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Teen Mom 2: The One With the Antique Vanity…For Some Reason

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teen mom 2 recap 7-9-2015

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That’s right folks, Teen Mom 2 is back!  I added the exclamation point because I’m trying to trick my mind into being excited about this.  Here’s the thing, I thought this show had its “series finale” 6 times already.  At this point Jace is a father of 2 and Barb is 1243 years old.  The good news is that the accent is thicker than ever.  Another spoiler alert is that unlike the recent Teen Mom OG, they did not break the fourth wall and allow the producers and camera crew to be on the show as well.  It’s really a shame because I already had a drinking game planned every time the producer pissed his or her pants or dress from laughing whilst Barb screamed bloody murder for 22 minutes each week.  Eh, maybe next year.

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While this show may have ended 6+ months ago, everything is basically the same for everyone.  Well, Chelsea is less orange.  Other than that, same/same.  Jenelle is dead on the inside, Leah’s hair changes length in every scene that she’s in and Kail’s chin is in a constant state of quiver because I assume it misses Suzi as much as I do. Oh I just thought of one more change.  Barb’s bangs are starting 2.5 inches closer to the back of her head this season.  At this point she’s basically getting out of the shower, combing it all forward and then just screaming at anyone who will listen.  It’s like her hairline is trying to fun from her. But, God knows, I love that woman more than life itself.

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You know who hates each other?  Kail and Javi.  Those two.  Worst.  The only good news about watching them fight about the dumbest crap is that we get a window into how Suzi and her boyfriends used to fight in front of Kail because it doesn’t take a rocket scientist (or Pirate Mike) to see that Kail is just reenacting what she saw growing up.  And I’m not sure if they explained why but two of Kail’s friends are living with them for the weekend along with Javi’s sister and a circus of children.  Maybe it’s like a foster home, but for grown ups?  P.S., remember when Kail lived in bank for a little while.  I miss those days.

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Kail is all stoked to be going to some concert with her friends in Philly and they’re thinking of staying the night.  Ruh roh!  That means that Javi will have to watch the kids and won’t be able to focus as much on growing out his Bieber ‘stache.  Kail is freaking out about asking Javi if she can get a hotel in Philly because she thinks he’ll hold it over her head/chin.  Um, who cares?  I’d be like keep the kids I’m moving to Philly.  I jest.  I would never move to Philly.  No offense, Boyz 2 Men.  Well apparently things took a turn because Javi saw a text message on Kail’s phone from a boy in her class asking when the next test was and/or if he could get $2 dollar sucky sucky from the chinless wonder and now all hell is breaking loose!

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I was falling in and out of slumber, but when I came to they’re both fighting over the text message, going to the concert and picking up Issac.  Or is it ISIS?  It’s hard to keep track of the kids names.  Either way, Javi refuses to pick him up and so now Kail can’t go to the concert.  Please don’t tell me this is a Kesha concert.  That Jan Brady lookalike as ruined the lives of more teenage mothers, I tell ya!  Evidently Javi wants all the passwords to her phone so he can trust her again.  Shockingly Kail is the voice of reason by saying that he’s talking crazy.  That’s right Kail, you keep yo piece on the side in hiding.  Also, this seemed like way more happened, but not really.  There was just 29 commercials.  Also, Janet didn’t make an appearance so I spent a decent portion of the scenes crying.  Loudly.  And booty clapping to the best of my ability.  Spoiler Alert:  It didn’t work out.

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Meanwhile, in the absolute pits of hell known as West Virginia, Leah is back y’all!  If you ever wanted to know what Britney would have been like had she not booked that gig on the Mickey Mouse Club, well, wonder no more.  She’s still fighting with Jeremy about going to therapy.  I mean, honestly, just end the marriage already.  It’s West Virginia, it has to be easy.  I believe they allow you to dissolve a marriage the same way that DJ and Uncle Jessie’s Greek nephew did on Full House….by walking backwards around the kitchen table three times.  Oopa!  #PapouliForLife

