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Teen Mom 2 Recap: Jenelle Brings Out the Tears, Brings Out the Funk

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Jenelle – Oh hi, Jenelle.  This week Jenelle gives a fully thought-out presentation to her lawyer on the 5 steps she’s planning on taking to get Jace back.  I’m kidding, she basically tried to figure out ways to use her son to get criminal charges dropped against her so she can get into that glorious surgical tech school she won’t shut up about.  This plan includes having a televised sit-down with Nathan at what I can only assume is an Arby’s.  You know who’s not having it?  David.  And I don’t blame him one bit.  I mean, he’s been basically dating Jenelle for 4 weeks, has been living with her for 3.5 weeks, and has already poked holes in all of his condoms, so it really only makes sense that he has every right to be upset that she’s going to go and meet up with Nathan.

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Deep down you totally know that Jenelle is psyched to see Nathan.  She has a face full of makeup on, is spray-tanned within an inch of her life, and has her lips fully plumped.  And I’m pretty sure David notices that same thing.  You know what I can never seem to figure out about David?  Does he have that Michael Jackson disease or not?  And I’m only half insinuating he could be a Diddles McGee.  The other half is about the white spots.  But I also noticed red marks, which look like slashes on his neck.  I wonder if Jenelle tried to choke him out when he rolled his eyes at the dream of Surgical Tech University?

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Either way, David is all pissed off because he wants to be there with Jenelle when she meets up with Nathan so he can make sure Nathan “doesn’t disrespect his woman.”  Way to go all cave man on us right now.  These two knuckleheads have a little fight and then David basically locks himself in the bathroom.  Jenelle almost knocks the door down and then the argument continues with their mic’s on.  To be honest it was a bit of a yawn.  I miss the old days of fighting where stuff got slammed, tears were free-flowing, and perhaps someone became a mother.  Simpler times.

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Meanwhile, Nathan and his girlfriend are out having dinner so they can discuss the meet-up with Jenelle.  They could have been reading the Declaration of Independence for all I know because I was mesmerized by the editing in this scene. Sometimes as they were talking the table was completely empty and at other times their food was in front of them….then back to empty….then food.  They might as well just film in front of a green screen and let the editors just put them wherever they want.  Personally I would have liked to see this scene take place in the back alley of a Fashion Bug or Dots.  But that’s just me.

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In other news, for reasons that are unclear to me, Barb is having Jace basically plant a small Christmas tree in the backyard and she’s strength-shaming him when he can’t get the little tree out of the bucket.  At one point she just yells, “What are you weak?!?!”  I was waiting for him to be like, “No, I’m 6.”  However he gathered enough anger of having two moms and pulled that mighty sequoia out of the bucket and tossed it into the ground as Barb kissed his cheeks.  I guess it’s the little things that really make her happy.

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In the end, David and Jenelle agree that he should go with her to meet Nathan, but he’ll wait in the car.  At one point I’m pretty sure David said, “I’m about to fill this street with uppercuts.”  Sounds like a plan.  Jenelle makes her way in to see Nathan at the empty restaurant and the both of them pretty much just look down at their phones the entire time.  However, they jump right into things as Nathan is pissed Jenelle didn’t bring Kaiser with her to see him.  She starts asking him if he has a highchair, which I assume is what you need to own to legally become a father and Nathan claims he has everything.  I mean, who cares?!  I was surprised to see Jenelle so calm even when Nathan was about to walk out and even when he claimed that David was in jail for domestic abuse.  Jenelle’s only rebuttal was “He was found not guilty!”  I mean, so was OJ.

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Things took a real odd turn when Nathan said he wanted to bring gifts for Kaiser at Christmas and Jenelle said he could see him for Christmas and then she started crying.  Even Nathan was like, “Are you ok?”  It was almost like they both broke character.  Those tears somehow seamlessly lead into Jenelle cry-talking and saying, “Are you guys gonna drop the charges against me?”  She also talked about her crushed dreams of not getting into….you guessed it….Surgical Tech University!  Drink! She then told Nathan that she’ll allow him to see Kaiser so she really hopes he and his girlfriend “do the right thing.”  How very Goodfella’s of her.  I think Jenelle should just give all her kids back to their original owners and go back to being a paaaahhhhhty girl.

