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Saint Amber Portwood is With Child (The Teen Mom Recap)

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Amber – Since Ambjikistan spent last episode chasing chickens with Leah, that’s enough time needed so she and her new boyfriend, Dom DeLuise, are heading to Hawaii for a little vacation so (in their words) they can think about Leah and then send her a gift.  So that’s cool.  Is it just me or does Dom look like he’s in a constant state of having to Shasta McNasty in his underoos?  Maybe he’s just nervous? I have the same look on my face during both scenarios too.

Next up, they head to Hawaii, but miss their connecting flight because Amber got sick in LA and was puking all over the place.  By the time they finally made it to Hawaii everyone is talking about all the puking and all the sickness and I think it’s safe to wager a bet that there could be a tiny little Gary in the oven.  Just a guess.  Also, I mean, Radar Online talks about it around 14 times per day.  Also, also, what a pain in the arse that site is huh?  There are like ads upon ads upon ads taking over the screen and I can never press that little ‘x’ to try to close it without accidentally clicking on it.  I’m old.  Ok, I’m done.  Also, the “hotel” that Amber and Dom are in looks like the same one that The Brady Bunch stayed in back in 1979.  In fact, I’m pretty sure it hasn’t been updated since.

Meanwhile, Gar Bear is busy Googling shiz about Dom DeLuise and finds out he used to have alcohol issues and even some (alleged) restraining orders.  For real, how is Gary the voice of reason?  He really is.  He actually makes complete sense.  Even Kristina is like WTF about Amber and her desire to be with a guy over her daughter.  At one point Gary talks about how when he was with Amber she used to sleep and not get Leah out of her crib to change her diaper.  That won’t sit well.  Then Kristina goes, “Let’s just adopt Leah!”  Yeah that’s not going to sit well either. Or is it ‘set’ well?  Either way, someone is getting slapped in the face all whilst their tube television gets kicked down a flight of stairs.  Just a guess.

We’ve arrived at the part of the vacation that every couple enjoys the most.  If you guessed, “Watching the sunset with some wine” you’d be so painfully wrong that you should have your children given to the state.  If you guessed, “Taking a pregnancy test on television to see if you’re knocked up from your very recent boyfriend” you would be so correct it would hurt.  Amber and Dom DeLuise are lounging around on their Howard Johnson’s bedspread with pregnancy sticks scattered to and fro.  People don’t use “to and fro” as much as they used to.  Apparently I’m the Charles Dickens of this generation.  What generation is this anyway?  What’s worse than millennials?

Dom seems overly calm and Amber sounds like she’s frettin’-and-a-pissin in the bathroom all whilst she sprays human liquid all over  the finest stick that Walgreens sells.  She yells “Babe!” from the can and I was more embarrassed over that than her announcing she was, in fact, with child.  Dom looks like he realized he just hit the jackpot.  Lucky.  Well she didn’t technically admit it yet.  They ended it like one of those ‘Who’s the Boss’ To Be Continued…from the 80’s.

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Farrah – Things kick off with Debra and her mother taking what I assume is shots around the kitchen table and talking about hopefully changing Farrah’s mind about not going to the wedding.  I mean, they could have been reciting the National Anthem for all I know because both women were talking in such high pitches and crying that I almost wasn’t sure what in the Who was going on.  At one point I thought Debra was talking to herself in the mirror, but the person in the mirror didn’t have on a fright wig or false eyelashes so my theory was debunked.  Anyway, off to Italy or “It-a-lee” is Debra slowly says.

It’s really amazing how beautiful Italy is.  The whole place looks like a postcard.  Well, at least until Farrah and crew are traipsing around the place with long fried weaves blowing in the Italian wind.  I wonder if that wind spells like pasta.  I surely hope so.  This is like the way worse version of Call Me By Your Name.  It’s more like “Call Me By My Rap Name.”  Hey oh!  I should just stop right here because I officially am making myself laugh (and question all of my life choices up to this point).  Anyway, Debra is walking up about 2,391 flights of stairs with a producer who looks like she’s about to collapse and then suddenly sees Michael and Amy (the much classier version of Mama June thankyouverymuch) filming with Farrah and Baby Goop down below.  She pretty much cannonballed down the stone steps and immediately did the grossest public baby talk I’ve seen since, literally, two babies were talking to each other in a park one time.

