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Teen Mom OG Season Finale: Seriously What Drugs Was Ryan On?!

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Farrah – Ugh, the “family vacation” continues to be as terrible as we all knew it would be.  David continues on his tour of “Farrah is a nightmare and I refuse to interact with her on camera” even when everyone wants to go kayaking.  What fun.  Debra asks him if he wants to go and he kind of huffs out a ‘no’ and DebzOG tries to cover for him by saying “Oh because of your bad knee?” and he just goes “Yeah, sure.”  We all assume he’s getting a paycheck to be on this show, right?  Anyway, after non-kayaking Farrah gets all upset because David is standing around 50 feet away from them and, at one point, looks like he’s talking to the wall and not to them.  No really, he’s talking to a wall which, let’s be honest, is such a metaphor for trying to talk to Farrah.  Truth be told I’m not sure if I’m using the word “metaphor” correctly, but you know what I mean.

Later things take a super dramatic turn for the worse when the girls and Simon go to get pedicures.  Vomit on every level.  Farrah won’t let it go how quiet David is being and not engaging with her.  Debra tries to side with him but the Big F simply won’t have it.  She keeps saying to Debra “Well this is who you bring into your life so you obviously don’t want a great family.”  Uh, exactly.  And by that I mean, why would she want a great family.  Between Michael and Farrah I’d just run.  I’d jump on Santa Kenny Rogers sleigh and get the F outta Dodge for good and, you know, maybe Skype in a few future episodes just to collect dat check.

P.S., Did I ever tell you I interviewed DebzOG for Facebook Live again and she debuted her “new rap.”  She dressed like Indiana Jones, had a whip, and double bullet belts (no joke).  She was actually really nice.  Exhibit A below:

Another day another dollar with @ddanielsen1 from #teenmom

A post shared by Patrick (ibbb) (@patrickvarone) on

I think we all collectively laughed with Simon when Farrah said that she’s the most easy person to get along with.  Legit Simon laughed out loud and looked around at the camera people like “Are you getting this?!”  Debra then starts her high-pitched cry and says she can’t do anything right anymore and she wishes that she didn’t exist anymore.  Farrah asks her if she’s being dramatic and throwing an adult tantrum and Debra cries back and says she just wants to die.  Yikes.  Things got real.  Mind you, the whole time Baby Goop is sitting next to her and completely zones out and tries to go to her happy place.  How sad.  Also, what could the other patrons in the place think when they hear and adult Who screaming about death in the pedicure joint?  Moreover, Farrah (per usual) is the worst for continuing to tell Debra she needs to stop throwing an adult temper tantrum.  Uh, yeah, I’m sure that’s the response she was looking for.

Later everyone goes for ice cream because, you know, that’s the next natural step after shouting that you want to off yourself to you daughter.  DebzOG and David sit on one side of the ice cream place and Farrah sits on the other pretending nothing ever happened.  Poor Debra.  She’s literally pissed off at everyone, but is still committing to that safari hat.  Good for her.  Stand your fashion ground!  David gets a bit creepy by getting in Debra’s face and saying he loves her and he chooses her.  I was like, “gross.”  I bet he does the same thing to Mrs. Claus.  Alas, David tries to bring everyone together by claiming that when he’s on vacation he likes to “cook locals” (his words, not mine) and would like to make dinner for everyone.  In fact, he’s going to cook soft shell crab or some-such and Farrah says “crab sounds like fun.”  Must be speaking from experience.

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This dinner is as awkward as we would have expected.  And for those of you keeping track at home, David seems to still hate everyone even though he’s cooking for them.  I’m thinking he’s in the process of poisoning them.  Let’s wait and see.  I guess you can’t really blame him.  DebzOG wants him to come to the dinner-table-o-horror, but David wants to just stand in the kitchen and simmer his juices.  For real, it’s a thing.  Once he finally sits down Farrah decides to play the role of producer along with Simon and find out what the deal is with David.  A question of respect arises and, well, then all bets are off.  It’s kind of interesting (and by that I mean waaaaay interesting) because David stays so calm, but still sasses Farrah right back and Farrah goes crazy.  He keeps asking Farrah if she shows Debra respect and Farrah claims she does.  I think I saw a little eye-roll in there somewhere.  I would have been like, “You always show respect for those who chase you around the house with butcher knives, duh!”    Farrah then starts yelling some nonsense and using words in any random order about family therapy and the like.  David just goes, “You don’t need family therapy…YOU need therapy.”  Ruh-roh.  I hope someone is busy oiling up the court-appointed-trash-claw because there’s no way this isn’t all ending with assault charges.  Oh also, Simon is our unsung hero in so many ways.

