  This therapy session is pretty right on because they’re forced to communicate with each other via binders and basically a Choose Your Own Adventure story.  No joke, they were totally using Mad Libs to communicate.  But things took a turn for the worse when Javi basically said he was proud of Kail for having passion.  She began to cry, but I assumed it was due to the fact that his praise didn’t consist of any chin compliments. A girl needs to know.

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I have to admit, therapy seemed to have worked for under 45 seconds and next thing you know scenes later Javi is bidding everyone adieu because he’s going to stay in a hotel for a while since he just can’t take Kail anymore.  Uh, can I stay in a hotel because I can’t take this show anymore?  Apparently Javi is all sass-a-frassed over Kail following some dude on Instagram and now he thinks she’s a chinless sneak.  Kail claims she “accidentally” followed him, but the main takeaway is that Javi doesn’t trust her or her too long Kyle Richards hair.

Poor Issac has a case of the sads because he can’t make out with Javi before bedtime and he falls asleep with an odd look on his face as the silent camera crew just watches him.  Creepy.  But later, Javi comes back because he probably can’t afford a hotel and he and Kail chat about all things couples chat about, you know, like getting a divorce because they suck and their relationship sucks.  So there’s that.  Personally, I don’t care.  I just want a couple episodes featuring Suzi on a bender and I’m good.  And maybe a little shoulder shimmy as she sings “Hey Big Spender!”

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Meanwhile, in the back hills of West Virginia Leah is winning Mother of the Year awards left and right.  Or “up and down” as they like to refer to it as in W. VA.  Was it just me or when Leah and Jeremy did “drop off on the highway” for Corey, Leah seemed a little out of it.  Kinda like those times in high school when you were drunk but tried to still talk to your parents like everything was normal so you just looked down the whole time and just stopped talking mid-sentence.  Yeah, kinda like that.  It gets better, actually, because suddenly everyone is arguing over how many days Corey can have the girls and they’re just spewing out numbers like they’re at a bingo hall.  I don’t trust “the math” with any of these jokers.  At one point Leah has an “ah ha” moment when she says, “Corey wants 4 days on and 4 days off.  There aren’t 8 days in a week!”  I mean, bravo!  Math like that gets you elected to things in West Virginia I hear!

Later something really odd happens.  I have to admit I wasn’t overly paying attention…not that you need to.  I mean, it’s not like we’re watching Homeland.  Although W. VA kinda does look like where they filmed last season.  Anyway, next thing you know Leah is home with the girls and making them (puke) canned ravioli at what looks like after 11pm.  The girls are falling asleep on the couch and then eating dinner and begging  for snacks.  Suddenly it’s midnight and the girls are just getting into bed because they have school the next morning!  I don’t even go to bed at midnight and I’m a big kid!  I did like how the camera crew just kept showing shots of the clock the entire time.  It’s like, we get it.  And like 6 hours later Leah is getting the girls up for school.  They looked like they just came back from ‘Nam.  They’re all drying and brushing their own hair and look worse than when they woke up.  Have a great day in school, kids! Zzzzz

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But the best/scariest part is later when Leah is hurrying the girls up to get to a cheerleading competition.  Jeremy is teeing off on Leah because her car is a mess and there’s no room for anything.  Legit, she shoves shit in the back of the SUV and off they go…but little do they know that the little baby in the car seat is almost getting crushed by bags and debris falling all over her.  Jeremy is yelling that all the kids will be dead if they get into a wreck and how he can’t see out the back window….to which Leah replies, “No one here can see out their back window.”  I mean, sub-titles were absent but that’s what I assumed she said.  They then all start dropping F bombs and screaming at each other to shut up…as the kids just look at them (minus the one being crushed by a suitcase).

And then finally we have Jenelle.  She’s doing so well!  She has a new hairdo and a new carefree attitude.  I jest.  She is, of course, hell on wheels.  She and Nathan are talking about getting…you guessed it…custody of Jace again.  For real, move on.  Just let that kid get old enough to get a paper route and he’s outta there.  Jenelle thinks it makes sense to take Jace back, but is having some issues with Nathan ever since the last day of St. Thomas.  So she calls her friend so that she has someone she can recap the story to and MTV can film her.  Nathan pulls a bitch-fit and is yelling at Jenelle to not disrespect him like that.  I think his cut-off t-shirts are disrespectful enough.  You know what else is disrespectful?  The fact that the only scene we have of Barb this episode is her playing a quick game of baseball with Jace (and him calling her “mom”).  Honestly, if MTV continues to deny my weekly request of airing 22 minutes of Barb footage each episode then I’m going to have to choose another show to watch.  I hear “Lost” is all the rage.

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In typical Jenelle/Nathan fashion they’re about to explode.  They have an appointment with their lawyer about how to get Jace back from the Barb-o-Matic and Nathan is making Jenelle late.  She’s in her car waiting for him and just keeps saying “Dude.  Dude!  Dude, this is ridiculous.”  And obviously she’s saying it in that same monotone voice she says everything, but you knew that.  After Jenelle yells at him for making her late he just gets out of the car and decides he’s not going.  Clearly, this sets Jenelle off and she goes back in the house, literally, begging him to go with her and crying.  A special note for all the IBBB readers:  Never be that person.  Never.

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Nathan runs upstairs to hide in his room and Jenelle follows him begging him for support at the lawyer.  They then scream off-camera for a full three minutes.  Whatever happened to putting on a fake smile for the camera?  And by “the camera” I mean “society.”  Jenelle leaves and heads to the lawyers office alone and does her classic ugly cry in the car like someone just killed her mother.  Oh wait, that would be a smile.  Either way, she’s sad.  Nathan finally calls so Jenelle turns around to get him.  I mean, at this point they have to be 10 hours late for the appointment.  It’s like a whole new day.  I expect them to get there and there’ll be a sign on the door that says, “Closed.  It’s Friggin’ Saturday Now.”  Alas they make it to their appointment and long story short the lawyer is basically like, “Good luck, Barb owns you and Jace.”  For real though.

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