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Teen Mom Recap: Sophia Takes “Acting Lessons” Because, Yes, This is All Really Happening

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Farrah –  Austin, Texas can collectively breathe a sigh of relief, because Farrah is getting out of Dodge and setting her sights on Los Angeles, CA!  What a treat for the west coast!  Oh, and she’s bringing Baby Goop with her just in case you were wondering. Remember that time she was going to basically sign over her rights to Debra so she could move to, like, Tampa to go to restaurant school?  Ah simpler times.

This time around Farrah is going to try to get Sophia into some acting classes because Sophia claims she really wants to be an actress.  I mean, she doesn’t want to go to the acting class at all and basically becomes a wet noodle on the ground so Farrah and the bellman have to put her on the luggage cart just to get her out of the hotel…but Sophia really wants to be an actress. Alas she finally gets to the class and Farrah is like “deuces” to Goop and leaves her there with the old man teacher who, I sh*t you not, I’m 97.5% sure he’s drinking a beer.  This should end well.  See you on the pole one day, Goop! Anydiddles, the “teacher” wants Sophia to try her hand at “acting” but Sophia is just half-reading off a the script and the guy looks horrified.  Personally I thought it was total “Barney” quality and, well, had Sophia been born a little earlier she could have possibly been one of those little b*tches who shouted all their lines while a dead-faced giant purple dinosaur gave constant jazz-hands.  Speaking of lines, I’m pretty sure it’s all about hotdogs.  So, let me get this right…the old perv who’s “teaching” Sophia to act may be drinking a beer and is having her read lines about eating hotdogs.  If there weren’t, literally, 15 different pornos with the same exactly storyline, well, I’d find all this offensive.

In other news, Sophia has a boyfriend and Farrah doesn’t.

Later, Farrah wants to swing by the townhouse she owns so she can kick the skanks out of it because she’s ready to move back in.  She greets all the girls by saying, “Hi I never met you before so wanted to stop in.”  Speaking of porn, I’m not sure if all these girls are currently featured in any or if that’s more of a reach-goal, but something’s happening at that house and it may or may not involve state-ordered throat-cultures.  Or whatever the tests are called where they do rapid-strep to make sure your hoo-ha doesn’t have the sexually transmitted sniffles.  It’s all complicated.  Anyway, the girls ask Farrah if they were to up their lease just one more month, could they paint the place.  Um, ok?  Even Farrah is like, “For one month?”  She, of course, answers them in circles and random word selection and then Sophia tells them she wants to move back in.  Farrah, of course, questions her later about, you know, speaking her mind.  Even I was confused at this point.  However, I’m still laughing about sexually transmitted sniffles, so who am I to judge?

The episode wouldn’t be complete without a stop-by from Simon.  Farrah invited him to come to LA and she invited her hypnotherapist (to drive up from San Diego) so that they both can get hypnotized and Simon will finally stop wanting to be with her.  No joke, that’s what Farrah said the point of all this was.  Makes total sense. It also made sense that Simon refused to get out of his bed from him room up the hall in order to go see Sophia and Farrah.  He finally did and Farrah made sure to let him know how immature he was.  So things are going really well.  In the end the hypnotherapist shows up and his hair is gelled to his scalp for days and he hypnotizes them.  They end the session by putting their fists in the air and chanting “I feel great!”  As soon as that was done, Simon took off his mic and said “So now we go our own separate ways” and then walks out of the hotel room like a robot in heat.  He’s cured!

Amber – Sully is literally doing everything he can to get Amber to walk down that damn aisle and sign half of her money over to him.  He’s basically playing the role of Ursula from The Little Mermaid for all of you trying to figure out at home what’s actually happening with him.  He was one wedding brainwashing convo away from saying  “And don’t underestimate the importance of….body language!” What a poor unfortunate soul.  See what I did there?  Anyway, Sully is chatting up all things wedding and Amber is sitting there like she’s about to be wheeled off to the electric chair.  So same/same.

I have to admit, I’m liking Amber more and more this season.  Breaking that 4th wall really has done wonders for her.  She took the time to talk in a deep southern accent and let us know she wanted to read to us all the medication she’s on because (as she says) she’s crazy.  It was pretty funny.  She also says that without those meds she doesn’t get out of bed and doesn’t take a bath. Quite the visual.  Sully’s still into it, regardless and irregardless all at the same time.

He basically kidnaps her and her mom and grandma into going to check out a wedding revenue because, well, time is ticking and he really needs Amber’s voice in exchange for legs.  You know the part.  They loved the wedding venue, but Amber’s nana wasn’t loving the fact that they were getting married on October 13th (Friday the 13th).  I think it’s fitting.  Sully also decides he’s not inviting his mom, but they never really discuss why.  My assumption is that she can object during the ceremony and Flotsam and Jetsam will be left with nothing.

Not much else happens with them on the mainland in this episode, but all the girls (minus Farrah) travel together to NYC to do press for Teen Mom.  Here’s where things got good.  Apparently Cate was freaking the F out and having an anxiety attack while in NYC so Sully was kind enough to give her a Xanax.  However, he’s not supposed to have them since, you know, he’s “clean and sober”now so Amber got pissed at him.  He tries to apologize to her, but didn’t realize she was mic’d so we were all forced to hear him say things to her like “Do you forgive Daddy?”  and “Are you still gonna marry Daddy?” Gross and vomit and death…all mixed into one.

Later, whilst Amber is being turned into Marilyn Monroe before her press interview, Matt tries to apologize to Cate for giving her the Xanax and explains it away that “his friend” gave it to him in case Amber needed it on the plane.  That sounds safe!  Amber remains professional in her interview answering all her “wedding” questions, but then after when she’s talking with Maci and Cate she says she’s not sure what will really happen with the wedding and that she has some decisions to make.  That she does.  That. She. Does.  I feel like there needs to be an episode where they just air all the footage that MTV captured of Matt doing and saying shady things when he didn’t know he was mic’d.  Oh, and if they have that, that should be a special 3-hour special because I’d watch all of it.

Cate – Ugh I don’t even know what to do with this one.  Literally nothing is happening.  I mean, they’re shipping Nova off to school since, you know, she’s 2 years old now so she might as well start the book-learnin’. I have to admit, Nova is pretty cute. She’s the perfect mix of Cate and Tyler…and Butch…and April and, if I don’t mind saying so myself, Brandon and Theresa.  I assume it was just one conception gang bang with all our favorite characters and this is the outcome.  Anyway, good luck at school.

Sadly, Cate won’t be there for Nova’s first day of school because she needs to ship off to war NYC for Teen Mom press, so Tyler plays mom and dad (and possibly even Butch on Halloween this year…fingers crossed!) and brings Nova to school after having her test out her own backpack which is 14 times the size of her and, literally, sinks her to the ground like an anchor.  I mean, what’s in there?  April’s hidden stash of Twisted Teas?  Ugh, I wish.

Nova has a great first day at school and, well folks, that’s kind of it.  Cate plays therapist with the girls while she’s in NYC and is the center of the problem between Amber and Sully so, well, good on her for getting a side storyline.  I really like when the girls come together to film scenes. It breathes some new life into this little show that could.  I vote that they head off to another trip together, but this time not at some dumpy part of the island.  Who’s with me?!

Maci – Had a surprise party for Taylor with 3 people.