Farrah seems to take real issue with all of this therapy talk and says that in her whole life her parents have NEVER said she needed therapy.  Um, that’s the issue. And David Claus is all “Yeah, but I’m saying it because I’m a doctor” and Farrah tells him he’s a sucky doctor, to which David gives her the finger and then she gives it back and starts swearing sayings like she’s in the Wild Wild West and then (for real) says something about she hopes it’s rammed up his bum tonight.  Hahaha.  For real I had no clue what she was talking about.  But, I mean, does anyone ever?  In the end Debra says she is just going to go out and die and so Farrah can have everything of hers when she’s gone and Farrah says she doesn’t need any of it.  Is this like an estate sale?  Is that how that works?  Debz storms off into her room and slams the door and David goes into the kitchen probably to simmer his juices again.  Yuck.

Maci –   Um, hi?  I don’t think I’ve ever recapped Maci before.  I’m not sure how to even type in this section after her name.  Luckily I have a tiny monkey that types for me.  I just tell him what to say. But for real though, whaaaaat in the holy hell was going on with Ryan this episode?!  I’m not joking, I didn’t really understand any of it, but one thing was for certain…I was into all of it!  It was like a mix of Teen Mom, Intervention, and COPS all at the same time.  And you know how I love a crossover show!

For some reason Mackenzie and Ryan have decided to QUICKLY get married, like, today.  She’s telling the producer and even the producer doesn’t understand the reasoning.  Apparently they’re claiming it has to do with Ryan trying to get legal rights to Bint-Lee and so the court wants to see them married first.  I mean.  Does any of that make sense?  Mackenzie gets off the phone with some priest who’s ready to marry them at 6:00 that night and she’s trying to fill in Ryan, but he really wants to get a haircut first.  Oh, and he’s legit falling sleep as she’s talking to him.  Oh, and it’s also only in the middle of the day. Oh, and he asks her if she can just call him on the phone and tell him all of this.  She wants him to take a shower now, but he’s freaked out that he’ll have the hair all over him after his haircut.  No for real, he’s freaked out.  Like he jumped in the driveway and ran into the truck. Not sure if it’s the best idea for him to be driving, but who am I to judge.  Good luck to people on the road!

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Again, this is all so crazy.  Mackenzie swings by the bridal shop and rents a wedding dress to get married in, in about 30 minutes and she doesn’t want it to look anything like her real wedding dress for their November wedding.  Oh and MTV flashed something across the screen that warned us that what we’re about to see may be disturbing.  Um.  Ok?  I’m scared and excited all at the same time.  Truth be told, it was pretty disturbing.  Ryan is driving them to their “wedding” and he’s clearly on something and he’s swerving in the car AND he keeps falling asleep, like, a lot. A LOT.  His eyes may have closed upwards of 10 times and Mackenzie just keeps hitting his arm to wake him up.  For real I thought they were going to crash.  Why didn’t she just make them pull over and she could drive?!  How’s your enabling?!  Ryan tries to slur that the sun hurts his eyes and he can’t keep them open, but he’s clearly falling asleep. At one point when he “wakes up” (and you can see the scared look on his face when he realizes that he’s now awake and driving) he tells her he’s just joking around then then spews out some nonsense about how he was thinking of a fun idea for their bachelor and bachelorette party, but he can’t think about it again.  And then he starts to fall asleep again. This scene seemed to take forever and I couldn’t believe they didn’t crash their car or smash into someone else.  Mackenzie finally decides to turn off all the cameras and when they go out all you hear her say is “Did you take another Xanax?”  Ryan claimed he didn’t.  Is that what Xanax does to you?  Everything but beer scares me.

Somehow through the grace of God they made to the “wedding” destination and Ryan parents are there too asking what they’re going to tell Bint-Lee (who isn’t there) and Ryan legit says that they’re not going to tell him unless he finds out.  Uh, sure?  I felt so bad for Ryan’s mother who is honestly unconsolably crying.  It’s literally like she’s at a funeral.  To lighten the mood, the priest is apparently Dee Snider from Twisted Sister so that’s nice that he’s still getting cameo work these days.  As “the ceremony” starts Ryan’s mother is sitting a little ways away with a dog and his dad it standing up almost around the corner.  I legit can’t believe any of this is happening and between this and Amber’s meltdown (we’ll get to that in a few minutes) this may be by favorite Teen Mom episode since Amber kicked Gary’s TV down the stairs circa 2009.

During “the vows” you can almost see through Ryan’s sunglasses that he’s falling asleep.  Even when they kiss each other after they’re pronounced husband and wife he looks like he’s falling asleep on her.  And then he just goes “Ok so you ready?” and they walk off.  Ryan mother’s is literally bawling her eyes out like she can’t believe any of this actually happened.  Honestly, neither can I!  WTF you guys!