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Was it just me or did Leah seem like she was out of it in most of her scenes?  That one at “dinner” was a real gem.  Oh, and I put “dinner” in quotes because I saw them at the restaurant serving themselves at a (vomit) salad bar and eating mashed potatoes that looked like ice cream because, well, they were served via an ice cream scooper.  And Jeremy is going to need a hack saw to cut that rubbery steak.  Puke.  Either way, Leah seemed totally off when she was talking about “people” and “rumors” and then changed “people” to “individuals.”  It’s like all of a sudden she’s the grammar police?  Ironically enough, knowing the word “individuals” actually automatically makes you Mayor of West Virginia.  Yep.  The whole state.  I’m kidding.  I don’t even know if W. Virginia is a state or even part of the United States.  I think it’s like the Bermuda Triangle. It kind of doesn’t exist, but somewhere in the middle of it Amelia Earhart is in there, dressed like a mermaid and selling meth to coal miners.  I’m pretty sure I read that in a history book once.

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Leah is freaked out (not because she lives in squalor) because she has to go to court to see if the judge will take her girls away from her and give them to Corey.  Luckily Leah’s mom and those trademark crunchy curls are going to court with her…as is her mom’s friend who sits in the backseat and is a real busybody.  Yep, you can tell right off the bat.  Per usual, the cameras aren’t allowed in the court room, which is good news for Leah’s lawyer who’s rocking a Sears business suit and lacking product in her hair.  But, in the end, the judge lets the girls stay with Leah as long as she takes some drug tests to prove she’s not a meth head on the regular.  Oh, and kuddos to the girls for sticking each other in the head with pencils whilst in the backseat and throwing haymakers at each other.   True love.

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And finally we have Jenelle.  God bless her.  She and Nathan are doing well…meaning they haven’t killed Kaiser yet.  It doesn’t mean, however, that Kaiser isn’t raising them.  You never know.  It was so great to see Barb again, I must admit.  I stood up, slow clapped, and performed the Star Spangle Banner in 2 different languages just for Barb (English and Bostonian).  Barb, sadly, was only on about a 3 tonight out of 10.  Personally, I like my Barb on about a 9 at alllll times.  I mean, I want her holding a bat so she can just start swinging when she really gets fired up.

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Jenelle is still waiting to get back custody of Jace.  Well she better hurry up because I’m pretty sure he turns 18 in 2 more months.  Jace is still doing well and really well adjusted.  By that I mean he’s not doing his homework and fighting with the other kids in school, according to Barb-o-Matic.  You know the whole time Barb is mentioning this Jenelle is thinking, “Who the hell is Jace?!?”  But she can’t be bogged down with the details because Nathan and his muscle tee have a surprise for Jenelle’s birthday.  He bought her an antique vanity….no, for real.  Because when you think of Jenelle you certainly think of “old-timey class and sophistication.”  Although it’s probably good she can sit while she looks in the mirror to tweeze her eyebrows because she’s basically down to one shaky little line.

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But wait, that’s not all!  Inside the vanity are two printed out computer pieces of paper that claim she and Nathan are going to St. Thomas for a week for her birthday!  Jenelle literally had to ask where St. Thomas was.  You know she was thinking she was going to heaven.  Like it was code word for “I’m gonna kill ya, you bitch!”  The only problem is that Nathan’s mom is going to watch Kaiser while they’re gone and not Barb.  That should go over well.  So Jenelle rings up Barb and immediately Barb is pissed because Jenelle sent her directly to voicemail when she called her earlier.  Then she was pissed that Jenelle was going to St. Thomas.  I liked how Jenelle explained to Barb where St. Thomas was as if she didn’t know.  I’m sure Barb paaaaaaahhhhtyed her ass off there when she was youngaaaaaah!  The conversation goes as expected….where they’re both talking over each other, start yelling, and then just start dropping F bombs in front of impressionable children.  The usual.  This was a weak first episode for Barb and Jenelle fighting…..they better ramp this sh*t up quick!

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Oh…and Chelsea has a new boyfriend now.  Adam’s still alive.  Other stuff.

PLUS:  Click Barb below and flip through 21 of the best Barb Evans quotes of all time, ya lil bitch!



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