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Teen Mom: Gary Hires Carmen San Diego to Find His Biological Father

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Clap if you think this show is really going downhill on the Interest-o-Meter.  No really, clap.  I’ll be able to hear you.  I’m like Santa.  Always watching and breaking into your house on the same night every year.  Anyway, this week on Ye Old Teenage Mother, for those of us keeping score Amber appears to be in the healthiest relationship, Cate and Tyler spend more time talking to talk show hosts about their relationship issues than actually working on them, and Bristol and Dakota are really going south.  Dakota that is.  South Dakota.  Anyone?  Oh also, click here to follow me on Instagram!

For me (and as we know it’s always about me) the most interesting part, of course, is Gary and his mom having lunch.  Was anyone as confused as me?  Clap if you were.  First off, she has a face full of makeup on (which I love), but from about the crown of her head and forward is silky grey hair and the back of her head is long black hair.  It’s kinda like fright week on the top and mall-hair-sold-at-a-kiosk in the back.  I assume she’s making a symbolic statement on where we all are as a country right now but, to be honest, it’s too late for me to crack that code.  Either way, Gary meets up with his mom because he wants to let her know that he’s basically hired Carmen San Diego to try and find his real dad.  Good job, Gumshoe!  No here’s where the questions come in….

Gary’s mom says she doesn’t remember a lot of things from back then (like, it wasn’t 100 years ago!).  Apparently she was dating some random guy for a bit but, literally, doesn’t remember him.  She does, however, remember that he was built like Gary and had brown hair.  So, my original guess from last season of “Dan Connor” sounds like our biggest lead right now.  And, since circa 2010 I named Amber and Gary the “Roseanne and Dan Connor of Our Generation” it looks like maybe I was right all a long.  Oh, his mom also loves to rock a nose ring.  Good for her.  I wonder if she’ll eventually get those bullet holes that Maci has in her ears.  Why do people still do that?  I, of course, blame all things Avril Lavigne and anything Skaterboi.  Anyway, I actually hope that Gary does find his real dad and, well, Gary’s dad (if you’re reading this right now) you’re his dad.  I assume that’s how you reunite people?  Instead of 23 and Me, I’m like 23 and IBBB.  Jokes are fun!

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In other news, how long in the holy hell is Cheyenne’s pool party BBQ?!  It’s still going on this episode too and the fun of everyone drinking has officially worn off because Cheyenne is basically picking fights with anyone who looks at her the wrong way.  Why can’t people just get drunk and be happy, you know, like that homeless guy that sits outside of my apartment.  I call him Skinny Santa because, well, self explanatory.  He likes his booze in a bag around 9am and always compliments my shoes.  See?  Happy drunk.  Allegedly. I don’t want him reading this and suing me!  Anyway, this time around Cheyenne is pissed at her boyfriend’s friend for swinging a bottle around her face and not leaving the party even though she’s brought everyone out to the front of the house to kick people out all whilst wearing a thong in front of her dad.  Why isn’t she ashamed of her body like the rest of us were when we were growing up?  It’s like wear a t-shirt in the pool and have some class.  I jest.  Apparently I’m using this weeks recap as therapy…but I’m not on TV and don’t have Dr Oz money like Cate and Ty so I have to just type type type until I’m healed!  Honestly, I don’t even know what I’m talking about at this point.

So Maci won an award for POS or some-such and they want to make her disease into a “of the month” type thing.  We only have, like, 14 months in the year (or is it 17?) so I think all the “of the month” type openings are covered.  I say start with a leap year day and then work your way up.  Also, I’m sure she’s just been tired since 2009, but she seems like she’s never happy, never having fun, and never wanting to really talk on camera.  Eh, maybe it’s just a phase.

Speaking of phases (look at me with these transitions!), Amber and Dom DeLuise are out in LA for a month (a month!) to visit his family and friends and Amber says she’ll have a hard time being away from Boo Boo for that long.  Er, ok?  Maybe she means Boo Boo of, like, Yogi and Boo Boo?  Or maybe Boo Boo is the new nickname of Dom DeLuise’s salami and, you know, staying in someone else’s house you have to be on your best behavior.  Who knows.  Sky is the limit!

Of course, tossing Sarah Palin in a car and putting her on camera always seems to bring a smile to my face.  It still hasn’t worn off on me yet that that’s actually Sarah Palin on Teen Mom.  She legit could have been the Vice President of the United States.  You know, of America!  And now she’s saying things like, “Well, Bristol, material things don’t amount to a hill of beans” all while rocking that up-do ponytail and 90’s lip liner that just won’t ever seem to move on.  Oh, and Bristol’s son is apparently on a kids version of Dancing With the Stars and, well, I have questions.  Plenty of them.  Maybe another time.  Did anyone notice she couldn’t say “Dancing With the Stars?”  She just kept saying in her voiceovers “A dancing competition for kids.”  The world doesn’t make sense to me.

Apparently Dakota and Bristol don’t talk anymore except through their lawyers and, you know, that one conversation we’re all witnessing on camera over the phone right now.  I actually still feel bad for Dakota (and both states) because he looks like he’s ready to blow at any moment.  Seriously, PTSD is no joke.  Wait, is that what Maci won that award for?  I dozed.

Bristol is over the marriage, in full divorce mode, but is being nice enough to only live in the house until she finds a new one.  She doesn’t even want any of the furniture or plates (she claims she bought it all), so she had a little ugly cry (shoutout to Farrah!) when she finally got back from LA and Dakota moved all her stuff into a different bedroom.  You know who seems to be over it all the most?  Kerthy.  Kerthy. Is. Over. It.  God bless Kerthy.  #FreeKerthy

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I really hope this season doesn’t get extended to like 15 episodes like they did with Teen Mom 2 last year.  I find myself saying to the TV, “Oh, I don’t care” around 7 minutes in.  HELP!

Yours Truly,
IBBB + Sarah Palin*


*not Sarah Palin