Teen Mom 2: So David is Still Using 80’s Slurs to Attack Nathan

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Welp.  I missed one week and apparently Kail has gone through so many men that she now looped all the way around to women.  I say good for her.  Also even though I’m the writer of this mess I need to say, “I’m here for Don.”  As you know, Don is allegedly Kail’s girlfriend.  She may also play the role of one of the bad guys who drives around in those old-timey cars in a live-action version of Who Framed Roger Rabbit.  Anyone?

I think the best part about Kail potentially being with Don is that she most likely can’t get pregnant again so that’s a good thing.  Unless she’s dippin’ and doin’ in da club and accidentally slips and falls onto some D and well, then you know how that goes.  Outside of my intrigue of Don (that little whipper-snapper), Kail got glasses.  So that’s new.  Oh, and she is not going to have a co-parented birthday for Lincoln with Javi because he’s inviting Briana to attend.  I feel like ‘co-parenting’ is the new drinking game from when we used to play it during 16 & Pregnant when the girls would talk about pitocin.  Those really were simpler times.

Oh, and you know what else is blowing my mind?  No, not Don’s lines in her haircut, but the fact that Jenelle is going to get her own makeup line because, you know, that makes sense.  We all get to tour the facility with her and David as she meets a bunch of characters who are going to team up with her so she can sell her eyebrows on Instagram, apparently (speaking of, friend me on Instagram because, well, I’m shilling for followers)  And I say “cast of characters” because these people look like they’re in a local play.  Not that I judge based solely on appearance.  I mean, I also judge based on financial status, but since I can’t seem to get a peek into their wallets, I have to judge just based on the looks.  And the looks are crazy.  That one woman, who I believe was the makeup artist, had enough makeup on to stop a charging rhino right in its tracks.  She looked permanently stunned and a little like one of the Campbell Soup kids with the rosy cheeks.  I won’t say if I’m talking about the boy Campbell Soup kid or the girl Campbell Soup kid because, well, we’re in a new climate where I don’t think you’re allowed to say the sex of a person anymore.  You can’t, right?  I don’t know all the rules.  I mean, I think that legally you should have to take it out and shake it if someone asks, but I’m old school.  That’s how they did it on the Santa Maria when Columbus came over, I hear.  Seriously, I have no idea what tangent I just went one and why, but let’s move it a long a bit.

You know who I still love these days, Brittany.  I know I’ve said it pretty much each week but I haven’t tired from her at all.  She’s a breath of smog in a sh*t storm and I’m loving her.  I personally love how she calls Javi “Gavi” with a “G” sound.  So creative that one!

Meanwhile, over in the foothills of West Virginia, one of Leah’s kids is sassin’, frettin,’ spittin,’ twerkin,’ kickin’, and stompin’ and pretty much all at the same time.  Leah is taking her to therapy because I’m pretty sure she thinks her daughter is going to become a serial killer, y’all!  Ali Lithuania is in the back seat and Leah is trying to talk to her but she is not having it.  Leah tries to get her to “use her feels” and says things like, “I feel like….” but she won’t answer.  I think she said she feels weird at one point and I was like, uh oh point to where the bad man touched you.  But we never got there.  Leah tries to tell her she loves therapy and that she’s been before, to which Ali Lithuania just goes, “Duhhhhhh!”  I legit laughed.  It feels good to laugh again.  Leah tells her that she’s rude and then Ali (is that even her name???) starts kicking the front seat over and over again with her sneakers.  So there’s that.  Something tells me that in about 9 to 11 more years she’s going to meet up with Jace and they’re going to have their own spinoff show.  Probably something called, “Teen Jail Bird Mom.”  I mean,  I’d watch.

Later, Jenelle was busy updating her “About Me” section of her Facebook page (as you do) and she removed all her random information, like that she’s married to David and she replaced it with her new beauty line.  Well the Twitter was a buzz and she was having to tell everyone that she and David were still together.  In her words, “They thought we were broke up.”  Ugh, education.  Anyway, Nathan took the time to text Jenelle a scroll worth of supportive messages in case they were “broke up” and Jenelle basically laughed it off.  She said she was going to tell David about the text and, well, apparently she did.

When it was time for Nathan to get Kaiser from Jenelle at “drop off/pick up” David’s mother actually did the drop off.  It was honestly so weird because he basically gets really aggressive with her and keeps telling her to talk to her son because of the rude text David sent him.  He then reads it to her, aggressively.  The whole time she’s like, “I stay out of it.”  But he kind of yells at her and then she gets shaky voice and gets into her car to leave, but not before turning to the camera and saying, “He’s not very nice.”  And then starting to cry as she said, “I’m not doing this again.”  Oh, for money you totally will.

This episode was a real hodge-podge (is that a thing) or situations minus the comedy (read: no Barb).  Kail didn’t let Javi and Briana film Lincoln’s birthday, Leah had to basically tell her daughter that she’s crazy but still a good girl, and then David called Nathan the f-word, referred to him as a female, and told his own mother he’d punch Nathan in the face.  So all-in-all, stuff happened this week.  Also, if David is going to use gay slurs to insult Nathan he should try ones that weren’t popular in the 80’s.

Oh, and Chelsea got Aubrey’s last name changed.  She should have worked on getting her first name changed too, you know, for sport.

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