Baby Goop wants to know if Debra likes Michael and Amy and Debra baby-talks that she does.  She then kisses Michael and Amy and the country as a whole all got embarrassed.  What could Amy really think of all of this?  I mean I know she’s gotta be ba da ba ba ba lovin’ that paycheck, but do you think this all officially makes her the most popular of all her friends in the Crunchy Curls Club?  I bet.  Amy did look a little jealous when Debra kissed Michael.  I was hoping she would have reached down below and made him cough, you know, for sport.

Later Debra, Goop and Farrah go out, talk about tomatoes and then make some gnocchi together.  The poor lady at the restaurant was trying to introduce herself and talk about what they’ll be doing and Farrah just goes, “So are we putting on aprons or what??”  What a wonderful representation of America!  Then she gets pissed that no one knows what she’s talking about when she asks them if Sophia can mix some eggs in a bowl.  She goes, “Egg.  Bowl.  It’s the same in every language.”  Sure it is.  God bless America.

“The girls” then go out for dinner the next day (I have no idea) and  everything started off really well and then wine was introduced and then the wedding was brought up and then Simon was brought up and then the fake claws came out.  They, of course, were arguing over Dr. David and ‘what Simon said’ and the same old circus that we’re usually witnessing.  It’s so crazy how they can go from zero to 60 in 4 seconds.  It’s like that time that Mel Gibson got pulled over and it went from asking for his registration to him talking about jewish people.  Like, how does any of that happen?!  When’s the episode when Farrah gets the boot?!

Caitlynn – I love how MTV is upping the ‘country’ factor this episode with all involved.  I legit almost spit out my sandwich when I saw Butch, LITERALLY, using a saw and other tools to get his nephews leg cast off.  Let’s think about that for a second.  Still with me?  Apparently Ty’s sister never took her son for any of his doctor appointments or did any kind of follow up so Butch took it upon himself to remove the cast himself. I thank God first and foremost that cameras were rolling at a time like this.  Butch MD, coming this fall to the UPN.

Later, Cate and April (yes!) went out like girls on the town for lunch and chit-chatted about Butch looking like hell and Cate getting her birth control taken out.  April is laughing up a storm at Cate’s pregnancy jokes and, I have to be honest, this is the first time in about 5 years I’ve seen April laugh.  Did she get veneers?  Perhaps she wanted to show them off.  Good for her.  New teeth for everyone!

If you ever wanted to be a fly on the wall whilst Caitlynn had her doctor appointment, well, you’re in luck.  She’s ready to get that birth control ripped out of her loins and wants to do it on television.  But first, the doctor has to talk to her about her weight and wants her to lose even more.  Honestly, slow hand-clap for Cait being ok with the doctor revealing her actual weight for all the world to know.  It’s not like it was a lot, or anything, but still I was like, “Whoa real scene alert!” I mean I didn’t say that out loud or anything.  We also learn that she still smokes cigarettes, Tyler doesn’t, and she canceled her last few appointments because she was nervous about getting pregnant again.  I’m guessing HIPPA isn’t applicable here? I mean I was hitting ‘pause’ and scanning for medical records in every scene!  Imagine?

In the end Cate got her birth control removed out of her ear and chatted with Kerthy about how it hurt and her plan to get pregnant.  KERTHY!  Also, Kerthy.  Cate’s immediate plan is to quit smoking and then schedule sex.  Fingers (and not legs) crossed!

Maci – Ryan and Mackenzie go on a bachelor/bachelorette party in Vegas because, yes, that’s your immediate next stop to celebrate getting out of rehab.