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Amber is Sorry and Quite Possibly On Enough Tranquilizers to Stop a Charging Rhino

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It’s Amber’s World, Amber’s World, Party Time, Excellent!

I mean, come on.  It’s like Santa Christ is hard at work over at 1515 Broadway and forcing Amber to create a “home video” apologizing for punching and beating the bag out of Gary just for me!  And, to top things off they even have her filming this in a basement that I can only assume is the set of Wayne’s World with 2×4 unfinished wooden stairs in the background.  Somewhere sipping on a Twisted Tea and chain-smoking a pack of Camels, April is shouting “Trash!” into her computer screen.

Amber kicks off her contractually obligated (allegedly) apology by looking all pissed off into the camera and saying, “I’m Amber from Teen Mom.”  She is fighting tooth and nail to not roll her eyes at this point.  Also, she should introduce herself the way LuAnn did on Real Housewives of New York City when she performed “Money Can’t Buy You Class” live at “da club” which consisted of her smiling and saying, “Hello everyone, I’m LuAnn…as you know!”  Anyroseanne, Amber is pissed off that she even has to do this and you can tell by (1) the way she keeps swallowing her burps (2) is extremely monotone and (3) keeps giving the camera the side-eye…kind of like I’m giving Amber right now as I watch this.  Seriously, Amber must be on enough tranquilizers to stop a charging rhino or, worse, Gary!  I’m kidding he is a petite Oriental flower who is practically turning into a pixie right in front of our very own eyes.

Amber-Alert lets us know that she is very sorry for punching Gary and being “verbal” although I’m sure she’s always sorry for being oral to Gary too.  She also lets us know that she hasn’t slapped the cream-filling out of him since the last time and she doesn’t plan on doing it again (unless dinner is late).  Amber also realizes that having verbal altercations in front of Leah is horrific (my words, not hers) and she leaves us with some words of wisdom which basically tell us that we shouldn’t hit people on the streets that we don’t know.  Uh, apparently “we” do this?  I don’t hit anyone or anything.  I don’t even hit the deck when someone shouts it.  I have been known, however, to beat the beat but that’s another story for another time with other people reading other blogs and laughing about other things some other time.  Also, other.  Oh, and Amber is not only seeing her own therapist, but she and Gar go to couples therapy and then on top of all of that she’s seeing a psychiatrist.  So basically, for those of you following along at home, she’s about one shouting match away from being slapped with a 5150 and being wheeled out of her “house” on a stretcher.

The only missing from this apology video is that black crocheted blanket hanging on the back of the couch that Roseanne and Dan Connor had in every episode of Roseanne.  Other than that I loved and it have it playing on a loop whilst I slumber.  Now if only April and Butch can start doing these videos.

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