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Teen Mom Recap: Farrah and Jenelle Team Up to Ruin Debra’s Wedding

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Farrah –  News of Debz upcoming wedding is really making the rounds.  So much so that Jenelle apparently called Farrah (can you imagine how that call went?!) to let her know that Debra invited Jenelle’s ex-husband, Cortland, to her wedding.  I’m a little offended I never made the final guest list, but I don’t have a criminal record so maybe that has to do with it.  When Farrah was filling in Michael on all of this he said that Debra was inviting so many people she doesn’t even know and is having a sweepstakes.  A sweepstakes?  I’m sorry now, what?  Someone show me this STAT!

I love when Debra and Farrah aren’t in the same location, but the producers are like “Just Facetime her” because, you know, that always goes so well.  Farrah calls DebzOG and keeps fixing her red fright wig that, yes, may have been bought in aisle 9 of Walgreens on Nov 1st.  It was probably in that bin that’s right on top of that vampire makeup that makes your entire face burn and then breakout for 4 weeks.  Anyway, Farrah is confronting Debz about (allegedly) inviting Jenelle’s ex-husband to her wedding because, you know, that seems like the right kind of person to add to the guest list of your very small destination wedding.  Farrah keeps calling him a criminal and Debra keeps explaining that God forgives and doesn’t judge people.  She was referring to, like, porn right?  I mean, I think we can all be clear that Debra was trying to say that God even forgives filmed backdoor-type activities.

Debra and Farrah keeping talking and high-pitched whining over each other and, per usual, Farrah is saying sentences that don’t even make sense (kind of like what I write on this here blog).  At one point she’s like, “You know what mom?  I’m not even a criminal and I’ve probably changed my life so much more than anyone I’ve ever seen changes theres.”  She also pronounced “theres” like “THER’s”  Like Nelly would rap about circa 2003.  Ah the good old days.  She finalizes her loving chat with Debra by saying, “Why don’t you shut up so you can unconfuse your brain.”  Honestly, not a stitch of sense.  I’m just glad that the two minute scene wasn’t performed all in baby-voice.  Small miracles.

In the end, Farrah is driving Michael and Baby Goop and still ranting about criminals being invited to the wedding and is legit on a rant where I don’t understand half of what she’s talking about.  She keeps talking about people condemning her and wanting to limit her time with Debra.  Uh, what is happening?  Can someone help unconfuse my brain?!

Amber – Amber is still enjoying her pregnancy to the fullest.  She’s making Dom DeLuise make her bread and butter for dinner and she’s even thinking of getting her one of them there doctors she’s been hearing about.  You know, the kind of doctor that can let her know how her pregnancy is going and whatnot.  Why she doesn’t have one, I personally find odd but what the heck do I know about birthin’ dem babies?  Dom thinks she should get a midwife and give birth in the bathtub.  I think they should get higher ceilings so Dom can fit in the house.

We knew it was only a matter of time before the crazy wheels were going to fall off of Amber.  She’s off her meds (we believe) as she is ‘with child’ and it seems like she’s already at the end of her rope.  She lets us know that she’s 13 weeks pregnant at this point and can probably find out the sex of the baby.  Dom DeLuise pretty much wants to keep it a surprise and Amber looks at him like he said, “You should deliver the baby in outer space.”  She explains (with a look on her face like she’s chugging freshly cut lemons) that you have to be prepared ahead of time and can’t just have the baby and figure it out after.  Dom suggests they just paint the room gender neutral colors that could work for a boy or a girl and Amber is all, “Enough with your hippie bullsh*t.”  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.  Like she really thinks something like “not painting the room pink” is hippie related.  You can take the baby out Amber, but you can’t take Amber out of the baby, am I right?  Oh, I have no clue what that meant.  All I do know is that Dom (a) looks like he’s going to break headboard right off that bed and (2) he’s already over this relationship and is figuring out adoption options.  As a side note, remember when Amber was obsessed with Marilyn Monroe? Hahah good times.

Catelynn – Cate is now telling everyone she is with child and that includes April and her neck tattoo.  April does her typical, “No way.  Shut the F up!” and then breaks into a mini ugly cry.  She was just missing an “I love ya, kid” statement, but I’ll let it pass this time because she’s in shock.  I do, however, expect more of them in future episodes. Contractually, she owes us.

Ty is still trying to get Butch to go to “the ‘hab” for drug use and he’s thinking about it.  He’s not really sure if he wants to go.  I mean why would he?  He has Teen Mom money and a drug problem (allegedly).  I say ride that wave until the wheels fall off.  I jest.  I hope Butch goes to rehab and I hope Dr. Drew films all of it.  I just want to know does this mean that Butch is high, like, right now while filming?  And, more importantly, does this mean that there’s a pending rat-tail in our future? I sure hope so.

Apparently, Butch is looking to go to a rehab that Tyler is going to pay for that’s in Austin, Texas for 90 days.  It sounds like a spa because when Butch talked to them they told him to bring a bathing suit.  And apparently there is acupuncture too.  Sounds like a dream.  I kind of can’t believe that Cate and Ty have to foot this bill.

Ty called the rehab to chat about Butch and how much it all costs.  Are you ready for this?  For 90 days it’s going to cost Tyler $48,000.  Uh, I’m sorry what?  Can’t they just hide Butch’s drugs instead?  Also, for $48K I’d rather be in Malibu. Just me?  For real, it’s insanely nice that they’re willing to pay all this especially after his track record.  Kind of a risk.  But can you imagine how much they’re all making from this show that $48K for 90 days is just kinda like, “Sure let’s do it.”

So, um, things kinda took a turn for bit.  WTF was going on at Tyler’s sister’s house?!  He goes to pick up Butch for “the hab” at his old house and Ty’s sister is dressed all in black with pink hair and sitting on the front stairs chain smoking cigs.  Oh, and they cut the power off so there are no lights on in the house.  Tyler has to go in to get Butch and we find him packing by actual candlelight. Butch goes, “This is how we do it.  Old school.” as he lights the candelabra and walks around the house like he’s Scrooge.  That whole place looks like it’s about to burn right to the ground.  Oh, and is Ty’s sister on something or no?  Butch looked like he was worried about her too.  I’m confused and intrigued all at the same time.

In the end Butch sheds some tears before he heads off to the hab because he thinks he’s abandoning his grandkids because Tyler’s sister, allegedly, doesn’t always buy them food or take care of them.  Poor Butch.  Literally.  I need to know more about Tyler’s sister, Amber.  Also, is Amber like an addiction name?  More to come.

Maci – Made Halloween plans.