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Leah – We’re back to curls this week, y’all!  Minus the crunch, which is a complete disappointment.  Leah is really busy trying to get her life back on track and she tells her sister (?) that whilst at the park.  She also lets her know that she may still have some feelings for Jeremy because, well, we obviously know she’s trying to get the acceptance of a man in her life based on her original daddy probably never being around.  Why won’t anyone tell her this?!  Oh, and here’s the thing that sucks…I hate seeing when Ali Lupita and the New Power Generation falls.  Honestly, it sucks.  But I never felt more bad than when she was on the swing and fell off backwards and smashed her head on the ground.  It’s legit heart-breaking.  You know who didn’t seem to care, however?  Her sister.  She just ran over to the picnic table to have a slice of pizza and some wings.  Oh, did I forget to mention Leah brought some pizza and a bucket of wings to the public park?  Yeah, that happened.

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Later, Leah learns she has a new court date for trying to get her girls back from Corey the Human Beaver Machine.  I thought she was trying to get full custody, but apparently she’s just trying to lock down Thursday – Monday. Calendars are hard.  She’s not sure if Corey knows about the new court date and she’s afraid to see him especially because they have the appoint with Dr. TSO OPP PYT.  Why don’t they just change his name to Dr. Doom & Gloom MD?  Every time they see him he’s always like, “Yeah she’s going to start tanking around 7 years old.”  He actually surprised us and said she was basically stable.  So that’s good.  He did ask about that god-forsaken wheel chair, which they still don’t have.  I assume it’s on backorder from Taiwan or some place.  I guess when Trump becomes President and makes America great again you’ll be able to get those wheelchairs in half the time.  #HelpUsGod

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Later the social worker came into the appointment…because that’s what happens, I guess?  When she brings up custody, Leah explains the situation, but then says they have a new court date to go over it again, again, again, again, again.  Corey looks like he’s about to start flipping tables and kids at this point.  Luckily we get to know his true lifeless feelings when he and his dad “talk” in the parking lot after the appointment.  Honestly, if I were MTV I’d be like, “You’re not getting any money if you show no emotion when you speak.”  It’s like they’re reading lines.  Eh, I guess that’s better than doing lines.  Am I right, Leah?  I assumed.  Of course, Leah told her side of the story in her car via Facetime with Chasity.  At least I think it was Chasity…the phone was so cracked and shattered it could have been a prop.

Kail – Ugh here we go again.  Javi is still on his way out to go to war or some junk and they spend one hour discussing why Kail isn’t showing any emotion or why it hasn’t sunk in with her yet.  For real, who cares.  All her scenes were a complete downer because Issac was so emo this entire episode.  More importantly, did we know that Issac called Javi “daddy?”  I thought that was reserved strictly for Jo and, you know, Janet.  I mean, good for them but that will pretty much cause problems.  Hopefully Dr. Drew will discuss in those terrible reunions when he wears those terrible t-shirt and blazer combos.

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Javi is all emo too this episode even though Kail keeps saying super loudly (to make it true) that 6-months will fly by and they can talk to each other this time on the phone.  We get it.  You don’t love him anymore.  However, Kail does make a video for him where everyone says goodbye to him like he’s about to head off to war. Oh.  Wait.  Lincoln was pretty cute in his video, you know, not knowing what was going on or able to speak or anything.  Also, just for fun, who does Lincoln look like?  Uh, because there isn’t one ounce of Javi in him so just curious what y’all think.  He kind looks like Kail’s old boyfriend from The Sports Authority a couple of seasons ago. Oh God remember that kid?!  That seems like a lifetime ago.  Wasn’t that when Kail cheated on him with Jo one night?  Those were like the good old days!

Later, they all head off to Javi’s going away party and everyone gets drunk.  Sadly, Suzi wasn’t there.  Kail keeps talking about how she’s not a crier, but I happen to remember 6 other seasons of Teen Mom when that wasn’t the case.  They then awkwardly play the video and Javi is just crying the whole time.  Suddenly when Issac appears in the video Kail loses it and starts bawling her eyes out and her chin off.  Honestly, I feel like deep down she was like “Yessss! Now it looks like I do love him.”  It was kind of sad to see Javi hug his mom goodbye and I realized this entire episode was one giant downer.  And this is why you need Barb in, legit, every single scene.

In the end/the next day Javi said goodbye to his kid(s) and Kail and he cried for days.  As he was hugging Kail he was scream-crying that she was his best friend.  She basically said, “Go to the gym when you’re there.”  And then was pretty much like “deuces” as his car pulled away.  Also, poor Issac.  That kid is a ball of emotions.

Chelsea – wants her flowers to match at her wedding.