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Amber – Things keep going downhill for Amber.  I feel bad.  We left off with rumors that Matt was cheating on Amber with some chick he was texting.  Apparently there are over 50 text messages and Amber can’t figure out if they’re fake text messages or real. The only way to figure out this whole mess is to make Matt take a lie detector test while they’re in LA for the MTV Movie Awards.  So many things were wrong with that sentence.

Amber and Kail from Teen Mom 2 are getting their hair and makeup done for the Movie Awards and chit-chatting about Matt and Kail tries to be nice and tell Amber that she’s sure it’ll all work out (Amber laughs) and that she can’t really see Amber with anyone else.  Uh, that’s promising?  Amber actually takes that as a compliment.  Poor Amber.  After the Movie Awards Amber is talking with the producer about what’s going on and she says that if Matt’s cheating she’s outta there.  Amber then realizes that Matt put almost everything in his name and she’s freaking out.  The house is in both of their names (luckily) but you can see it all click with Amber when she says “Matt did all that.  He put everything in his name.  He did that.”  Even the producer looks like “Oh sh*t!”  I legit feel bad for her.  Always protect yo money!  She’s also freaking out over what she’ll tell Leah if this all falls apart. This sucks all around.

Well it’s really the moment we as a society have been waiting for and by “we as a society” I of course am referring to us degenerates who are ready for Amber to play “Ike and Tina” with Matt.  This time, however, Amber will be playing the role of Ike.  Obviously.  The lie detector results are in and Ambjikistan is covering all her legal bases by making sure that the security guard is in the room with them as the results are read out loud.  Or is it ‘aloud.”  Either way I am way more excited than I should be.  This is like Maury Povich on a whole other level.  We’re really blessed to be alive right now, you guys.

Matt looks kind of nervous like the jig is up and he’s going to have to move back to Boston and spark up a Twitter romance with someone else on a reality show.  Amber looks like she’s ready to P&P all at the same time.  Oh, and I’m trying out P&P which, of course, means “Punch and Puke.”  To me, the results are coming in slow motion.  It was basically like, “We the jury find the the defendant Orenthal J Simpson….”  I’m so nervous!  Ok, I pulled it together.  On the grounds of Matt having sexual relations with another woman since he and Amb have been bumping to the wind, Matt says he hasn’t and the test agrees.  On the grounds of Matt flirting sexy time with other woman in any way, Matt says he hasn’t and the test agrees.  It was interesting because Amber looks at him and just says, “Yeah, but I want to hear the other stuff.”  Then there’s a question of Matt trying to do sexy time with…someone.  They bleep out their name, so we have no clue.  Matt said he hasn’t and the test says he’s lying.  Amber immediately jumps up and goes to punch him.  This is all thrilling and, to be honest, am pretty sure it makes me a bad person for finding any of this entertaining.  Eh, what can you do.  I mean, how long can you really try to be a good person for?  North Korea is likely to bomb us off the map by years end so, well, live a little!

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The security guard quickly grabs Amber and everyone ushers her out of the room all while she’s calling Matt a b*tch.  She’s then shaking out in the hallway saying she’s about to freak out.  Um, I believe her.  Meanwhile back in the room, Matt is trying to get out of the question he lied about on a technicality.  The guy who ran the test is like, “Yeah I don’t know what you’re talking about.  You lied.”  Matt kind of looks like he’s caught and kind of looks like he doesn’t know where he is.  Back to Amber…she is in the elevator and punches the wall so hard that I was pretty sure she either broke her hand or there would be a whole in the wall.  She’s out on the street and Matt comes out and she’s screaming “You b*tch! I gave you money!  $90,000.  $60,00.  I gave you deals, you b*tch!”  It was very Nene Leakes and I loved it all.  Oh, and then (are you ready for this?!) Amber keeps calling Matt “trash” and AN ACTUAL TRASH TRUCK DRIVE BEHIND HER AND STOPS!!! I feel like that was a gift from baby Jesus Claus just for us!  Matt is laughing at her and that freaks her out more.  He claims the sun is just in his eyes (kind of like Ryan’s defense).  Oh, Matt also laughs when he’s telling the producers that he got that one question wrong, but the direct questions he got right.  He’s saying this like he’s taking the SATs.  He ends it by saying “He won.”  For real.  Yeah, he won a ticket back to Boston.  Good luck to ya, Sully!

In the end, Amber is in the car and crying because she’s so afraid of having to tell Leah and how she’s wasted so many of her years on sh*tty men.  As much as that sucks I feel like she needs to go through this to see it all.  I also can’t believe I have a serious opinion about it.  Good luck to everyone.  Yikes.

Catelynn – Brushed a horse and bought a farm house they never saw the inside of before.

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